As Christmas and his birthday approach, I realize Trio is about to be bombarded with lots of presents which should inspire me to go through toys (and clothes) and get rid of a lot of stuff. Which I will...soon...eventually...maybe...
But it also made me realize part of the annoying parts of being a parent is dealing with gifts from well meaning people. I mean how many parents of daughters out there really like the Bratz dolls? Come on be honest....tell you what, I'll start. I think they're whores. Little bitty whores with big creepy eyes and if I had a daughter there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I would let my daughter have one. Barbie I can deal with only because at least she aspires to be something like a doctor or an astronaut. Bratz? No they're just horrible.
And therein lies a problem if people don't listen to you when you say "Hey don't buy that I don't like that toy for my child" and when they ignore you and get it guess what either you have to compromise your beliefs and let the child have it or be the bad guy. Karma doesn't play which is why I always ask parents when buying gifts "Is there anything you don't want them to have?" because I want it to be paid forward for me.
My thing? I hate Spongebob Squarepants. There I said it. Whether it is because for one month at CCY the kids on the Big Floor watched that video...every...single...day or because I honestly believe it makes kids stupid I hate Spongebob. I don't even let Trio get a glimpse of it and I had to have an awkward moment with my dad the other day (awkward for me anyways to tell him hey don't do this) when I said "We don't let him watch Spongebob" after walking in one day and it being on the TV. Seriously when I saw it on the TV and knew my son was in the vicinity I shuddered. I hate it that much.
So now with Christmas and the birthday rolling around I am going to have to tell people "Nothing Spongebob". See I don't mind returning a gift or exchanging it if it doesn't fit or if he already has it or if it is, say, the product of someone I think makes kids stupid. Anything else I'm fine with. Do I relish the idea of him getting a football and being brought up like most Texans boys that football is a religion and your priorities should be "God, football, everything else?" No...but I will take it over Spongebob any day of the week.
The pitfalls of being a parent is when no one listens to you and then by the time they do you've already snapped at them because they keep on ignoring you when you say something thinking you're not serious. Well for all those out there, friends and family believe me when I say that if you buy him Spongebob it's going back so why waste your money? I mean I listen to others; my sister actually told me no Bratz for my niece and I said "Well I wouldn't anyways sooooo" because yeah no. So please remember that in this gift giving season when someone tells you they don't want their child to have something there is a reason for it.
And be warned that what goes around comes around; buy my kid Spongebob and when it's your turn I will get the most annoying toy I can find with NO switch to turn it off.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
All Over Rambling
I've forgotten how annoying it is to wait to hear from a place where you put in an application. I didn't have to do that with CCY; I came down for a weekend, interviewed, and pretty much had the job when I was on the road back to Houston to finish getting ready to move back to Austin. I mean, my friend Marie told me that I shouldn't worry; I have a degree so I am a good addition. This is true but now businesses won't hire you if they feel you're overqualified for something. I applied to Hastings bookstore, and to be a Sales Executive for Parent Wise: Austin and I'm thinking of applying to Twin Liquors. At this point I am somewhat desperate because we're going to need more money soon and casino season is looking like it is not going to be nearly as good as last year.
I also put on my Facebook that if you need help writing papers I'll help. True I might get twelve year olds who have to write book reports but hey if they want to pay the $15-$30 depending on how hard it is and how much time it takes why not? I helped Marie write her resignation letter the other day so I feel confident it is something I can do especially considering English was my major and even though the emphasis was on creative writing I spent a lot of time having to write papers on non-creative stuff. Plus I do want to be a writer; I am even participating in NaNoWriMo this year for the first time (I attempted last year but with Trio still under a year and the eventful year we had I just didn't have the energy) so maybe that will help too. I do like staying at home with Trio and if I have a job I can do from home where I make decent money I'm all about that. Even when/if we have another one and they're both in school I wouldn't mind staying at home and writing or doing something else.
