PScribe's World

Banned Books

2011-09-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

The week of September 24th-October 1st is National Banned Books week. What this basically is, is a protest against books that others have tried to get banned for various reasons and most hard-core readers like myself usually encourage and try to read as many banned books in that week's time.

I do not like that people try to get books banned and that's putting it mildly. I mean, there's a difference between not letting your child read something and then basically telling other people what they are able or should let their children read and that pisses me off. Don't tell me what I can and can't read and what I should let my child read. That's for me to decide and I will when the time comes.

Case in point I wouldn't let my daughter if I had one read the Pretty Little Liar series or the Gossip Girl series. Point blank, I don't like the subject matter and I don't think they're for the audience that they pretend to cater to plus it's not necessarily something I would want my daughter to think of as cool and try to emulate. To me it's the same thing as the people who don't let their children read Harry Potter or the Twilight series because of what they deem as the occult references in your book. You don't want to read Harry Potter? Fine; but don't sit up here and tell me that my child shouldn't read it if I choose to let them because while I don't think the girl's series I mentioned is appropriate for a teenager doesn't mean I'm going to say "Hey your daughter shouldn't read them either and I'm going to work to make sure no daughter can ever!!" /shrugs It's your daughter do what you will with her.

And the things about banned books and books that are forbidden is that it only makes people want to read it even more. My dad told me in middle school I could no longer read romance novels but I still found a way and snuck them. So I realize without someone having to tell me that if I had a daughter and she wanted to read those books she probably would I just hope she would be as smart about it as I was (or at least as smart as I think I was) and hid it from me well enough to where I do not see them laying around and she better use her own money to buy it (meaning money from the jobs she does). Anyway that's a tangent for another post LOL.

The issue here is and has always been with me the audacity of people. Who are you to tell me what I can't read and what my kids can't read? That's a very personal choice and when people try to ban books, in my opinion they're working towards some type of dystopic society where Big Brother is always watching and monitoring what you do and read. It's so easy to not pick up a book you don't like and not read it. I do it all the time. I dislike the Anita Blake series intensely simply because of the subject matter of the (I think) fourth book. But I just choose not to read it; I choose not to recommend it to my friends; what I don't choose to do is work to get it banned and removed from the shelves because that's not the way I work. Some people love that series personally I just can't stomach it.

So if you don't want to read Harry Potter because don't like the references to magic fine. If you don't want to read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because of the violence in it fine. If you don't want to read Huck Finn because of the repeated use of the "n" word fine. Just don't tell me I can't.

And in honor of Banned Books week, at some point I will be reading a banned book like I have done for the past few years. If you want to join me do so. If not it's alright I won't hold it against you.

Unless you try to make it so no one can ever read those books. Then we'll have issues.

Time, Time, Time

2011-08-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

Oh how I wish I had more of it.

But then again who doesn't. My issue is that even with the (now) later shift that I work and weekends (real weekends mind you Sat/Sun) off I still feel like I don't have enough time to do what I want.

Like write: although that is also more of a computer thing. I like typing so when I write, whether it's blogging, an article for Associated Content (although now I think it's Yahoo something) or a story, I prefer typing to writing longhand. Reason for this is with writing longhand I get tired a lot quicker plus my penmanship is not that great. So somethings get lost in translation and yes I'm a big enough of a person to admit that I have looked at something I have written myself and been like "What the hell is that suppose to be?" But the issue is the last story I was writing (which was going to be a teenager novel driven for girls) I had written about one quarter to one third when my ancient laptop I got my first year of college in 2001 (God bless it) CRAPPED out on me and I lost most of the progress. I'm sure I can salvage most of it but I'm nervous about trying to do it on the laptop. Albert has been after me to get a new one anyways so when we can afford it I am gonna get one and just start saving it on a flash drive so I won't have to worry about too much of it disappearing. Because as much as I want to write and as much as these ideas fight in my head I do not like putting so much effort in it only to have it go to waste.

Family: My new shift is 6pm-3am which gives me more time during the day with my boys. But it also means that at the earliest I'm not getting to sleep until 3:30. Trying to wake up at 9ish is a heck of a lot harder to wake up from then going to sleep at 2:30. But I make do. I mean it will be easier when school starts and we're no longer watching the Girl, so I'm not going to be at my office for 12 FREAKING HOURS!! Because honestly after about 9 my body is like "B*tch you're suppose to be at home why are you still here?" /sigh Albert says I do well enough, but I always feel like it is not enough. I guess that is the plight of the working mom. Maybe I should read that Chicken Soup that KaCee got before the Book Box shut down (which is SUCH SADNESS but is another blog...once I come to full terms with it).

Of course I always make time for reading. To be honest if I had a computer that didn't occasionally go on strike, I would probably write for about 30 minutes when I came home from work or during my breaks at work. But even with that I feel like I'm not doing enough that I want. I figured out some Kindle math the other day and realized that out of the 107 readable books (by that I mean books you can read straight through not including dictionarys, cookbooks, etc) that I have read 44. It's those darn freebies! One click free book is soooo dangerous for any bibliophile. Oh well.

It's probably all just a matter of getting use to the new shift. Once that happens hopefully most if not all these time worries will not be so worrisome. Until next time Fair Reader.

10 Years...

2011-06-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

is a long time. I know it's cliched and everyone says it but it is.

This year makes 10 years since I've graduated high school. And I am nowhere where I thought I would be when I walked across that stage 10 years ago. (Forgive me if this is a repeat but with it being 10 years and my birthday looming this is what is one my mind).

First off I was suppose to be a Music Major and be a world famous, or at least well known in whatever symphony I was in, violist, hopefully New York. My first choice of schools was Vassar and the only reason I think I didn't go there was because I forgot paperwork to send it in on time and then the only way to send it in would have been to make it my ONLY choice (as in a legal contract like thing saying hey I'm not applying to any other school so pleasefortheloveofGodacceptme. And I didn't want to do that. So New York was struck out early.

Then I went to UofH and from there I went from a Music Major to an English Major when my Music Theory professor suggested that I withdraw from my classes because (to be blunt) I was gonna fail. I could have aced everything in that class afterwards and still been screwed. And people I have told this story to thought he was a dick but quite honestly to this day I respect him (and I still remember his name; Dr. Snider) for his honesty. Because quite frankly even if I had stayed in music I would probably hate it. I didn't like music theory. I know it may sound silly but I didn't care and I still don't about the theory behind music and chords and the mathematics. I just like(d) to play. I like the music I like evoking emotion from myself and from people and if I had stayed in Music I would probably hate it right now. So violist struck out.

And I didn't anticipate with a child right now. Now don't get me wrong. I love my boy more than life itself and will not hesitate to cut anyone who dares to threaten him and I mean that. But looking back at the young woman I was I didn't think I would be married and with a 3 year old by the time my 10 year reunion was due. I certainly didn't think I would be married to Albert (even as I may have hoped for it <3).

I didn't think I'd be in the career I was in (and yes it's a career). Hell I'm not even sure if 10 years ago I knew what WoW and Blizzard was. And now here I am at a company that I could cheerfully retire from in 40 some odd years.

On a somber note I didn't think I would have to say goodbye to my Dad within 10 years of graduating high school. Like most people I figured I had all the time in the world with him and that he would see my kids (however many there would be) through most of their life like my Granny did with me.

I guess the thing and the point of this whole blog is that we never really know where life will take us. We can plan and map out all we want but at the end of the day wherever we are suppose to be in our life? We'll get there through little steps and changes and shortcuts through the map. And while it may take awhile to get use to, I believe in a Higher Power and that this (as frustrating and heart wrenching as it is sometimes) is where I need to be right now. And while this is not where I thought I would be as the 17 year old girl on the edge of the real world 10 years ago, I could not imagine my life anywhere else.

Shopping Local

2011-04-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

As the constant readers (few that they may be) who read this blog may or may not know, I live in Pflugerville. In downtown there is a billboard (nearish to Pflugerville HS) that reads shop local and has all the little things in Pflugerville that are owned by Pflugervillians.

I am all about shopping local. One of my favorite places to shop is the Book Box which is a locally owned resale shop. I think I have written a few blogs on this place but it still one of my happy places and Beth the owner knows me and mine by name and face. I love Ncredible Pizza which is also a mom and pop pizza shop in the same shopping center as the Book Box. And with Austin being in such close proximity there are also other many local places to shop so you can continue to support the local economy.

However, there is one local shop that I will never purchase from and (although I might get stoned by other Austinites) I have to get it out..../sigh. Book People.

The first time I walked into the store I did enjoy it. Of course the very first time was years ago in a theatre field trip (don't ask) when all we did was put on a stage production of Where the Wild Things Are for the older GMPs (Golden Myth Players). However I went there for a few signings within the last few years. One was for Christopher Moore when Fool came out and then a Kim Harrison.

I had noticed when I went to see Moore how excessively more expensive the books were there and I'm not talking in relation to the Book Box or even Half Price. They were more then Amazon, Borders, or Barnes and Noble. So while I love bookstores I had to forgo on buying anything that day since I was like "Yeah I can get this much cheaper elsewhere".

But what soured me was when I went with some girlfriends to see Kim Harrison. Most bookstores and authors have the rule that they will sign books other than new releases as long as you buy a book of theirs from wherever they're signing. Totally get and totally on board with it. When I went to see Sherrilyn Kenyon in Dallas a few years back I took three books for my Dad to get signed and bought one for myself as that was her deal.

So my friend who reads Kim Harrison (me and the other girlfriend were just along for the ride) bought the new book there to get signed. Afterwards she goes out to smoke and we linger and look for a few books. My friend has the same reaction I do when she sees the prices there so we decide to just skip out on purchasing anything and head on outside.

My other friend is out there upset and we ask here what happened. Turns out as she was leaving with her book in her hand (she didn't need a bag) an employee asked to see it to make sure it was brought there. She showed it to him and from her telling it he pretty much snatched both out of her hand to inspect it to make sure it was brought there since that is their deal or was for that particular signing. And of course she was upset because he was rude about it and made her feel like she broke the rules or something.

My opinion on this is this: this is why people don't like shopping local. Just because you're an indepenent store doesn't give you license to be a douchebag when people are paying for your wares. I'm like my friend Abbi--I'm all for shopping local and independence if I can only get it there. But when you have a store like this where you can go to virtually any other place (including HEB or Wal-Mart) and get the same book for like 5 dollars less? Then people are going there for the ambiance and just to support a local store. However I will go to a Barnes and Noble, Borders or just order the damn book on my Kindle just to avoid attitude like that and funneling money that way.

It goes back to the whole Maurice's incident. I understand that I am one lone little person. And I understand that not all independent bookstores are like this like the one I frequent here in P'ville. And I also understand days can be bad for some people and others love BookPeople. I'm just not one of those people. Books are high enough as it is without additional two extra dollars for an indepedent bookstore, not to mention where it is located (a good 30 minute drive for me) and it's located in one of the busiest areas of Lamar. When people go to places like this they should be treated like a person that the business is happy to see because they go to places to this simply to avoid being treated like just another walking billfold.

And that's my rant for the day.

Romance Novels

2011-04-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

*this is about my guity pleasures that are romance novels. Be warned; there is a purpose but there will be mention of said books*.

So I have a guilty pleasure. Actually I have a lot. The Spice Girls, musicals, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the last one to the point where I could probably teach a class on it.

But once of my big ones is romance novels. I like romance novels. Not so much with the trashy ones (you know which ones are trashy. Like the dime cent ones, the ones you can buy at the dollar store. Yeah those). But there are a few I do enjoy reading. I started reading when I was in middle school until my Dad put a stop to it for a few years until I was a little more grown up and I didn't read them at all for those few years (cough cough: eyes averted). One of my favorite authors of all time is Johanna Lindsey.

The series I read the most about her is the Malory one but there are a few other "series" and stand alones I like. One is called Surrender My Love (don't judge me!) which I love. Sure there's a somewhat underlying theme of Stockholm Syndrome not as bad as in others but I like it. Awhile back I picked up the first book in the series Fires of Winter and I just recently started to read it as I am on my tangible book kick.

And I had to put it down and return it because I will never read the book. I was reading it going..."Was there this much rape the first time I read the book? Because I don't really remember it being that bad". Now it is true that this could have been a subconscious thing and I did notice it then and that's the reason why I haven't picked up the book in years like at least 15. But it's unnerving how some of the sex scenes are in there. If you can handle them those scenes are about fantasy and enjoying it not being forced like forced forced not even seduced. And now I am bit worried about reading the second one in the series to see if it is the same because in the third one there is no forcing of sexual favors upon the heroine.

But it got me to seriously thinking. Lindsey's first book was Captive Bride which I read...ONCE. Because I didn't like the hero. I did not like the kidnapping, sex slave, forcing to bend to will thing. Not my cup of tea. I like my heros to be like heros not assholes. It's one of the reasons I don't like the Anita Blake series and I cannot seem to enjoy Tristan from the Kin Harrison series. The love interests are jack asses. In the first Anita book Jean-Claude her love interest blackmails her into helping him. Oh yes that inspires me to want to jump in bed with you sure. /rolls eyes

Anyways getting back to my original train of thought (sorry for getting derailed) it seems that romance novels from the 70's to the mid 80's were a time when women couldn't seem to enjoy sex so the romance novels had to add some type of forced scene in order for them to enjoy it. And it's more than a little unnerving because thinking back on (just taking Lindsey as the example I know more about since she's my fave) it's true. I had to tell a few of my friends today that with the exception of the Malorys and her later novels (like 85 on) I may have to pass on earlier books of hers I haven't read because if it is like that than no thank you. And it is interesting to see the change in romance novels from that time period to now where the heroines were taken in more ways then one. I suppose it is just a sad view of what society was like then but it is promising in that now it is now that way and that romance novels and chick lit (because yes they are different) are some of the best selling novels out there and the women in there are strong.

I am not sure where I was going with this. It could have been an exercise in trying to use my brain and write something analytical like I did back in college without getting graded for it and it needing to be perfect grammar wise. I just hope that in 100 years that people do not base women's writing just on the novels written in the 1970's but instead encompass it all and study it as an evolution because that truly what it is.

Dinner With Friends

2011-04-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

So the other day we had the first get together with our friends since Dad passed. And it was fun but it was also weird since Dad wasn't there and normally he was right in the middle of things. His position was always leaning on his forearms on the island chatting away with all of his other "kids" while we made the food around him.

It was a good time although I did get a little more inebriated that I normally like or let myself get as I was drinking and commiserating with a friend about Dad and how everything was going to be weird. He (the friend) lost his father at a younger age but he was saying how the first run of holidays are going to be the hardest since you're so use to him being here and he's not. In fact, my Aunt has already said she's spending Easter with us since it will be the first holiday after Dad and I will have to work so we can't really travel far. I'm more worried about the major ones like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Depending on my schedule (which may or may not change) I will defintely be trying to take those days off if I am able to because they will be the hardest I think since those are the traditional family holidays. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.

As for the gathering part it was fun. The food was good thanks to fajitas courtesy of Albert, guacamole thanks to KaCee and as for me? I made the qeuso and a triple chocolate cake (cooked in the crock pot no less....yum!!) But it was the friends that helped. We haven't had something like this is awhile and we usually see our friends on a more frequent basis. I will say that is one of the hard things about being an adult; is realizing life gets in the way sometimes and you are not always able to see your friends as much as you would like to. That is why you just learn to enjoy the time you do get to spend with them more. Well at least that is what I think.

That's it for now. Have to get ready to face my day I didn't go to work yesterday as I was still feeling the effects and thought it would be better to stay at home (yeah you read that right...still feeling the effects at 5 in the afternoon....I told you it was more than I normally like or do. >_<)

West Side Story

2011-04-02T08:38:00.001-07:00

I love the musical West Side Story. It started in 5th grade, after moving back to Austin from Houston for one year (which we did after my mother passed but that is another blog story) when I went to Wooten and I was involved with Music Memory. Not sure if anyone remembers this because I'm pretty sure they don't do it anymore (which is a damn shame) but it's where the take classical pieces of music and play them for you until you learn to recognize them and then you go to competition to hear them in different forms and try to win as the team who recognized the most. Well the year I partipipated, "Mambo" was one of our pieces and I loved it. Then the music teacher showed us the movie and I was hooked. I love the movie yes I always cry but it's amazing.

Last night I went to see the live musical version here and while it was still amazing it threw me for a loop. Not only are some of the phrases different in the stage play (due to the censorship rules of when the movie was made) but some of the songs are different. For instance, "Cool" and "Gee Officer Krupke" are switched in the play and "I Feel Pretty" starts the second act after the Rumble where Riff and Bernardo die. I was sitting there going....ummm WTH?

I did know somewhere that "Cool" was earlier in the stage play but I really thought "Gee Officer Krupke" was still in the first act before the deaths. Because it seems out of place considering what happened at the Rumble. Now I am factoring in that I was raised on the movie whereas most people are probably the opposite but it's a little unsettling to have two lighthearted numbers after two people die. I looked it up and I get the mentatlity to try to lighten up the mood because aren't suppose to die in Broadway plays. But it was a huge adjustment especially considering the other musicals I've seen that were made into movies (Rent, Mamma Mia!) didn't have that drastic of a change.

However I still loved it. I still love the story, still love the music and the dance scenes (especially "Mambo"). It's just a note to myself that when I go see the play that I will need to put myself in a state of mind that it is going to be much different from the movie version I grew up on.

My Stubborness

2011-03-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

One of the last post in Trio's blog was about how stubborn he is and how while embodied in a tiny 3 three year old body is a pain in the ass occasionally over all it's a good quality to have. Especially if you look at it when it comes to expectations of people and how you should be treated. While yes sometimes it can be extreme (ie the girls who are like "OMG if you do not get me a canary diamond for my engagement ring it's completely off") most of the times it's a good thing.

There's a shop here in Pflugerville that I love the clothes in. It's amazing it's resonably priced, and hey they have big girl sizes; it's awesome. So when I first started going there I got the credit card for the place because hey it was nice a way to build credit and not have to touch the checking account. Today I closed it. Why? Because the last purchase I made there was an emergency pair of boots because it was so fracking cold here that open toes weren't gonna work like they sometimes do in the winter months. I paid that off last month and today I get a late fee and finance charge because they say it was due on Feb 12th and they didn't receive payment until the 18th.

This drove me crazy. I realize with burying my dad February was a crazy ass month for me so I may not be what you call reliable when it comes to remembering things around then, but something didn't sit right. So after canceling the card (because quite honestly what they charged me IMO is a ludacrious price for a card that doesn't have a Visa logo and can't be used anywhere else and because the "late fee and finance charge" were damn near what I owed in the first place). Then I went over my emails because I have paperless and see that I didn't receive the statement with what was owed until February 18th.

So I call back and ask when I made the purchase and they said the 18th of January and that the statement was sent on February 19th. So I'm like "Wait a minute you didn't send me a statement with what was due until 7 days after correct?"

"Blargh blargh blargh---you signed up for paperless statements in--"

"I know when I signed up for paperless you didn't answer my question. What you're telling me is that this was when the purchase and this was when the statement was sent. So I'm expected to call and check to see on a weekly basis when my statement's due?"

"No you can log in---blargh blargh blargh" (which let's face it is just a way of saying you're suppose to do the Internet equivalent of that.

Now forgive my squirrely ignorance but the two other credit cards I have? They send the statement on a monthly basis WELL before the due date so it's not late. So quite honestly maybe it makes me spoiled and even a bit lazy but that's what I expect. In the hustle and bustle of the world I like that. It helps me stay on top on things and quite honestly it's one of the reason I'm paperless to begin with.

I work in Customer Service so I try to be polite no matter what. The first girl was nice-ish to me even as she could I was losing my cool. Did the whole spiel about "How can we keep you?" Etc. Second old biddy? Not so much and it sucks because it was like I was no longer a customer so why should she care? And in the essence of not going off on her and reaping so horrific CS Karma I said "There's nothing else" and hung up.

I know that the credit card company is different from the store but this seems shady to me so it's gonna be a cold day in hell before I buy anything in there. I'll go in and I'll pay that little piddly ass severance fee and I'll be done. Simply because the way I look at things is this; I'm not so naive enough to believe that me as one little bitty buyer has an impact on stuff when I choose not to shop somewhere. But it's still my money and while I'm not interested in boycotting I feel better knowing that my money's not going there. And that's a me thing. There's a little convenience store here in Pflugerville that I will no longer go to not even for gas because the few times I walked in there the guy was rude to me. I'm like "Screw you buddy there's a mom and pop not even a block away and they're polite to me". I do not think that as a customer you have to kiss my ass at all. But I do expect politeness and I do expect courtesy because I give it in my job. I expect them to realize that I choose to come here I choose to shop I choose to put my money here and that it's because of that regardless of my age, creed, sexual orientation I deserve respect. Treat me how you would want to be treated if you were the consumer and I was the business.

Coming around to how this ties into my stubborness (I didn't forget) my money is one thing I'm very serious about. If I spending money somewhere I expect to be treated a certain way. I'm not one of those people who clearly their throat loudly or shake their empty ice filled glass in a restuaraunt when the waiter ignores them. I just either leave a really lousy tip or not one at all. The last time I did that was at a Chili's around Halloween. We saw our waitress at the beginning and the end she didn't even bring us our food or drinks and I was like "Oh hell no you're not getting anything". (Before you ask no it wasn't that busy and yes I saw her go and check in at her other tables). I get mad but I don't write letters and I don't boycott and I don't throw (big) fits. I just sigh say okay do what I need to do to make it clear and then don't go there anymore. Because when it comes to certain things I expect it to be a certain way and there is nothing that anyone can tell me to make me think or see differently; I dig my heels in and I'm like "You're not changing my mind". So there you have it. The point of this long bloggy rant. Hope it wasn't too laborious to get through. :)

Dad

2011-02-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

My Dad passed away on February 8th at the age of 63. He would have been 64 on the 24th (this past Thursday). I have been wanting to write about my Dad for awhile but haven't heard the time or the appropirate words. I'm not even sure if this will be the words that come now will be perfect but I want to say all the things (and more) that I couldn't say at his funeral.

I am completely and utterly a Daddy's girl. My mother passed away when I was 8 so since then it has always been just my Dad and my sister living at home, save for a brief year long stint in Houston while he adjusted to being a widower to two daughters, one of which (my sister) was pre-teen. That alone has made me respect my Dad beyond the telling of it. He has four sisters and he was a man trying to raise girls-he could have easily have shuffled us off to one of them and let them raise us but he didn't. After that one year, we were never far from our father at all with the exception of when I went to U of H. Not that he was so prideful that he didn't ask them for help he had no earthly idea what to do (such as prom dress shopping) but for the most part he did everything himself.

My Dad was not perfect but then what parent is? Hell, what person is? My Dad went without so that my sister and I could have what we wanted and needed. Looking back and remembering what everything must have been like I wonder how the hell he afforded my viola lessons in high school because those were not cheap. I wonder how my sister and I were able to go on all the class trips we wanted to. I remember him being at every performance of mine, both Orchestra and Theatre and taking me clear across town (or enlistnig KaCee who as the older one of the two had to help out a lot since the hours he worked could be wonky) to audtiion for All-City and All-Regional Orchestra and then having to fight the craziness the year I made it just to sit there and hear me play (not even being able to see me) for the first thirty minutes of the program. I remember him helping me sell lollipops and then covering what I didn't when my Fine Arts Department went to DisneyWorld my sophomore year.

My Dad was also a very open and friendly man. Many friends have come over to the house for get togethers and get taken in as his "kids". They all called him Pops, or Sarge. It was very rare to hear someone call him Billy after the first few times they met him. He was so generous sometimes to a fault and had a big heart and greeted everyone with a big smile and an occasion "Where have you been?"

My Dad was a great man-like many people he made mistakes but he did a lot in his life that not many people can claim they did or would do given the hand that life has dealt them. Everyday is hard to get through without him being here because he's always been around. Even when I was in school I knew he was a phone call or a three hour drive away. And now there is no way to talk to him which will be an adjustment for both my sister and I but we will make it. It helps to know that he's not in pain if he was in the last few weeks since he had been sick (and he wouldn't have let anyone know unless it was horrible because he was also a private man). It helps to know that he's with our mother and our Savior. All these help and remembering them will help gradually make the pain not a sharp stab but a dull ache over time since it will never go away.