Here's the thing; you may be thinking I'm one of those "typical" SAHMs who want to do nothing but stay at home all day even when they kids are in high school. Not true although if I can work and I do emphasis WORK from home why not? Why not be there to help with homework or hear if they had a problem in school that day? However if it is not possible I will get a job even if I can't be home when they get off work. Do I want my kids to be latchkey? No I don't however if it is necessary I will teach the ways of being a latchkey which is just logic and only necessary if I don't know my neighbors at all so there's no one else who can help keep an eye on them. That's the joy of living in a close neighborhood; you get help when you need it.
So basically I'm trying to find a job, one of which involves staying at home and will (maybe hopefully) lead into a job writing columns or articles for one of the best known parenting magazine in Austin which would be more awesome than Hastings because of base pay and commission and no tempting employee discount when it comes to buying books although I will take Hastings. I'm writing a book for NaNoWriMo and I'm thinking about if I need to really get a job in four years when Trio is in school.
Morning thoughts are always all over the place.
I also put on my Facebook that if you need help writing papers I'll help. True I might get twelve year olds who have to write book reports but hey if they want to pay the $15-$30 depending on how hard it is and how much time it takes why not? I helped Marie write her resignation letter the other day so I feel confident it is something I can do especially considering English was my major and even though the emphasis was on creative writing I spent a lot of time having to write papers on non-creative stuff. Plus I do want to be a writer; I am even participating in NaNoWriMo this year for the first time (I attempted last year but with Trio still under a year and the eventful year we had I just didn't have the energy) so maybe that will help too. I do like staying at home with Trio and if I have a job I can do from home where I make decent money I'm all about that. Even when/if we have another one and they're both in school I wouldn't mind staying at home and writing or doing something else.
Here's the thing; you may be thinking I'm one of those "typical" SAHMs who want to do nothing but stay at home all day even when they kids are in high school. Not true although if I can work and I do emphasis WORK from home why not? Why not be there to help with homework or hear if they had a problem in school that day? However if it is not possible I will get a job even if I can't be home when they get off work. Do I want my kids to be latchkey? No I don't however if it is necessary I will teach the ways of being a latchkey which is just logic and only necessary if I don't know my neighbors at all so there's no one else who can help keep an eye on them. That's the joy of living in a close neighborhood; you get help when you need it.
So basically I'm trying to find a job, one of which involves staying at home and will (maybe hopefully) lead into a job writing columns or articles for one of the best known parenting magazine in Austin which would be more awesome than Hastings because of base pay and commission and no tempting employee discount when it comes to buying books although I will take Hastings. I'm writing a book for NaNoWriMo and I'm thinking about if I need to really get a job in four years when Trio is in school.
Morning thoughts are always all over the place.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Returning to Work (?)
I turned in an application to Hastings yesterday and I am very excited about it. I did originally want to go to Blizzard but upon reflection it seems that Hastings is more me. I told them I would be available to start work December 1st so hopefully everything will work out for me.
The hardest part of this so far was telling the mother of the little girl I babysit that I had to turn in an application.
I'm not very a confrontational person. Stop laughing, I hear you, I'm serious. When I actually do confront somebody about something then it has been boiling awhile and when it gets too much is when I blow up and really tear someone a new one. So telling the woman this was hard for me. I anticipated yelling, insults, etc but she took it well. I am one of those people that I tend to think the worst will come out of a situation which is probably one of the reasons I hate confrontation so much. But it also that I forgot that this woman, for all her flaws and shortcomings (which everyone has don't get me wrong) understands doing what is best for you and yours and that sometimes you have to make small sacrifices to help out in the long run.
And that's what I'm doing. While part of me understands the huge benefits of working (we can pay off bills quicker, maybe can think about getting a house, etc) I do hate that I'm going back to work not even two years after Trio was born. What's a little more of a bitter pill is that, while part of me wants to stay at home, part of me wants to work. Whether it's because my husband is inadvertently (or on purpose) making me feel like a bum or I just need something really productive to do with part of my time so I don't feel so effing crazy. Plus the whole money thing is really big; I know it seems like I'm obsessed with money but I don't like living just barely making it I like to have my bills paid and then some for emergencies or even just fun like going out on date nights to eat or to the movies.