Billy R. Crockett
2/24/47-2/8/2011

Kindle Addiction

2011-01-28T13:40:00.000-08:00

So this year for Christmas between everything that has happened the Hubster and I decided to give one big gift and two little ones. My big gift ended up being a Kindle. After much time on the fence about whether or not to get an Ereader I told him that yes I wanted one. Don't get me wrong-I still look paper books. There is something tangible about paper books-the touch smell etc. Plus I've been collecting books for awhile and there are a few that I will never part with no matter how much the Hubster tries-there a collection and I want to keep them.

That being said I do see the convenience of a Kindle-for me it's about only being able to "see" a few books at a time unlike at a bookstore where I can roam. Even online it's tedious after awhile going through pages and pages of books you may or may not like. Also with one click the book is already mine and in my Kindle library. I also like what I've noticed to be a big price difference. Now with regular paperbacks (ie "pocketbooks") the difference in price is about a dollar (or if you're lucky free but more on that later). However with hardbacks it's almost over 50% which is AWESOME for me. There are a bunch of series I read and I like to read them right away but unlike a lot of other bibliophiles I hate hardbacks. They're heavy cumbersome and not easy to read laying down at night. And they are hella expensive at almost 30 dollars. No thank-yes Mr Kindle I will take the 12.99 over that ANY day.
Also there are a lot of free books!! Now granted most of them are Christian fiction so if that's not your thing you may not be as excited. Irregardless they're pretty good reads and hey even if they aren't you paid 0.00 for them so there's no real loss. You can even delete them off your Kindle if it that was atrocious. However it is very easy to get to clicking on the freebies or getting the books from other ereader formats where you don't have to pay (hm..cough cough) so in total I have 35 books on my Kindle right now and I've only had it for over a month so be wary.

And I am ashamed to admit my Kindle already has a war wound. I left it within reach of little hands and so it was removed from my awesome leather light case without the release hooks. So the hooks in the case are all bent to hell and there is a chip in the hook holes on the Kindle. However it hasn't affected the reading capability as of yet and it is cosmetic so Amazon won't cover a replacement and not that I really need one. It's small not a big deal overall and hey it was my fault so live and learn right? Plus I get a new case which we'll see how it works until/unless I can get the hooks arightened in the old one.

Overall I love my Kindle. I feel it was a good investment and I can carry a load of books in one tiny device. However despite what others may think or say I will never give up on paper books.

Sorry hubster. :)

New Years/Anniversaries

2011-01-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

The beginning of a new year is always awesome for me. First off it's a brand new year and I must say that I am happy to see 2011 and have many hopes for the upcoming year. While 2010 was good for me safe for those last few months where it seemed like a snowball effect of bad stuff, I am holding out that 2011 will be good for me and my family all around. It's the beginning of a new year. You can have resolutions (or not) you can start all over with jobs, working out, being more patient with everyone. It's a new dawn and a new day so go ahead and feel good (so good, so good good good good good)

Also my anniversary is January 2nd. So it's another wonderful year of marriage to my hubby. To say our marriage is perfect is laughable because I really do not think any marriage is-I've always felt if a marriage is perfect than someone is not being themselves. Human nature leads us to have conflict with many people whether they be family, spouses, friends, or children. But we've been a lot in these last few months and especially the last few years with Trio's health problems. So I'm very happy to say that we're still going strong. We still love each other, still love going out and spending time alone with each other, and even though we bicker fight and disagree at the end of the day we sleep happily next to each other. I love my husband and I'm h happy to have celebrated my 7th year of marriage with him. We have stayed by each other and supported each other even when Trio's health problems looked dire, when one of us was jobless and we were struggling to make it on one income, and can still laugh. That says a lot and for me between the new year and anniversary, my year always starts off with a bang. :)

Grateful

2010-12-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

That is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel today. Grateful.

I met up with a friend from my Mom's Group of which I have been absent as of late. Between work and having to adjust to Albert not working, the car not working, moving, and just getting off some mandatory OT not to mention working casinos to help, I haven't had a lot of time for hanging out with people lately. Man I haven't even had time to read as much I like to and if you know me you know that means I haven't had much time. I did manage to keep in contact with a few of them and they heard about the time I have had as of late. And they got me a gift basket which I received today.

My heart is so full right now because of everything that they found to give to us out of the generosity of their hears. It's amazing and...words cannot accurately describe how I feel right now. It just makes you realize that for every bad thing that you feel or will happen to you a wonderful fantastic thing will follow. I think it's good to be reminded of this especially right before Christmas. I just wanted to share my story with y'all.

Wow!!!

2010-12-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

Holy Moley!! It's been hella long since I've updated my own Blog. o.0

I'll try to do a quick recap since February. A lot has changed:

First off I am a working woman again!! I have been working full time since March 8th and it is fantastic. I love my job and what I do and hey the hours I work help us avoid the cost of daycare which is always a plus. With the year winding down work has gotten busy lately especially with the holidays (mandatory OT FTW) but it's a good kind of busy. Being busy is helping me especially as of late to try to avoid the wrath I feel when I remember that...

Albert got fired. Yeah his job decided to fire him for some complete utter BS. Which yeah I know everyone says that when they get fired but honestly what pisses me off is that they put two extra things on his sheet (his getting fired sheet if you will) that were complete nonsense. Had only the first thing been on there still would have been annoyed. It was the addition of the other two that hinted to me that this was a petty act started by someone who is petty and cruel. I mean don't get me wrong Albert wasn't happy with his job at all as of late and I know he's glad to be done of it I just wanted it to end on his terms and not theirs and not like that. But whatever I tell myself the same thing when people's stupidity and pettiness directly affects me and it gets me through. God don't like ugly-and while the repurcussions of the acts you choose to do out of spite and malice may not come right away they will. That's why I try not to get mad at little things anymore. I've done some pretty ugly petty things before intentionally and just some messed up things unintentionally and when something is rough for me I try to take it in stride. (note I said "try"...it doesn't always work but then again I'm not perfect).

As a result of Albert losing his job we moved back in with my dad and sister since while I make decent money (in my mind) it's not enough to support me and my boys. So it's looking like we're going to stay at their place awhile and then try to find a bigger place together just to help each other out in the long run. It's one of those things that I really can't comment on if it's good or bad-as long as it is different from the first time. We're all wiser and older and have better expectations so here's hoping.

Pretty much that's my life in a nutshell. Now that we're living with dad and my sister and they have internet I may be updating more often. Thanks for listening.

I'm Employed!!!

2010-02-28T07:03:00.000-08:00

Well I got the job @ Blizzard!! They called me Tuesday of last week to inform me of their intent to extend a job offer to me. I must admit when they called I was flustered because I had been grocery shopping with Trio who was cranky on "Snow Day" and my Target card had been declined for some reason (even though I just paid on it and had mucho credit left over). Also was hearing what the training hours were (8-5 am ay yi yi). But then I talked to my friends who already work there and after they were done laughing at the misfortune of my training hours they were quick to reassure me that it wouldn't stay that way; a couple of days in they give me a sheet with available hours on it and I rank them. She also told me another way to get the hours I want but I'm not telling : ). This job because it is Blizzard has a lot of shush shush to it which I get so I am not going to be able to talk a lot about my job which I get and agree with because if you're paying me what I'm going to be getting paid I'll treat everything like it's a matter of national security no problems. Plus they treat them employees good which is a lot body then I can say for the last big company I worked for which shall remain nameless (but if you're an observant reader I'm sure you know which one it is) so yay for me for getting employed!!

Yesterday I was able to go buy books as a result of a bet I made with Albert a couple of months ago. The terms were being able to buy up to 8 books (which I did) and I am sooo happy. Well a little bummed because some of the books I wanted weren't there so I had to make do buying some other ones that look interesting. I told Albert he didn't want to know how much I spent LOL and he agreed but needless to say I'm good on books for awhile. I need to take some over to Beth's for credit but that will be later once I adjust a little better to my new schedule (training at least) but I have a week before that starts.

Well that's all for now!!

What's Best for My Family

2010-02-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

Wow I just realized how long it has been since I updated my blog as opposed to Trio's. So here we go on a quick recap of what's going on in my life.

I had an interview for the job I applied for but haven't heard from them yet. I'm freaking out a little but not too much because it's a huge company so it can take awhile. And even if that doesn't work out I'm going to put my resume out to be a technical writer. From what my cousin told me it tends to be contract work so I'll be working on a certain project for x amount of months and hopefully I can work from home if not well I'll get my Dad to watch Trio. I'm still not willing to pay a buttload for daycare even if I get paid a large amount especially if I'm only working a couple of hours a day (which is another thing I gathered is what technical writers do). I realize the economy sucks and how fortunate I am that I was able to stay at home with Trio for two years and hey if things work out at the first job hopefully I'll still be able to do that all day and just have Dad take him when I need to go in (I'm trying to get 5-2am to be the latest I work God willing).

The only bad thing about that job is the time it would take away from Albert. But then again maybe it's a blessing in disguise. What I mean is maybe it will make us appreciate our time even more. I believe in marriage and happiness and all that but I also believe that once of the contributing factors to divorce (along with the top ones being money and how to raise the kids) is not enough time apart. I mean if I get the job I'll have two consecutive days off one of which will hopefully be a weekend so that is one day that Albert and I can have all to ourselves. And don't think we haven't discussed it because we have. We can have lunch together a couple of days a week just us and that one day will be just family time for awhile until we get into a routine.

I mean I'm not one of those wives that needs to spend every waking moment with her husband. While I like my time and I have no qualms about letting him know when I'm feeling neglected if we're around each other too much we want to kill each other simply because that's the way we're wired. But if this job happens it will help us be more appreciative of our time together.

Plus bottom line is we need the money. I can't pretend I'm fine living paycheck to paycheck or that we're screwed when emergencies come up. The checks I make from Casino Knights help and lately it's been good but sometimes there are periods of time where I don't get a paycheck from them at all. Like January...I got one paycheck the first week and then nothing I won't get paid until next Friday and granted it will be a kick ass check (four parties one of which was in Odessa!) who knows when that will happen again before Christmas?

I'm woman enough and mature enough to realize that this is best for my family. Neither Albert and I want daycare at all. You've read the blog about that. And if we have this money coming in plus the additional casino because I still plan on doing that as much as I can simply because so far that is the best company I've ever worked for and I have no intention of leaving them or my team leader just because. I can still do casinos every now and then and I intend to especially around Christmas (just not that one party if I get the job LOL).

So wish me luck. Wish me jobs. Wish me the energy to do it because I'm gonna be tired.

New Year's

2010-01-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

So we're a couple of days into 2010 and I have been thinking of a couple of things over the last month. I'm going to try to make 2010 a better year than the last two have been (although quite honestly the reason 2008 sucked so much a** was b/c of Trio's health problems which wasn't anyone's fault just a sucky lottery.) But this last year I haven't been satisfied with anything really except Trio and with a new year ahead of me I've decided to make some promises to myself to try to do this year. What's lucky about me is that my wedding anniversary is the day after New Year's so I get to celebrate a lot of things all at once. So here (in no particular order) are some of my promises:

1) Will try to not be as picky--the one thing I regret about this last year is I went to the mat on a lot of stupid stuff with Albert. I usually pride myself on being one of those where I fight when it is worth it. This year I will try to be less b*tchy w/o being a pushover and without making mountains out of molehills.

2) More patience--this is more so for my son and niece; I don't have a lot of patience for her as of late and I don't know why it is but I do anticipate it to be getting better this year especially if I have a different job than the one I am currently doing and the time I have with her will be fewer. As harsh as that sounds I do somewhat believe that with kids that are not your own you have to have time to miss them to appreciate them more. Hell sometimes you need that with your own immediate family. So I'm hoping it works out because not only could we use the money I would get from the job but I do want more patience with my niece because she is one of my special girls.