So keep your fingers crossed for me on this job; hopefully I will get it.
The hardest part of this so far was telling the mother of the little girl I babysit that I had to turn in an application.
I'm not very a confrontational person. Stop laughing, I hear you, I'm serious. When I actually do confront somebody about something then it has been boiling awhile and when it gets too much is when I blow up and really tear someone a new one. So telling the woman this was hard for me. I anticipated yelling, insults, etc but she took it well. I am one of those people that I tend to think the worst will come out of a situation which is probably one of the reasons I hate confrontation so much. But it also that I forgot that this woman, for all her flaws and shortcomings (which everyone has don't get me wrong) understands doing what is best for you and yours and that sometimes you have to make small sacrifices to help out in the long run.
And that's what I'm doing. While part of me understands the huge benefits of working (we can pay off bills quicker, maybe can think about getting a house, etc) I do hate that I'm going back to work not even two years after Trio was born. What's a little more of a bitter pill is that, while part of me wants to stay at home, part of me wants to work. Whether it's because my husband is inadvertently (or on purpose) making me feel like a bum or I just need something really productive to do with part of my time so I don't feel so effing crazy. Plus the whole money thing is really big; I know it seems like I'm obsessed with money but I don't like living just barely making it I like to have my bills paid and then some for emergencies or even just fun like going out on date nights to eat or to the movies.
So keep your fingers crossed for me on this job; hopefully I will get it.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Possible Job Hunting
It's looking like I might have to consider getting a job soon. It's something I've thought about for awhile but it is starting to look like it might be better for everything in my life if I have something else outside of the house to occupy my time. I am feeling a little stifled on some levels.
Part of me feels bad because I flat out don't want to put Trio in daycare. I've been on that side and even though I'm not thinking all daycares I realize the position those teachers are in sometimes and I don't want to put anyone through that. For example when my kid is running a 103 degree fever and my boss won't let me out I don't want my child to be miserable without me and to expose kids to him and his germs. However I know how daycares turnover rates are as in my first year as lead in the toddler room before I left for maternity I went through about five afternoon teachers and that constant stream in and out is just not gonna work for me. So I have to get a night job or a work at home because while I'm sure I need the time out of the house and the stimulation I refuse to budge on putting him in daycare.
Starwood Hotels has a work at home option for reservations people but they need you to be free between 10 am and 12 midnight which is so not gonna happen with a toddler running around. Right now the best option is a night job which I don't mind but it's just figuring out what night job will work for me. Blizzard (the game company) is an option because they have round the clock shifts but the drawback of that is no time with hubby. However that is one that is the forerunner as of right now since it would still give me time with Trio.
But today I got an email with another option via Casino Knights; two actually one for a dining staff a la banquet and that one is part time and regular. The other one which may not work out well unless I can do it mainly on weekends is a rental car driver and cleaner. So I sent off my info on that one and am just waiting to see what happens. Here's hoping though because it is looking like a job will help all around. I'll keep you posted.
Part of me feels bad because I flat out don't want to put Trio in daycare. I've been on that side and even though I'm not thinking all daycares I realize the position those teachers are in sometimes and I don't want to put anyone through that. For example when my kid is running a 103 degree fever and my boss won't let me out I don't want my child to be miserable without me and to expose kids to him and his germs. However I know how daycares turnover rates are as in my first year as lead in the toddler room before I left for maternity I went through about five afternoon teachers and that constant stream in and out is just not gonna work for me. So I have to get a night job or a work at home because while I'm sure I need the time out of the house and the stimulation I refuse to budge on putting him in daycare.