3) Be more positive--I think a lot of my stress stems from the fact that I worry a lot and I don't think that's going to change. So while I'll worry I'm going to be positive about it. Makes sense? Well it does in my mind and that's is what is important. I tend to look more towards the dark sides of things so I need to look toward the light!!

So far that is it but I am going to do it!! Especially if I get the job I'll be able to feel like I'm doing more to help and be able to spoil myself a little more and Trio instead of constantly worrying about money. I know people say "more money, more problems" but as long as we don't get too many new bills we should be fine.

Happy New Years!!

Wanting More Joy at Christmas/Road Ahead

2009-12-22T09:02:00.000-08:00

Christmas is just a couple of days away and I'm feeling kinda blase because I'm not excited like I use to be. Maybe it's just because as of right now money is really tight for us so Albert and I had to go easy on gifts for each other (I will admit I like giving gifts but I also like getting them). Maybe it's because we didn't put our tree up as early as I would have liked. Maybe it's just because I have a lot on my mind so I don't have time to get excited.

I remember when I was younger I loved Christmas. I loved the feeling in the air, the music, the decorations, getting things for my family and friends it was just awesome.

But last year that changed. I loved that it was Trio's first Christmas and I loved that he made it because everyone knows it was touch and go there for a minute. I loved getting him gifts and getting everyone else gifts like usual.

But I hated the obligation and pressure I felt from everywhere. I hated that I was made to feel like I had to go everywhere on that day just because. It drove me crazy the pressures that people are under and since it was my first one as a parent it was a huge adjustment for me since everyone wanted to see Trio. And honestly after what happened last year, I see why suicide rates are highest at the holidays. It's just so much it's like your entire body is in a compressor between obligations, family, presents, friends parties....ARGH!!

This year is a little different. We're going to spread Christmas around on a couple of days instead of having to do everything on one day which I think makes things a lot easier. Also I also know next year is going to be different since I am trying to get a nighttime job *more on that later*. So next year money won't be so tight and I'll be able to go all out for the holiday and maybe soon I'll get my love for it back like it was when I was younger.

As for the job; here's the thing. I never really wanted to get one but I knew in the back of my mind it would make things easier. I just wanted Albert to tell me this and if that sounds weird so be it. Sometimes I need to hear that doing things will be better in the long run before I do them because while Trio wouldn't suffer Albert will since I was be working on a late schedule. And I wanted him to know this before I did anything because I didn't want to have to deal with guilt later because my work schedule was so different from his. Plus if it wasn't really going to help in the long run why do it? However he finally said it would make things easier so I'm going forward. I never wanted to be one of those women who stayed at home even though it would have been obvious to Ray Charles that they needed to get a job. I never want my family to suffer because of my selfishness I think that's wrong. So I am trying to get a job somewhere and if I get it I will let you know.

If I don't update before then Merry Christmas!!

Nerdy Glee

2009-12-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

I am a nerd. Not in that traditional sense such as I know Star Wars or Star Trek or any of that but there are some things that send me into bouts of nerd glee!!

Such as borrowing the second season of Big Bang Theory! I love this show! I don't get any of the physics jokes (liberal arts major) but I do love the intelligent humor behind it. I love that there is a show on TV with actual intelligent jokes behind it. I seriously think Albert is going to have to buy these for me or I will bug him until he does with references to the show and jokes from the show. Of course if he buys them for me they will no doubt get worse.

What else sends me into bouts of nerd glee? Glee! The show! I squealed like a schoolgirl when they sang "Defying Gravity" on an episode. (Poor Albert). I just love the show soooo much I'm sorry I missed so much in the middle when I was going out on Wednesdays to get a break but coming on the way is repeats for the holiday season!! Whee!!

I am such a nerd! I embrace my inner nerd. And like nerds obviously I love Albert (he's a huge Star Wars nerd. Don't ask. He is just trust me). I also love the nerd books by Vicki Lewis Thompson which if you haven't read you should really try.

Nothing really deep here. Just enjoying my nerd-ness!!

Respect the Turkey!!

2009-11-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

So I realize this blog may be late but I've noticed something over the last few years and I just have to comment on it. It shouldn't be ranty but hopefully it will be funny so enjoy.

There is a definite lack of respect for the turkey in our country which I find somewhat ironic. Everyone knows about the Pilgrims and Indians and giving thanks for you know not all the Pilgrims dying their first year here when they settled. Every year growing up, I looked forward to seeing my family for Thanksgiving since the last family holiday beforehand is Labor Day if you even get together then you know? But the poor turkey is getting ousted slowly more and more each year. Last year Majic 95.5 started playing Christmas music the day after Halloween!! Thankfully they didn't do that this year. Don't get me wrong I like Christmas carols and the holiday as much as the next girl but please can we wait until Black Friday before we go Christmas crazy? I mean come on it is just silly how quickly people change from Halloween to Christmas, forgetting that little holiday in the middle called Thanksgiving.

All this month I've been saying "Respect the turkey!" and I mean it for many reasons. Thanksgiving is important to our history as America because you know what not every country celebrates it. It's important to also really take the time to think about what you're thankful for. When our country is bursting at the seams with kids (and adults) who have everything they want and they take it for granted you need to be humbled and realize that you are fortunate because not everyone even has warm food to eat every night. It's also because many people complain of Christmas burn-out which you would expect to happen when Christmas is stuck in your face everyday from the middle of October on. Who wouldn't get burned out a little even if it takes years for it to take place? Christmas is a time of joy and giving yet people hate the holidays because of the overkill it gets.

I challenge everyone next year to try respecting the turkey. No Christmas decorations or music until Black Friday and see if you look at Christmas with the shiny bright eyes that children do. It may surprise you the change you feel when you don't overdo it.

Whiny Blog

2009-11-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

*Warning: This is going to be a whiny blog. Sorry if you don't like it but I don't do it very often, it's my blog, and I want to whine. Feel free to stop reading if you feel like it though I don't mind*

For the most part we've been fortunate enough to afford me staying at home but as of the last few months it seems like we will no longer be that fortunate. I mean a whole bunch of stuff has fallen upon us such as this crap with the car which we thought was a water pump but turns out to be a nasty crack in the radiator not to mention a sensor and thermostat needing to be replaced since it overheated already. So that is going to cost us a pretty penny which will go on the credit card and it just seems to be another drop in an overflowing bucket.

I mean we're still pretty far from our limits on the cards so I suppose I should be grateful since a couple of friends are already at their limit and have tons of credit card debt. If you look at it that way then we're pretty damn good because our debt is really not that much. However it still sucks that our money is so tight lately that we can't even go out on a date night somewhere cheap because we can't afford it. And it sucks because it seems like karma is just giving us the big old middle finger which is very frustrating you know because we've helped out people before and we've done good things for family when they needed help and you would think the universe would be nice to us or something and I realize that you don't do good things as a tally I know this but it still doesn't stop the suckiness.

And I know people are thinking "Paige don't you have a degree?" and yes, yes I do but do you know what it's in? Creative Writing; do you know why people become authors? Because they're creative yes and they like to write yes and let's be honest another quality is liking to drink I do have all these qualities but another reason is because they're okay with people but no one would ever call them social butterflies by any means and I'm that way. I have friends I go out it's not like I'm a hermit but sometimes I like being alone and sometimes I am socially awkward in new situations and it sucks but I can't help that. I'm a homebody and I like to be alone sometimes and writing is a good way to do that. So yes Virginia I have a degree but it's in a degree where most of the time I am at home, looking at a computer screen and getting my ideas down on paper. And until I feel proud enough of a manuscript to actually send it out to find an agent I'm boned because I'm stuck in an endless rut it feels like.

Don't get me wrong I like my degree and I am very proud of it but I'm also realistic enough to realize that with the degree I have I can't go into an office an expect to get a damn good paying job. I know that this too shall pass and Casino season is around the corner so I'll get a little bit more money and that I might get an agent and all this will be something to laugh about.

But I can't pretend it doesn't suck a lot and I can't pretend that I'm overjoyed at looking for a job where I'm stuck in an office away from my child and my husband at night. Whine whine whine piss piss piss moan moan moan.

And I'm done. Thanks.

To Daycare or To Not Daycare.

2009-11-16T10:40:00.001-08:00

Okay I have touched this briefly in blogs before but in light of so many people bugging me about I have to get on a soapbox and rant for awhile. If you've read any of my rants before you know what you're in for if not well here we go.

I HATE HATE HATE how everyone seems to think that they should constantly share their opinion when it comes to how to raise a child and whether you should go back to work or not. While I know I may have to get a job I am looking for one that is as much opposite Albert's schedule as humanly possible without actually being a graveyard shift so we don't have to put Trio in daycare. Why you ask? Why not, people say. Your child really should be in daycare, they say.

Lemme tell you something. Telling a SAHM that her child needs to be in daycare for social/developmental/whatever reason you can possibly think of is on par with telling a working mom she should keep her butt at home and take care of her child. See? How's that sound? Not so nice when the shoe is on the other foot is it? It sounds harsh and judgemental doesn't it? Well that street runs both ways and don't you for a second doubt it. It's different strokes for different folks and having worked in daycare I have no earthly desire to put my child into any daycare I don't care how good it is. It's not even necessarily because of the germs or kids getting left behind in a classroom because honestly mistakes like that happen. The main reason is it's too damn expensive. It is too expensive for what you get and you don't get a lot because whenever there is something new and fun coming along like guests to entertain the kids or going on field trips guess what? You have an increase in tuition or have to pay a "special" price just for Spring Break, Winter Vacation, Summer Holiday, blah blah blah. That's more money that you have to pay in addition to the arm and leg that daycare is already costing you.

Plus the turnover is atrocious mainly because they sometimes hire little teenagers who think "Oh daycare" and think it is just playing with cute babies and freak out the first time they have to change a dirty diaper of (gasp) clean up puke!! I am so not a girly girl therefore I don't need nor want a girly girl taking care of my son because he's all boy meaning there will be puke, pee, poop, blood and yes sometimes various combinations of all of the above. You have people who have been there so long they just don't care to tell the teacher you relieves them anything so you go pick your kid up and the teacher honestly can't tell you why there is a bite mark on your child because she wasn't informed of it. Or you have lazy teachers who don't do anything to help or clean so it all falls on one person and as luck would have it that's the teacher who actually wants to make it fun but now they have no time.

I like staying at home with my son. Yes sometimes he drives me up the wall especially with my car being out of commission but you know what? I wouldn't trade it. Why would I at this age? If he was in school it would be one thing but he's not. Why work at a job that I have lukewarm feelings towards at best only to have a large percentage of my check go to daycare? Yes if you're like a lawyer then daycare is not that big of a dent but for us other people it is.

Bottom line is this; some people like be working moms some don't. Some people are content to stay at home and others are bored out of their minds. The thing we choose. The women's movement back in the sixties wasn't necessarily for the right to work although that was a big hunk. It was for the right to choose what we, as women, as mothers, as wives wanted to do. We didn't want the options to disappear once we got married and suddenly we were house women doing nothing but cooking, cleaning, and popping out babies. If we wanted to work we wanted to choose to work. If we were fine staying at home well that's all well too. But no you have Femi-nazis making you feel horrible when you want to stay home giving you diatribe like "You need to work and your child should be in daycare"

Bump. That.

I choose to stay at home. I have many friends who choose to work. Neither option makes us better mothers than the other one because we're still mothers. We still worry about our child when they're coughing a lung up in their sleep, we still cuddle and comfort them when they fall or when they're sick or when they have hurt feelings from a friend. We still love our children more than anything in the world no matter if we punch in a time clock or our child's babbles are our alarm clock. And people need to realize that and stop perpetuating this fight between working moms and moms who stay at home because all it is the end is a decision that you made because you felt it was right for you and your family in the long run. I've given you the reason why I don't like daycare but not everybody has that experience. Some people love the daycare their kids go to and that's great because you have to feel completely comfortable in that situation. However it's not for me.

And I feel I should add if you are one of those constantly trying to get friends to defer to your side whichever it may be you need to stop and think if you're really happy in the position you choose and stop picking on the other side. Because if you're so certain that your choice was the best that you make others feel bad when they don't make the same one then maybe you're not as certain you made the right decision as you want others to believe.