Starwood Hotels has a work at home option for reservations people but they need you to be free between 10 am and 12 midnight which is so not gonna happen with a toddler running around. Right now the best option is a night job which I don't mind but it's just figuring out what night job will work for me. Blizzard (the game company) is an option because they have round the clock shifts but the drawback of that is no time with hubby. However that is one that is the forerunner as of right now since it would still give me time with Trio.
But today I got an email with another option via Casino Knights; two actually one for a dining staff a la banquet and that one is part time and regular. The other one which may not work out well unless I can do it mainly on weekends is a rental car driver and cleaner. So I sent off my info on that one and am just waiting to see what happens. Here's hoping though because it is looking like a job will help all around. I'll keep you posted.
Friday, October 9, 2009
When It Rains, It's a Monsoon
There is that saying, "When it rains, it pours" meaning when you have one trouble a whole heap of it comes your way. Well in my case it doesn't stop at pouring it's like a tropical storm. Case in point this last week:
My car shits on me on Tuesday while I'm picking up the little girl I babysit from her school. Long story short it's overheating and we need to replace the water pump. We waited until today to call around because we so did not have the money to pay for it. As a result of the car not running I can't go out of town to see my brother like I wanted to. However it gets better; from what I can ascertain unless we get a deal from someone it's going to cost almost $300 for the labor alone not to mention the part that needs to be replaced. So on top on all the other bills we have due at this time of the month we have to worry about repairing our car. Happy happy joy joy.
On top of everything else this week, the little girl I babysit has been kind of a pill all week (hopefully it will pass tomorrow) Albert and I had a fight last night about something stupid (more on that in a later blog because it is an even bigger issue) and then this morning you know what happened on Trio's end if you read his blog. It has been a hard day I will give it that. And that's what got me to thinking about me and the person I am.
People have always commented to me on how strong I am; I was able to deal with my mother dying at a young age, being almost a complete outsider during my entire teenage years, and then having my husband go over to Iraq twice the second time being really in the thick of it. (I should note that I know a lot of people are going through this but it's for my whole point so bear with me). But I realized it's because when things happen in my life, whether they're changes big or small it's never really just one thing it's a whole bunch. When my mother passed I had to deal with that, plus moving to Houston to live with my aunt for a year so my dad could learn how to get it together on his own. So in addition to learning how to live without my mother, I was in a new place with new people with an aunt who hadn't dealt with pre-teen girls since her own daughter was one and that had been awhile back. Even when I came back it was hard because I went to two different schools in two years where the kids had been together since kindergarten and I was an outsider and thus had no friends.
That's just one thing. Like I knew this week was gonna be stressful on Tuesday but when you factor in how much has happened since then it makes me wonder if I'm strong because it's my genetics or I'm strong because I've been trained to be that way. And I bet other people are like this; when bad shit happens it's not a little turd here and there it's like a huge dump after eating bad Mexican food. So why the small saying? Shouldn't it be something like "When it rains it's a monsoon" or "When it rains run before it floods!". Problems never like hanging out alone they always bring friends. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way because if I am then maybe I just do attract problems like a bug zapper.
My car shits on me on Tuesday while I'm picking up the little girl I babysit from her school. Long story short it's overheating and we need to replace the water pump. We waited until today to call around because we so did not have the money to pay for it. As a result of the car not running I can't go out of town to see my brother like I wanted to. However it gets better; from what I can ascertain unless we get a deal from someone it's going to cost almost $300 for the labor alone not to mention the part that needs to be replaced. So on top on all the other bills we have due at this time of the month we have to worry about repairing our car. Happy happy joy joy.
On top of everything else this week, the little girl I babysit has been kind of a pill all week (hopefully it will pass tomorrow) Albert and I had a fight last night about something stupid (more on that in a later blog because it is an even bigger issue) and then this morning you know what happened on Trio's end if you read his blog. It has been a hard day I will give it that. And that's what got me to thinking about me and the person I am.