*steps off box*

I'm done.

Pitfalls of Parenting and Gift Giving

2009-11-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

As Christmas and his birthday approach, I realize Trio is about to be bombarded with lots of presents which should inspire me to go through toys (and clothes) and get rid of a lot of stuff. Which I will...soon...eventually...maybe...

But it also made me realize part of the annoying parts of being a parent is dealing with gifts from well meaning people. I mean how many parents of daughters out there really like the Bratz dolls? Come on be honest....tell you what, I'll start. I think they're whores. Little bitty whores with big creepy eyes and if I had a daughter there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I would let my daughter have one. Barbie I can deal with only because at least she aspires to be something like a doctor or an astronaut. Bratz? No they're just horrible.

And therein lies a problem if people don't listen to you when you say "Hey don't buy that I don't like that toy for my child" and when they ignore you and get it guess what either you have to compromise your beliefs and let the child have it or be the bad guy. Karma doesn't play which is why I always ask parents when buying gifts "Is there anything you don't want them to have?" because I want it to be paid forward for me.

My thing? I hate Spongebob Squarepants. There I said it. Whether it is because for one month at CCY the kids on the Big Floor watched that video...every...single...day or because I honestly believe it makes kids stupid I hate Spongebob. I don't even let Trio get a glimpse of it and I had to have an awkward moment with my dad the other day (awkward for me anyways to tell him hey don't do this) when I said "We don't let him watch Spongebob" after walking in one day and it being on the TV. Seriously when I saw it on the TV and knew my son was in the vicinity I shuddered. I hate it that much.

So now with Christmas and the birthday rolling around I am going to have to tell people "Nothing Spongebob". See I don't mind returning a gift or exchanging it if it doesn't fit or if he already has it or if it is, say, the product of someone I think makes kids stupid. Anything else I'm fine with. Do I relish the idea of him getting a football and being brought up like most Texans boys that football is a religion and your priorities should be "God, football, everything else?" No...but I will take it over Spongebob any day of the week.

The pitfalls of being a parent is when no one listens to you and then by the time they do you've already snapped at them because they keep on ignoring you when you say something thinking you're not serious. Well for all those out there, friends and family believe me when I say that if you buy him Spongebob it's going back so why waste your money? I mean I listen to others; my sister actually told me no Bratz for my niece and I said "Well I wouldn't anyways sooooo" because yeah no. So please remember that in this gift giving season when someone tells you they don't want their child to have something there is a reason for it.

And be warned that what goes around comes around; buy my kid Spongebob and when it's your turn I will get the most annoying toy I can find with NO switch to turn it off.

All Over Rambling

2009-11-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

I've forgotten how annoying it is to wait to hear from a place where you put in an application. I didn't have to do that with CCY; I came down for a weekend, interviewed, and pretty much had the job when I was on the road back to Houston to finish getting ready to move back to Austin. I mean, my friend Marie told me that I shouldn't worry; I have a degree so I am a good addition. This is true but now businesses won't hire you if they feel you're overqualified for something. I applied to Hastings bookstore, and to be a Sales Executive for Parent Wise: Austin and I'm thinking of applying to Twin Liquors. At this point I am somewhat desperate because we're going to need more money soon and casino season is looking like it is not going to be nearly as good as last year.

I also put on my Facebook that if you need help writing papers I'll help. True I might get twelve year olds who have to write book reports but hey if they want to pay the $15-$30 depending on how hard it is and how much time it takes why not? I helped Marie write her resignation letter the other day so I feel confident it is something I can do especially considering English was my major and even though the emphasis was on creative writing I spent a lot of time having to write papers on non-creative stuff. Plus I do want to be a writer; I am even participating in NaNoWriMo this year for the first time (I attempted last year but with Trio still under a year and the eventful year we had I just didn't have the energy) so maybe that will help too. I do like staying at home with Trio and if I have a job I can do from home where I make decent money I'm all about that. Even when/if we have another one and they're both in school I wouldn't mind staying at home and writing or doing something else.

Here's the thing; you may be thinking I'm one of those "typical" SAHMs who want to do nothing but stay at home all day even when they kids are in high school. Not true although if I can work and I do emphasis WORK from home why not? Why not be there to help with homework or hear if they had a problem in school that day? However if it is not possible I will get a job even if I can't be home when they get off work. Do I want my kids to be latchkey? No I don't however if it is necessary I will teach the ways of being a latchkey which is just logic and only necessary if I don't know my neighbors at all so there's no one else who can help keep an eye on them. That's the joy of living in a close neighborhood; you get help when you need it.

So basically I'm trying to find a job, one of which involves staying at home and will (maybe hopefully) lead into a job writing columns or articles for one of the best known parenting magazine in Austin which would be more awesome than Hastings because of base pay and commission and no tempting employee discount when it comes to buying books although I will take Hastings. I'm writing a book for NaNoWriMo and I'm thinking about if I need to really get a job in four years when Trio is in school.

Morning thoughts are always all over the place.

Returning to Work (?)

2009-10-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

I turned in an application to Hastings yesterday and I am very excited about it. I did originally want to go to Blizzard but upon reflection it seems that Hastings is more me. I told them I would be available to start work December 1st so hopefully everything will work out for me.

The hardest part of this so far was telling the mother of the little girl I babysit that I had to turn in an application.

I'm not very a confrontational person. Stop laughing, I hear you, I'm serious. When I actually do confront somebody about something then it has been boiling awhile and when it gets too much is when I blow up and really tear someone a new one. So telling the woman this was hard for me. I anticipated yelling, insults, etc but she took it well. I am one of those people that I tend to think the worst will come out of a situation which is probably one of the reasons I hate confrontation so much. But it also that I forgot that this woman, for all her flaws and shortcomings (which everyone has don't get me wrong) understands doing what is best for you and yours and that sometimes you have to make small sacrifices to help out in the long run.

And that's what I'm doing. While part of me understands the huge benefits of working (we can pay off bills quicker, maybe can think about getting a house, etc) I do hate that I'm going back to work not even two years after Trio was born. What's a little more of a bitter pill is that, while part of me wants to stay at home, part of me wants to work. Whether it's because my husband is inadvertently (or on purpose) making me feel like a bum or I just need something really productive to do with part of my time so I don't feel so effing crazy. Plus the whole money thing is really big; I know it seems like I'm obsessed with money but I don't like living just barely making it I like to have my bills paid and then some for emergencies or even just fun like going out on date nights to eat or to the movies.

So keep your fingers crossed for me on this job; hopefully I will get it.

Possible Job Hunting

2009-10-15T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's looking like I might have to consider getting a job soon. It's something I've thought about for awhile but it is starting to look like it might be better for everything in my life if I have something else outside of the house to occupy my time. I am feeling a little stifled on some levels.

Part of me feels bad because I flat out don't want to put Trio in daycare. I've been on that side and even though I'm not thinking all daycares I realize the position those teachers are in sometimes and I don't want to put anyone through that. For example when my kid is running a 103 degree fever and my boss won't let me out I don't want my child to be miserable without me and to expose kids to him and his germs. However I know how daycares turnover rates are as in my first year as lead in the toddler room before I left for maternity I went through about five afternoon teachers and that constant stream in and out is just not gonna work for me. So I have to get a night job or a work at home because while I'm sure I need the time out of the house and the stimulation I refuse to budge on putting him in daycare.

Starwood Hotels has a work at home option for reservations people but they need you to be free between 10 am and 12 midnight which is so not gonna happen with a toddler running around. Right now the best option is a night job which I don't mind but it's just figuring out what night job will work for me. Blizzard (the game company) is an option because they have round the clock shifts but the drawback of that is no time with hubby. However that is one that is the forerunner as of right now since it would still give me time with Trio.

But today I got an email with another option via Casino Knights; two actually one for a dining staff a la banquet and that one is part time and regular. The other one which may not work out well unless I can do it mainly on weekends is a rental car driver and cleaner. So I sent off my info on that one and am just waiting to see what happens. Here's hoping though because it is looking like a job will help all around. I'll keep you posted.

When It Rains, It's a Monsoon

2009-10-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

There is that saying, "When it rains, it pours" meaning when you have one trouble a whole heap of it comes your way. Well in my case it doesn't stop at pouring it's like a tropical storm. Case in point this last week:

My car shits on me on Tuesday while I'm picking up the little girl I babysit from her school. Long story short it's overheating and we need to replace the water pump. We waited until today to call around because we so did not have the money to pay for it. As a result of the car not running I can't go out of town to see my brother like I wanted to. However it gets better; from what I can ascertain unless we get a deal from someone it's going to cost almost $300 for the labor alone not to mention the part that needs to be replaced. So on top on all the other bills we have due at this time of the month we have to worry about repairing our car. Happy happy joy joy.

On top of everything else this week, the little girl I babysit has been kind of a pill all week (hopefully it will pass tomorrow) Albert and I had a fight last night about something stupid (more on that in a later blog because it is an even bigger issue) and then this morning you know what happened on Trio's end if you read his blog. It has been a hard day I will give it that. And that's what got me to thinking about me and the person I am.

People have always commented to me on how strong I am; I was able to deal with my mother dying at a young age, being almost a complete outsider during my entire teenage years, and then having my husband go over to Iraq twice the second time being really in the thick of it. (I should note that I know a lot of people are going through this but it's for my whole point so bear with me). But I realized it's because when things happen in my life, whether they're changes big or small it's never really just one thing it's a whole bunch. When my mother passed I had to deal with that, plus moving to Houston to live with my aunt for a year so my dad could learn how to get it together on his own. So in addition to learning how to live without my mother, I was in a new place with new people with an aunt who hadn't dealt with pre-teen girls since her own daughter was one and that had been awhile back. Even when I came back it was hard because I went to two different schools in two years where the kids had been together since kindergarten and I was an outsider and thus had no friends.

That's just one thing. Like I knew this week was gonna be stressful on Tuesday but when you factor in how much has happened since then it makes me wonder if I'm strong because it's my genetics or I'm strong because I've been trained to be that way. And I bet other people are like this; when bad shit happens it's not a little turd here and there it's like a huge dump after eating bad Mexican food. So why the small saying? Shouldn't it be something like "When it rains it's a monsoon" or "When it rains run before it floods!". Problems never like hanging out alone they always bring friends. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way because if I am then maybe I just do attract problems like a bug zapper.

Birth Order Drawbacks

2009-10-02T13:37:00.001-07:00

It has been a recognized fact that your birth order has some affect on your personality. For example first borns tend to leaders, and a little aggressive while remaining people pleasers. Middle children often feel overlooked and tend to be the complete opposite of their older sibling while babies tend to be be spoiled, financially irresponsible, and somewhat helpless.

Well I am the "baby" and I have to say that while I will own being spoiled and bratty sometimes, I am not a typical "baby" in most ways. However, there is one aspect of being a last born that I can't seem to shake. It feels like no one listens to what I have to say and my opinion is deemed unimportant and treated like it doesn't matter because oh I'm the "baby" and these types of decisions have to be made for me rather than with me. And I must say it gets increasingly frustrating because I'm tired of it. I'm 26 freaking years old you can talk to me about things that are going to affect me if I need an opinion I'll ask for it but otherwise please believe I'm a big girl and can handle it.
And when I give my opinon it's like talking to brick wall because people ignore it and ask me the same damn thing they asked me five months earlier forgetting or ignoring the fact that I've already given my two cents on the topic. I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time because decisions I thought had already been made will come up again later on.

It's getting really annoying to feel like all people hear when I talk is the Charlie Brown trumpet. It's getting to the point where I'm like "Screw it do what the hell ever" because it's not like my opinion means anything; obviously if it did the same damn topics wouldn't be coming up over and over again. It seems like I will never escape the baby aspect of my life where no one listens to me because they think I don't know anything. I really don't know what to do about it but it's getting really old.