People have always commented to me on how strong I am; I was able to deal with my mother dying at a young age, being almost a complete outsider during my entire teenage years, and then having my husband go over to Iraq twice the second time being really in the thick of it. (I should note that I know a lot of people are going through this but it's for my whole point so bear with me). But I realized it's because when things happen in my life, whether they're changes big or small it's never really just one thing it's a whole bunch. When my mother passed I had to deal with that, plus moving to Houston to live with my aunt for a year so my dad could learn how to get it together on his own. So in addition to learning how to live without my mother, I was in a new place with new people with an aunt who hadn't dealt with pre-teen girls since her own daughter was one and that had been awhile back. Even when I came back it was hard because I went to two different schools in two years where the kids had been together since kindergarten and I was an outsider and thus had no friends.
That's just one thing. Like I knew this week was gonna be stressful on Tuesday but when you factor in how much has happened since then it makes me wonder if I'm strong because it's my genetics or I'm strong because I've been trained to be that way. And I bet other people are like this; when bad shit happens it's not a little turd here and there it's like a huge dump after eating bad Mexican food. So why the small saying? Shouldn't it be something like "When it rains it's a monsoon" or "When it rains run before it floods!". Problems never like hanging out alone they always bring friends. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way because if I am then maybe I just do attract problems like a bug zapper.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Birth Order Drawbacks
It has been a recognized fact that your birth order has some affect on your personality. For example first borns tend to leaders, and a little aggressive while remaining people pleasers. Middle children often feel overlooked and tend to be the complete opposite of their older sibling while babies tend to be be spoiled, financially irresponsible, and somewhat helpless.
Well I am the "baby" and I have to say that while I will own being spoiled and bratty sometimes, I am not a typical "baby" in most ways. However, there is one aspect of being a last born that I can't seem to shake. It feels like no one listens to what I have to say and my opinion is deemed unimportant and treated like it doesn't matter because oh I'm the "baby" and these types of decisions have to be made for me rather than with me. And I must say it gets increasingly frustrating because I'm tired of it. I'm 26 freaking years old you can talk to me about things that are going to affect me if I need an opinion I'll ask for it but otherwise please believe I'm a big girl and can handle it.
And when I give my opinon it's like talking to brick wall because people ignore it and ask me the same damn thing they asked me five months earlier forgetting or ignoring the fact that I've already given my two cents on the topic. I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time because decisions I thought had already been made will come up again later on.
It's getting really annoying to feel like all people hear when I talk is the Charlie Brown trumpet. It's getting to the point where I'm like "Screw it do what the hell ever" because it's not like my opinion means anything; obviously if it did the same damn topics wouldn't be coming up over and over again. It seems like I will never escape the baby aspect of my life where no one listens to me because they think I don't know anything. I really don't know what to do about it but it's getting really old.
Well I am the "baby" and I have to say that while I will own being spoiled and bratty sometimes, I am not a typical "baby" in most ways. However, there is one aspect of being a last born that I can't seem to shake. It feels like no one listens to what I have to say and my opinion is deemed unimportant and treated like it doesn't matter because oh I'm the "baby" and these types of decisions have to be made for me rather than with me. And I must say it gets increasingly frustrating because I'm tired of it. I'm 26 freaking years old you can talk to me about things that are going to affect me if I need an opinion I'll ask for it but otherwise please believe I'm a big girl and can handle it.
And when I give my opinon it's like talking to brick wall because people ignore it and ask me the same damn thing they asked me five months earlier forgetting or ignoring the fact that I've already given my two cents on the topic. I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time because decisions I thought had already been made will come up again later on.
It's getting really annoying to feel like all people hear when I talk is the Charlie Brown trumpet. It's getting to the point where I'm like "Screw it do what the hell ever" because it's not like my opinion means anything; obviously if it did the same damn topics wouldn't be coming up over and over again. It seems like I will never escape the baby aspect of my life where no one listens to me because they think I don't know anything. I really don't know what to do about it but it's getting really old.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Personality DNA
If you could find personality traits on DNA here are a couple that would be on mine:
1) Nosiness--yeah I'm nosey I make no bones about it. If you say something interesting in earshot of me, my ears will perk up and I'll be all up in your business. You have to admire the fact that at least I'm honest about it. I'm nosey as hell I want to know what's going on around me and that is something that won't stop until I'm dead and buried.
2) Sarcasm--I'm not as bad as I was when I was surly teenager but I still have my moments. It's a a trait that my dad, sister, and me all share so it's especially acidic to be around us if we're all feeling sarcastic on the same day. It's every person for themselves when those days come in the Crockett household.
3) Stubbornness--I like things my way. I realize that sounds bratty but I'm okay with it. I'm a lot better than I was ten years ago and I'm sure as hell a lot better than some people my age or older but yeah if I really want something I will dig in my heels and not move until I get it the way I want it. Annoying at times yes but also effective in getting stuff the way I want it and as I said I don't do it that much now only in special circumstances.
4) Procrastination--?
Now I'm not as bad as my family members on some levels. When it comes to housework, or getting other stuff done like bills, car stuff etc I am Johnny-on-the-spot. I can get it down and get it down quickly if nothing else to get it out of the way. I don't like putting a whole lot of stuff of. Perfect example; today Albert had the "brilliant" idea of giving Trio a mini bag of Doritos which he promptly overturned on the couch. I gave him the stink eye but he was like "I'll get it" So I waited. And waited...and eventually I took out the dust buster and picked it up myself after Trio was done "eating" it because I didn't want chip crumbs everywhere. Stuff like that I don't wait for and I hate when I ask someone to do it that they sit around twiddling their thumbs. Albert tells me I'm too impatient which I get but when I ask you to do something I want it done then not two days later; if I wanted it done two days later, well then I would ask you to do it two days later. Cleaning I don't procrastinate on I just hate doing it but I'd rather get it done and over with. If I don't clean it's because (like this last week) I have felt like utter shit and barely have enough energy to dress myself let alone clean a living room that's been struck by Tornado Trio.
Stuff like that I do not procrastinate on I get it from my mother. When I ask you do to something I pretty much want you to jump and do it then and I ask I don't order but it would be nice if you showed me that consideration. On other stuff though I procrastinate a lot...
Like my writing. I have a book written. It's not perfect I think the ending comes too quickly but I like where it ends so I have to think of a way to make the ending not so sudden. I have another idea floating around in my head I'm sure I could be good at. But something is stopping me. Sure I could come up with a laundry list of reasons; I am in the middle of a good book, Trio is too demanding of my time, I have to clean, I'm tired, blah blah blah.
The truth is I am afraid rejection. And I know you're thinking "Duh, everyone is" but no I seriously am. I have no desire to go get my MFA in Creative Writing because I have heard horror stories about how "critiques" are done then and it sends me into a cold sweat and the fear that I would have to be punch drunk every time I was on the chopping block. But I am terrified of it because it just seems another way that I'm not good enough. You may remember from an earlier blog about how I was in middle school. Well part of me can't let that go. Back then and even in high school it felt like I wasn't good enough in any way including looks, talent (which I know is silly since I was a great violist and thespian). But putting a book out there to try to get published is scary shit. What if people don't like it?
And I realize that is so silly because not everyone is going to like your books. Hell I have favorite authors and they have books by them that I don't like simply because it isn't my cup of tea such as Eric Jerome Dickey's Thieves Paradise or Johanna Lindsey's Joining or even the Karma Marx series by Katie MacAlister. But the fear almost paralyzes me when it comes to finding an agent and trying to get out there because I am worried no one will like my work.
But I'm gong to try to stop that crap now. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have worked up the courage to have sent the manuscript off to an agent and find one who will represent me to get the ball rolling on my writing career. I love blogging and writing for Associated Content is fine but I want my words to reach a broader audience. All I have to do is get over this procrastination strand of my DNA and be brave and send it out. All I can do now is hope I don't somehow talk my way out of it again.