Personality DNA

2009-09-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

If you could find personality traits on DNA here are a couple that would be on mine:
1) Nosiness--yeah I'm nosey I make no bones about it. If you say something interesting in earshot of me, my ears will perk up and I'll be all up in your business. You have to admire the fact that at least I'm honest about it. I'm nosey as hell I want to know what's going on around me and that is something that won't stop until I'm dead and buried.
2) Sarcasm--I'm not as bad as I was when I was surly teenager but I still have my moments. It's a a trait that my dad, sister, and me all share so it's especially acidic to be around us if we're all feeling sarcastic on the same day. It's every person for themselves when those days come in the Crockett household.
3) Stubbornness--I like things my way. I realize that sounds bratty but I'm okay with it. I'm a lot better than I was ten years ago and I'm sure as hell a lot better than some people my age or older but yeah if I really want something I will dig in my heels and not move until I get it the way I want it. Annoying at times yes but also effective in getting stuff the way I want it and as I said I don't do it that much now only in special circumstances.
4) Procrastination--?

Now I'm not as bad as my family members on some levels. When it comes to housework, or getting other stuff done like bills, car stuff etc I am Johnny-on-the-spot. I can get it down and get it down quickly if nothing else to get it out of the way. I don't like putting a whole lot of stuff of. Perfect example; today Albert had the "brilliant" idea of giving Trio a mini bag of Doritos which he promptly overturned on the couch. I gave him the stink eye but he was like "I'll get it" So I waited. And waited...and eventually I took out the dust buster and picked it up myself after Trio was done "eating" it because I didn't want chip crumbs everywhere. Stuff like that I don't wait for and I hate when I ask someone to do it that they sit around twiddling their thumbs. Albert tells me I'm too impatient which I get but when I ask you to do something I want it done then not two days later; if I wanted it done two days later, well then I would ask you to do it two days later. Cleaning I don't procrastinate on I just hate doing it but I'd rather get it done and over with. If I don't clean it's because (like this last week) I have felt like utter shit and barely have enough energy to dress myself let alone clean a living room that's been struck by Tornado Trio.

Stuff like that I do not procrastinate on I get it from my mother. When I ask you do to something I pretty much want you to jump and do it then and I ask I don't order but it would be nice if you showed me that consideration. On other stuff though I procrastinate a lot...

Like my writing. I have a book written. It's not perfect I think the ending comes too quickly but I like where it ends so I have to think of a way to make the ending not so sudden. I have another idea floating around in my head I'm sure I could be good at. But something is stopping me. Sure I could come up with a laundry list of reasons; I am in the middle of a good book, Trio is too demanding of my time, I have to clean, I'm tired, blah blah blah.

The truth is I am afraid rejection. And I know you're thinking "Duh, everyone is" but no I seriously am. I have no desire to go get my MFA in Creative Writing because I have heard horror stories about how "critiques" are done then and it sends me into a cold sweat and the fear that I would have to be punch drunk every time I was on the chopping block. But I am terrified of it because it just seems another way that I'm not good enough. You may remember from an earlier blog about how I was in middle school. Well part of me can't let that go. Back then and even in high school it felt like I wasn't good enough in any way including looks, talent (which I know is silly since I was a great violist and thespian). But putting a book out there to try to get published is scary shit. What if people don't like it?

And I realize that is so silly because not everyone is going to like your books. Hell I have favorite authors and they have books by them that I don't like simply because it isn't my cup of tea such as Eric Jerome Dickey's Thieves Paradise or Johanna Lindsey's Joining or even the Karma Marx series by Katie MacAlister. But the fear almost paralyzes me when it comes to finding an agent and trying to get out there because I am worried no one will like my work.

But I'm gong to try to stop that crap now. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have worked up the courage to have sent the manuscript off to an agent and find one who will represent me to get the ball rolling on my writing career. I love blogging and writing for Associated Content is fine but I want my words to reach a broader audience. All I have to do is get over this procrastination strand of my DNA and be brave and send it out. All I can do now is hope I don't somehow talk my way out of it again.

Recycling Reads

2009-09-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am a book lover as you may or may not know, so much so that I am considering starting yet another blog devoted to books and reviewing them. I have tons of books in my house that I've read, numerous ones on my TBR ("To Be Read") pile and whenever I go to the library I always get a least one book to read. I've always been this way probably as a byproduct of my parents (you should really see my dad and sister's collection of books. If you think mine is big....) because they raised us with a love of reading and books that I hopefully will pass onto my son although if what he does now is any indication I won't have to worry about it.

Knowing this about me however you may not know how hard it is for me to let go of books; and I many any books I have books I read when I was in elementary school still floating around. And my husband, bless his soul, doesn't say anything (much) even when we move and the books are a majority of our boxes (not to mention the heaviest ones). I kept these books because I like reading and remembering how carefree I was when I read them. Not that I have much to worry about now what with Trio's health problems seeming a thing of the past and bills will always be a necessary evil (obviously they didn't have these things back yonder otherwise old Ben Franklin's quote would have been nothing is sure in life except death, taxes and BILLS!!) but I still liked to think of the simpler times that I have.

However now in my new role in life as a mother and a wife and an aspiring writer (I still aspire dammit I just have a really bad fear of rejection) I realize that my tastes have changed and I can't really the simplicity of those books. I'll read them but then get halfway through and get bored and that only if I'm lucky. But I still kept them telling myself "Oh I'll give them to my daughter if I have one" But, honestly, I don't know if we're going to try for another baby and even then my instincts have pretty told me all my life I'm going to have all boys maybe as a counterbalance to my mom and dad having two girls. So today I made a big decision (for me) and decided to give those books away.

Now as you may or may not know there is a new bookstore in Pflugerville called The Book Box and it is an independent bookstore which I love. The trade in value there is pretty decent too better than you will get at Half Price which, while I do love them, they really bend you over the table when it comes to getting a fair price on trade ins where as The Book Box has a flat rate which may sound sucky but hey at least you know what you're going to get. And honestly? .50 store credit for a trade in for any book is really not that bad and hey it comes back to you. So tonight when I go up to the Book Box (which has obviously become my new favorite place) I am taking in a lot of books some YA and some Adult fiction that while I like I can't really see myself reading again and if I want to hey that's what libraries are for.

And by giving away my YA novels I believe I am helping the younger generation to read by passing on the books I enjoyed when I was younger. I would like my hypothetical daughter to love reading the books I do but honestly if and when that day comes I can always buy her her own copy and help her start her own personal collection. So if you are like me and you keep books for the sake of keeping them maybe this will inspire you to not only check out a new bookstore but to pass along your favorites in the hopes they become someone else's.

Happy reading!

The "Joy" of Cooking (?)

2009-08-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

The other night my husband and I got into a discussion that didn't end with me feeling happy. It was about food and the cooking of it. I admit that I don't do a whole lot of stuff from scratch. I tend to buy prepackaged and boxed meals for the quickness and convenience. So for whatever reason that I can't even remember how it got to that it felt like he criticized my cooking skills because I use that convenience citing you couldn't really call it cooking it was basically just warming up.

And that of course upset me.

I can cook. I can cook and bake very well thankyouverymuch. I just don't do it all the time. And while I would like to say it's because I have no time I know that is not true. Usually I'm just lazy and don't want to go to the trouble of cooking something so complex unless there's a reason for it. Sometimes I feel guilty but a lot of times I don't simply because there is a reason there are convenient boxes like that. I may be a SAHM but that doesn't mean I want to half of my day cooking something for dinner.

However it upset me so much that I told him "Fine. I'll start making things from scratch all we have to buy is meat and spices and some sides and we'll see how well this works out in the long run". And while I do realize it is a good thing in the long run it is pride that caused me to say that. I felt like he was attacking my domestic skills and that is very annoying because I feel I do a lot better than most women in my position. So what if I don't always cook from scratch? So what if sometimes I make Hamburger Helper and some frozen veggies for dinner? What's the big deal?

Plus cooking from scratch is a little frustrating in this house because of what I "can't" cook; all the good recipes are cut in half b/c he doesn't eat seafood. He doesn't eat tomatoes, or onions either so I can't make stuff like that unless the taste is really hidden or I can substitute something. I realized this when I checked cookbooks out of the library the other day. While I am going to continue on in my new way of thinking, I do anticipate a lot of frustration and bickering b/c of what I can't make with his preference. Because eventually what will happen is I will make something with onions or tomatoes and just tell him to spit it out because it makes the food as a whole taste better.

If nothing else this should be interesting.

Home Again Jiggety Jig

2009-08-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in Pflugerville from my trip to Houston. I had an awesome time there and I learned a few things along the way such as the Houston Children's Museum is a TWO adult job because of the age gap between my niece and son. I enjoyed driving through the old Alma Mater (although next time I go to H-town I am so getting down and walking around) and enjoyed getting my son some UH gear so come football time he can support my team!

However as stated before being back there was somewhat bittersweet. I remembered my time there and all the years and memories I made. I had my own special places I liked to go there and it was weird being back knowing that it wasn't my life or home anymore.

Now I know most people think Houston is a cesspool but I loved it there. While I'm not sure I would want to move back anymore because of all the violence I heard about going on there in my one week I wouldn't mind going and visiting more often.

But now I'm back home and I need to get ready for the school year and baby sitting again. Not to mention it is going to be Casino season again and I will really be enjoying that money especially since we're trying to pay off all our credit card debt which is not as bad as some others. It will just be a way to start off fwhat my normal routine is during the school year. That and more meetups which will be awesome for Trio.

I guess this whole trip showed me that home is where you make it. I enjoyed my time away but I was happy to get back even if both the coming and going were bittersweet.

Houston!!

2009-08-17T21:12:00.001-07:00

So I am currently in Houston for a couple of days to visit some old college friends and take a break from Austin. I have Trio as well as my niece and father with me (Albert opted not to come as he hates Houston with the passion of a thousand fiery suns). I wondered how it would be coming back here after being away for so long.

For those who do not know I went to school here at the University of Houston. So this is the first place I lived apart from my immediate family and the first place I had a life of my own. Many people don't get that is part of my love for Houston. I must admit I got a little nostalgic when I saw the 610/59 split I use to take to head to UH coming from Austin. I got to meet with a friend (SO AWESOME TO SEE HER) and go to H.O.P or House of Pies.

And I do miss it here. Most people think of Houston as a festering hole of smog and crime but....this is the first place I had a life of my own. Houston will always have a place in my heart and as such it will always be special to me. I miss it here I miss it a lot to the point where part of me would love to move back although it would never happen (see note on Albert above).

So all I can do is enjoy the time I have here before next week creeps up on me and school begins and as such my babysitting job which I am grateful for as I do need more of an income flow on my part. I am loving the time with Trio here even more even though the heat is sapping him. Tomorrow we should be going to the Aquarium Downtown (I will post on his blog if that happens) and I want to go to the Children's Museum I may just suck it up and pay the $7.00 per person.

Like I said it's just a little hard being here because it does hurt a little to fully know that the Houston part of my life is over. I love being a mommy don't get me wrong but I would like being a mommy here too. It's just one of those things I guess that will always be a little bittersweet.

Repetition of Housewivery

2009-07-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

It is an endless vicious cycle that keeps going and going and there never seems to be an end in sight.

It's the cleaning of a house.

I realize I may sound overdramatic but it's true; it seems like no matter how much I clean the next day everything looks horrible again like I didn't do anything at all the day before (more especially in the living room where all of Trio's toys are); and this is only with one kid! My goodness I can't imagine how chaotic life would/will be if/when I have more!! Or even animals!! Although honestly at this point it is looking like no pets for us at least not for a long while; I have no desire to have a yet another living thing to clean up after on a daily basis.

But it just seems to never end. And I hate some house chores like nothing else, cleaning bathrooms being one. I HATE cleaning bathrooms and it's not sociological thing having to do with my race or gender; it is just when I shared a bathroom with my sister she had a very specific way she liked it cleaned and as she was the older one and usually the one in charge it had to be her way or it was wrong. And it's because of this I hate cleaning the bathrooms; toilets are acceptable only because they're easy now but of course once Trio gets potty trained and misses then it also may be a big pain in the ass. Although I do admit I'm gonna be a mean mom; at 12 if you're still "missing" and pissing on the toilet rim, body, or floor you're cleaning your own damn bathroom.

Then there's laundry which is not bad I don't mind folding so much usually because I wash often enough where I don't have to spend an hour folding. Cooking I like I don't mind the dishes so much I do wash them by hand b/c our dishwasher sucks and since I wash them by hand I wash them everyday (with the exception of the weekends when we eat out at a family or friend's house). But it's the repetition of cleaning that's annoying.

Day in day our same thing and while I realize this is part and parcel of being a SAHM sometimes it sucks. You get tired from cleaning you really do. People who don't clean as often or those who have maids don't get it but it wears you out. Bending to sweep and pick up the stuff in a dustpan, mopping, loading up laundry and taking them out of the dryer. Then there's the drawbacks like getting bleach on your clothes when cleaning, trying to make sure your child doesn't get underfoot (I usually implement the playpen and some educational TV and got at it), and sometimes not having it appreciated. That's what really sucks is when people think that just because you're a SAHM you sit on your ass all day eating bon-bons, watching soaps and doing nothing. I don't need recognition but sometimes it's nice especially when I do something like clean both bathrooms on the same day which I never really do only because I'm good enough to get one day before Trio is saying (in baby language) "Pay attention to me!"

I also do a lot with Trio. We go out swimming or on playdates I think we may go to a children's museum soon so he can have some hands-on activity. I wear him out and myself out in the process and sometimes I take a nap when he does but sometimes I clean and do house stuff. Thus begins the repetition. And the cycle. And it will all begin again tomorrow.

Insecurities

2009-07-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I wasn't really popular. You may not know it from the stunning social life I have now (hardy har har) but my middle school years are pretty much a black hole in my memory as I've blocked them out they were so miserable for me. I mean I was the girl everyone made fun of in school and if I were in middle school now I would have probably been on some sort of watch list to make sure that I didn't go crazy and try to take out all the populars.

High school was a little better because by that time I didn't give a shit. If you didn't like me boo fucking hoo what do I care I had people who wanted to be around me. But the double edged sword to this was when my friends acted like they didn't want to hang out with me I got sensitive and defensive and usually had a big blowout with them accusing them of not wanting to be my friend anymore and telling them if that was the case then they could go ahead and take themselves out of my life.

In hindsight I realize that it was just life. That's what happens it starts in high school to prepare you for when it happens in the real world and life just takes you in opposites directions and paths. Does that make it a bad thing? No because one of the friends that the aforementioned scenario happened to is now one of my dear friends again. However I think because of my extraordinary experience in middle school (and I say that because I really don't know many other people that this happened to save for the few friends I had those years) I am always self conscious and think everyone hates me.

Yes it's sad but it's true. I can't let that part of my personality go. I think people really don't want to hang out with me, whether they're the friends from my Mom's Group or the ones I've had for years. I think they talk about me once I leave the room. I think they think I'm the worst mother in the world (although I do KNOW some disapprove of my mommy-ing methods but that's a blog for another time). And I can't stop myself no matter how foolish it seems. It is always something that's going to be part of me and the way I am.

I believe that no matter how old you get your insecurities stay with you. You can be pencil thin now but if you were the fat kid in school it sticks with you. One of my things was my hair. It grew out in an Afro when I was younger and I had to put so many chemicals in it to get it to grow down including a whole semester in braids to get it to grow. Because my hair got so much grief I didn't cut it pretty much at all from my 8th grade year until my sophomore year of college. Yeah it's pretty now and people are envious of the curls; but when I was ten it was the bane of my existence and even to this day sometimes I yearn for straight hair.

It sucks sometimes ti know that no matter how old you get your past insecurities are always apart of me, like some gruesome growth on your personality that pops up at the most unwanted times. However I know that if my life wasn't the way it was I may not be where I am now. I might not be the person I am and although I have my flaws like everyone else I think I'm mostly good. And that's what I can be grateful for whenever my insecurities rear their ugly heads and try to make me second guess myself. Because I do know I'm a likeable person for the most part. I know that at this point in my life if people really didn't like they wouldn't be around either at their discretion or mine because I'm not really that dumb and I can tell (usually) when people don't like me. I know that I don't get to hang out with my friends as often as two years ago BT (Before Trio) and that's just life and the demands of motherhood. I don't like getting a babysitter every weekend to go out and act like some 21 year old who has no responsibilities because I know I do. I also know they have kids and are in the same position and are just sometimes just plan tired from life and work. I have to remind myself of this whenever those ugly insecurities come to call.

Because I'm a woman; I'm a wife, mother, trying to be a writer to make things a little easier for my family. Because I'm good at what I do and I do those things damn well. Because I'm older and (somewhat) wiser about how people are and know that 9 times out of 10 they hate you because they ain't you and you have something they want. And because I'll be damned if I let my insecurities run my life now like they did when I was younger.

My Birthday

2009-06-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

Last week was my birthday. On the actual day I went to see Mamma Mia! at Bass with two friends. Friday Albert took off and we went to the Metzner pool in Pflugerville with our son and niece and went to see Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, and this weekend I celebrated by going to Pluckers and bowling with more friends and family (BTW if you have large parties at Pluckers I recommend outside seating. It's not too hot b/c it's covered plus they have misters that mist water all over you so it's not too bad). I had a FANTASTIC time. Mamma Mia! was awesome and just so much fun with the poppy Abba tunes and the brightly colored spandex outfits and I had a great time singing along in my head and laughing with my friends. It was great spending time alone with my husband and son and watching them interact at the park and it was great having one on one time with him at the movies. I had a great time at Plucker's and bowling was awesome and I had a blast.

And at the risk of sounding selfish I was so glad that I was able to actually do something on my birthday this year. Two years ago I was pregnant so I couldn't get drunk but I did bowl (albeit not really well since I wasn't suppose to lift heavy stuff). Last year Trio was recovering from heart surgery and we almost were discharged on my birthday but actually ended up getting out on the day after. So my birthday I was in the hospital room and went out just to dinner with my sister. I have to admit that I was grateful to have something to do on my birthday that was for me. I was so paranoid to call attention to it b/c then I knew something would happen and I would have to not do anything. I got into that habit last year in the hospital; it felt like every time I would celebrate b/c we might be getting out we'd have to stay an extra few days. So this year I didn't call attention to it.

But I am so grateful that I was able to do something. And that's not all. I'm grateful that here it is, a year after open heart surgery and my son is fine. Here it is a year after where I didn't know if he would make it or not and I am going through all the stages I wasn't sure I would to experience with my wonderful son. While my life is crazy sometimes and frustrating I do know how lucky I am in some respects if not in all but this weekend helped me to realize it. I have a good marriage and while everyone may not understand why I do the things I do or he does if we're okay with it that's all that matters. We're able to make it by on one income and that's great b/c if I get a part-time job we should be doing really fantastic.

But most of all I have my boys the two men in the world who mean so much to me with the exception of my father. And this weekend with them made everything I go through that's hard worth it.

Father's Day

2009-06-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

Since yesterday was Father's Day I decided to write about the idea of Fatherhood today. There are some facts that boggle me about father's and I wanted to get them out and say my opinion about the whole thing.

I remember reading a couple of years ago on a Trivial Pursuit card (yes I am such a nerd) that Father's Day is the one day of the year where the most collect calls are put through. I was somewhat unnerved by that. I mean how are you going to call your dad collect on his day? It just seems wrong. Then there was an article in the Statesmen a couple of years ago that said that when children are left in the car and end up dying that fathers get more leniency then the mother; meaning that dads tend to get off with lighter sentences and/or probation while mothers get long years. And it went on to say that most people have the mentality that mother's are doing nature's work and dad's are just basically facilitators whenever they watch the kids.

Which I think is crap; quite honestly there's no other way to put it. Fathers are parents too it doesn't matter that they weren't the one to carry the child around during the gestation period they are parents. I tell my hubby many a times I didn't conceive Trio on my own it was a two person effort and parenting is a two person job. I find it annoying when people say dad's are "babysitting" when they watch the kids; one of my friends teased Albert about that awhile back when I was going out with some friends that he was on babysitting duty and I said flat out "That's bullshit he's not on babysitting duty he's on daddy duty it's his son too". It's like no matter what that society is still in the fifites where the mom does everything with the child and the father earns the money. It's even worse if you happen to be in the position like mine where the mom stays at home people just assume you should do everything. And I do a lot but I draw the line at doing everythign because what I do is work I just don't get paid for it. You know it's work when you can be gone for like an hour and when you get back there is chaos strewn everywhere in the form of toys because they didn't notice.

Last December I went to The Nutcracker with a friend and left the kids with the husbands. When we got back to my place it was trashed and I was pissed; because the older boy had taken out all the toys from the toybox and dumped them on the floor and because he had gotten a stamp and stamped all over the hallway wall and door. And I asked Albert later "What the hell were you two doing that not only did he make a mess but he was able to mark up the door? Seriously did you not look up at all in the two and half hours I was gone?" And that really upset me because I should not get to go away to work or have fun and come back to drama and chaos in the form of a messy house because whoever was in charge wasn't observant to notice and make the children clean up after themselves. That's just how I look at it while staying at home is hard a lot of it is common sense. Should a toddler have an open marker or stamp and be left unobserved where they can write anywhere? How 'bout no?

I don't agree with deadbeat dads not paying child support (or parents in general b/c let's be honest there are some shitty mothers out there) but on that other side it seems society treats fathers like they're walking sperm donors and not actual parents. Everything in society seems to say the only thing a dad is good for is giving money and that's just not true. While there is nothing you can do about parents that are just messed up and aren't right there is something we can do to make good dads feel as important as they are. Don't be cheap and call you dad collect any day unless you're in jail. If a dad leaves a child in the car all day b/c he "forgot" he should just as much jail time as a mother would. Dads watching kids while the moms goes out is not babysitting it's being a parent. We need to recognize that in the parental process dads are just as important as mothers are and it's time for this double standard to stop where dads are made to feel like they're more inferior to mothers.

You're probably wondering if I feel this way while I admonished my husband in December. It's because I expect from him what I expect from me in terms of parenting and I was disappointed that happened because I feel he should have been more observant then what he was. We're in this together and I have to be able to trust that if I go out of town that everything will be somewhat smooth when I get back. I try to make him accountable for what happens on his watch because I'm accountable for what happens on my watch. I don't let him feel like a babysitter I make him feel like a father and that works for us. I admit I was different at first; I called and worried that he was doing things wrong and all that jazz. He told me it made him feel bad because it made him feel like I was second guessing him and his parenting skills and I had to work on that. I encourage everyone else to as well. Let's recognize fathers for the wonderful parents they are.

I hope everyone had a happy Father's Day!!

Summer Reading

2009-06-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

I am a bibliomaniac. There I said it; I love to read. Besides drinking glasses, whenever we move books take up the most space. My poor husband (who is not afflicted like me) sometimes just walks around the house going "There are books everywhere!!" I come from a books of readers; my mom and dad did and since they read so much my sister and I did to entertain ourselves. In fact my son is a little one too it seems as he will sit and read to himself (but that's another entry to be put on his on blog).

It seems books are like movies in that the big ones come out in the summer. All the series I read always come out in the summer or late fall (as Julie Kenner's newest Kate Connor book will be). One of the books that I was excited about this summer? Kyra Davis' Lust, Loathing, a Little Lip Gloss which is the next installment in the humorous Sophie Katz series.
Sophie is an author and 'accidental' would-be sleuth as she just happens to keep on discovering dead bodies. This book is no exception as Sophie happens to discover two within a short amount of time from each other. And I was really excited about this book being released as it has been two years since the last one was published (I remember reading it while pregnant with my son) and I have loved this series since the moment I started it.

I'll give a brief overview of the novel (with no spoilers): Sophie is wanting to buy a house and meets her ex-husband (now a realtor) at an open house; he tells her about another house that is not even open to the market yet and she agrees to meet him there. It ends up being a beautiful Victorian at an unheard of low price but unfortunately this is where Sophie finds her first dead body. The deceased's son still agrees to sell the house to Sophie for the same price if she meets the terms of his bizarre agreement which include a year's membership in the Spector Society and to report any 'ghostly' sightings to him. Should she in any way disrespect the house she is out with $20,000 but still out. The novel really picks up speed when she discovers her second body and finds out the pasts of all the society members while trying to figure out who killed the society member, including her own past in connection to one of the members.