1) Nosiness--yeah I'm nosey I make no bones about it. If you say something interesting in earshot of me, my ears will perk up and I'll be all up in your business. You have to admire the fact that at least I'm honest about it. I'm nosey as hell I want to know what's going on around me and that is something that won't stop until I'm dead and buried.
2) Sarcasm--I'm not as bad as I was when I was surly teenager but I still have my moments. It's a a trait that my dad, sister, and me all share so it's especially acidic to be around us if we're all feeling sarcastic on the same day. It's every person for themselves when those days come in the Crockett household.
3) Stubbornness--I like things my way. I realize that sounds bratty but I'm okay with it. I'm a lot better than I was ten years ago and I'm sure as hell a lot better than some people my age or older but yeah if I really want something I will dig in my heels and not move until I get it the way I want it. Annoying at times yes but also effective in getting stuff the way I want it and as I said I don't do it that much now only in special circumstances.
4) Procrastination--?
Now I'm not as bad as my family members on some levels. When it comes to housework, or getting other stuff done like bills, car stuff etc I am Johnny-on-the-spot. I can get it down and get it down quickly if nothing else to get it out of the way. I don't like putting a whole lot of stuff of. Perfect example; today Albert had the "brilliant" idea of giving Trio a mini bag of Doritos which he promptly overturned on the couch. I gave him the stink eye but he was like "I'll get it" So I waited. And waited...and eventually I took out the dust buster and picked it up myself after Trio was done "eating" it because I didn't want chip crumbs everywhere. Stuff like that I don't wait for and I hate when I ask someone to do it that they sit around twiddling their thumbs. Albert tells me I'm too impatient which I get but when I ask you to do something I want it done then not two days later; if I wanted it done two days later, well then I would ask you to do it two days later. Cleaning I don't procrastinate on I just hate doing it but I'd rather get it done and over with. If I don't clean it's because (like this last week) I have felt like utter shit and barely have enough energy to dress myself let alone clean a living room that's been struck by Tornado Trio.
Stuff like that I do not procrastinate on I get it from my mother. When I ask you do to something I pretty much want you to jump and do it then and I ask I don't order but it would be nice if you showed me that consideration. On other stuff though I procrastinate a lot...
Like my writing. I have a book written. It's not perfect I think the ending comes too quickly but I like where it ends so I have to think of a way to make the ending not so sudden. I have another idea floating around in my head I'm sure I could be good at. But something is stopping me. Sure I could come up with a laundry list of reasons; I am in the middle of a good book, Trio is too demanding of my time, I have to clean, I'm tired, blah blah blah.
The truth is I am afraid rejection. And I know you're thinking "Duh, everyone is" but no I seriously am. I have no desire to go get my MFA in Creative Writing because I have heard horror stories about how "critiques" are done then and it sends me into a cold sweat and the fear that I would have to be punch drunk every time I was on the chopping block. But I am terrified of it because it just seems another way that I'm not good enough. You may remember from an earlier blog about how I was in middle school. Well part of me can't let that go. Back then and even in high school it felt like I wasn't good enough in any way including looks, talent (which I know is silly since I was a great violist and thespian). But putting a book out there to try to get published is scary shit. What if people don't like it?
And I realize that is so silly because not everyone is going to like your books. Hell I have favorite authors and they have books by them that I don't like simply because it isn't my cup of tea such as Eric Jerome Dickey's Thieves Paradise or Johanna Lindsey's Joining or even the Karma Marx series by Katie MacAlister. But the fear almost paralyzes me when it comes to finding an agent and trying to get out there because I am worried no one will like my work.
But I'm gong to try to stop that crap now. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have worked up the courage to have sent the manuscript off to an agent and find one who will represent me to get the ball rolling on my writing career. I love blogging and writing for Associated Content is fine but I want my words to reach a broader audience. All I have to do is get over this procrastination strand of my DNA and be brave and send it out. All I can do now is hope I don't somehow talk my way out of it again.
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