I won't say anymore because it will spoil the book but I would definitely say pick it up as well as the rest of the series. While you don't necessarily have to read all the books in order like any other series it might behoove you if you want to read it in order. BTW if you buy it from Borders be advised that they (hopefully erroneously) call this the final Sophie book even though the author has said on her various social profiles that she is busy working on the next one, so you don't have to worry about getting into the series starting with the last book.

Happy reading!!

Wanting

2009-06-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to want to keep up with the Joneses...if someone has something nice I may want it but I don't whine or pine for it and beg my husband for a canary diamond/new car/granite counters/whatever the case may be. But I will think about it and move in because I don't feel the need nor see the sense in wanting pretty things I can't have right now.

Case in point? I want a house; a house that is ours a house we're not renting a house where I can paint or put in a nice ass kitchen as I am becoming quite the culinary master with my mini-cheesecakes and the such. However since I don't work we don't have much income coming in so there's no way we can afford a site built house any time soon. If we buy a house it will be a manufactured home because that's what we can afford and the hubster likes them as he can work on them. Okay that's do-able I can deal with one of those homes b/c once we pay it off we can move it somewhere else from this property. Am I happy? I wouldn't say overjoyed but I'm not unhappy about it if it is what I can get that's okay especially since the hubster knows what I want in a house and is steadily looking for a manufactured home with all those perks. He already knows I want a nice kitchen and built in bookshelves would be nice. So anyways getting back to my original point I want a house but I don't; I look at websites but not for long b/c as Anya said on Buffy I have no interest in taking the tour of pretty things I can't have.

Another thing; my SIL just had a baby and I guess I'm getting the look in my eyes when I look at her b/c my MIL commented on "Don't want any right now Paige, your husband said no" which is no biggie to me b/c it's true. And while I do want more kids, despite everything I may say in jest, the sane part of me knows I don't want more now; Trio is still young and while he is out of the woods health wise I want to be sure. We can't afford it unless something awesome happens (COME ON BOOK DEAL) plus I feel part of it is just "Oh look at the pretty baby I want another baby". So while I want a baby I don't; I think it wastes too much energy wanting something that you have no chance in hell of getting for a very long time if ever. It wastes energy and then you have negative energy hanging around you because the person you're with knows you want something either they can't or won't give you.

I think that's one of the problems with the world; people spend so much time wanting what they can't have either because of circumstances or because they sit around whining about how much they want it and do virtually nothing to go out there and get it. We have this whole "gimme gimme gimme" complex where we want things NOW and don't want to do any thing to get it because they expect it to come to them (usually b/c their parents gave them everything but that's another blog). No one is satisfied with what they have they insist on wanting more and more and more and that's just stupid. I think people need to learn to be happy if they have a comfortable existence. Is my life perfect? No in no way shape or form. But I'm content where I am b/c I think everyday how lucky I am that I can do what I do. B/C we live where my husband works and he is a damn good worker we will have this place to live until we buy outside or inside the community and then on if he wants. B/C of that I can stay at home for a little while longer and not have to get a job and I can be there for my son through everything until he goes to school. I have the luxury to write and who knows maybe I'll get picked up and get a contract and then we'll have money from that. I am lucky that I do not live in constant fear of my husband getting laid off, that our old 1999 little Nissan Sentra is paid off so we only have to worry about insurance and that (God be blessed) we had state insurance to help us with our son's surgeries. I am lucky that I can be a SAHM and not worry about making it.

And knowing that helps the wanting back down. B/C I am damn lucky in all those respects that I don't HAVE to get a job like other mothers in my life (whether they know it or not) and the job I do have is flexible enough that I don't have to work every party but b/c I am flexible myself they remember this and give me the great 8 hour driving out of town jobs (for which I get paid to sit in a van and ride). I am writing which I want and I have good friends. So while I may want a new house, car or baby I don't need them.

At least not yet.

Speechless

2009-06-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/crime/Mom_feeds_child_feces

This makes me sick and it pisses me off. How could someone do this to their own child? And what annoys me is that she whined in her blog about how hard it is to have your child in the hosptial. Yeah. It sucks; it sucks a lot but a sane person would do things to make their child better not worse. Feces in a feeding tube = worse. And now mysteriously her blog and YouTube video diary are private. Huh...not a concidence there.

I've been there it sucks to be in a hosptial with your child sick and it sucks and it stressful and you do a little crazy. However that's what the nurses and volunteers and doctors and chaplains are for. I had many of Trio's nurses look at me and bluntly tell me "You need to go for a walk and get out we'll keep a special eye/ear out for him". So I do not believe that this didn't happen to this Emily woman. And it scares me that she has two more children (who are with their father and not with her as she is in jail) and I hope that they don't have to stay with her. I hope there is some grandparent on either side that takes over because obviously this woman is not capable of taking care of her children if she was trying to kill her own child.

And that's also a point. She knew what it would do and still did it and her reasoning behind her insane logic is that it's hard to go back to that life after 2.5 years. Would it suck for something to happen to my son to cause us to be in the hosptial for long periods of time again? It would suck beyond the telling of it you have no idea how much I would hate that. What I would hate worse? Losing him so I would suck it up and deal with it, knowing that life in the hosptial is far worse for him than me because he has no understanding of what's going on and he's getting poked and prodded and given glycerin tablets to make him poop. Me I would deal and that's what this woman should have done and if she didn't want to be there all the time which is perfectly understandable she should have called in reinforcements instead of posioning her child!

I just can't imagine someone doing that to a child that is already sick. It makes me so sad. I can't even be as articulate as I want to be right now I am just so......

Unappreciated and Not Paid

2009-05-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

So at the beginning of the week we had a BBQ at my dad's with some old family friends that we recently found via MySpace. Since it was a holiday I will admit right off the bat that I got a little tipsy so not all my memories are exactly clear. What I do remember however is at the end of the night my husband was sitting down and I told Trio to get to Daddy to get something to eat. He stabbed his steak and sighed and was like "I'm tired of doing everything"

Excuse the fuck out of me? Don't get me wrong my husband is not usually that big of an asshole but I wanted to fucking rip his head off at that point. I took my son and drove home all the while fuming because I really wanted to know exactly what he thought he did that day. From all I can remember he did the meat on the grill and that was about it. I took care of our son all day even though he was off that day. I fielded all the dirty diapers, all the feeding, putting him down for a nap, making sure he had sunscreen on. I couldn't get in on the first round of dominoes because I was feeding oh as a bonus to this I had to clean up after my sister's dog peeing. Don't get me wrong I like dogs but I hate cleaning up after an animal that's not mine when the master is right freaking there. My sister who was also slightly inebriated didn't even notice her dog had peed. Oh but he did everything and I did nothing.

So this week I did everything. He really only had to do stuff with Trio once and that was when I went to my Mom's Book Club. Hell even last night while I was resting for a late night Casino party he dropped him off at my dad's so he could go play poker for our brother in law's birthday. And I'm willing to beat his ass hasn't even noticed that I pretty much asked him to do nothing involving the boy safe for the Book Club night. I took care of the evenings when he was home putting him down all that good stuff. As a result I have been very tired this week especially considering that I worked last night as well. And believe me I have had a lot to deal with one day even involving an unwated brown visitor during bath time and ending with a finished bath in the kitchen sink, emergency clean up of tub and toys and all that fun jazz.

I am getting really tired of people thinking I do nothing all day and here I am going to say something that has been on my mind since Trio was completely hospital free and I was able to start establishing a routine; my husband couldn't do it. He seriously could not do what I do all day everyday the way I do it. He couldn't even do it in a way that could be classified as decent. I watch the boy, take care of him and all that entails including emergency clean ups because of blow out diapers and poop in the tub. I keep on top of all the bills, when they need to be paid, how much and make sure they get paid on time. He is responsible for one bill and that is his credit card and 9 times out of 10 he can't remember to pay it on time I have to remind him. I keep up on what's for dinner, what groceries and other incidentials we need and I keep the house decent while doing it. Could he do that? A big fat fucking no sorry I really don't care how un PC that sounds it's true. Just now I found his ice cream pint top in the dish drainer on top of clean dishes. It's been there for at least one day because he that on Thursday night. So now because he forgot to throw something away I have to re-clean dishes.

It's a pain and this last week has not been fun at all since it's been really tense. I hate when things are like that but I also hate when people on the outside looking in (our friends) tell me that I'm so lucky to have him he's such a great guy. Don't get me wrong; he usually is and I am usually very happy. However I get tired of no one telling him how lucky he is to have me, how wonderful I am because I think I think I'm pretty damn awesome. I know I have my days where I can be an unbearable bitch but I do my best to make sure they are few and far between unless he does something to make me feel unappreciated like his little comment earlier this week. I'm still not over it probably because we didn't talk about it and never will since he's not really a talk-it-out kinda guy but I will be over it soon. Like I said I'm just tired of being unappreciated because I do a lot and most of my cleaning is picking up after a grown ass man especially one who was in the military. Shouldn't he be more anal than what he is? It just gets grueling and come the time when Trio is more hell on wheels he's going to start doing his own share because if I have to clean up after two men I'm going to go crazy.

You're Never Alone Again

2009-05-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I think one of the things I have really discovered in the last year or so is that once you become a mother you are never alone again. Even if you "go out" there is the ghostly presence of your child next to you, causing you to call and check in while you're out and about or go to their room first thing once you walk back into the door. However you become adept to doing things with child even if it's easier without and it's because of this I somewhat sneer at my husband and my friends. They whine about how they have to go to the store with the child and moan can't you keep them since it is easier to go without them?

Why yes; yes it is. Believe me I know how much easier it is because while my son is not that bad (yet) he still whines and cries and reaches and it would be so much easier to go without. However I do not always have that luxury (as is the case today) and when I have days like today I so much more appreciate it when I can do little things without my son underfoot. Like say grocery shopping? And today it was so much more frustrating since he refused to take a nap before we went so I finally had to corral him in his playpen so I could take a shower and then get in the car to run errands. Which of course five minutes into the car ride he fell asleep and between paying the water bill and going to HEB he got a cat nap which we all know what that does to toddlers so now he's running around all juiced up and there looks to be no nappy break for me in the near future especially since I have to work a party tonight.

Now this is not a mad at husband blog because it's not like he is sitting on his ass doing nothing; he's out in Sweetwater helping friends move back here. But still it's kinda hard when you are by yourself all week with the child and Saturdays/Sundays are the two days you get help during the daylight hours and look oh no you have to tackle one of those by yourself. It's like being told last minute at a desk job you have to come in on Saturday too bad so sad. And it's not like I hate being a SAHM (previous blog ascertained that) it's just on some days when there are things I discovered this morning I needed to do today and I was like "Fuck" when I realized that Albert would be out of town. So I'm having to do all this on a day when normally I could leave the boy at home and get all my errands done in less than two hours.

And that gets back to the meat of the blog which is that all moms are never home again. There's something about being a female that makes society think that suddenly we're expected to do it all on our own even if we're married or working. How many of my friends are working moms who work and in some cases go to school and come home and are expected to do a majority of kid duty just because? Or in the case of SAHMs who of course do nothing but sit around all day on our fat asses eating bon-bons, watching daytime TV and drinking wine (it's sarcasm people look it up)? Because we are at home people seem to think that we do nothing so it should no big deal to run around and pay bills and grocery shop with our little on in tow because our husbands work and need to rest?

I get the need to rest part; my husband works hard. So I do give him downtime and now he comes in of his own choice and plays with the boy as soon as he walks in. However women do not pregnant by ourselves; therefore on matter whether we work or not is irrelevant we should not be expected to do it all almost on our own. We need time to ourselves and even if we're doing something for the house like bills or groceries we should be able to go and do it by ourselves without having to take the kids. One of the most frustrating things when my son was in the first year is how my sister and husband would call me to go get something for them since I was at home? I finally snapped at my husband "Yes I'm at home but do you know what going out to run some asinine errand for you entails? It entails making sure the boy is clean, making sure he has formula, water, diapers, wipes and other incidentals in his diaper bag. Then I haul it all plus baby to the car and drive to the destination only to haul it all out again for a freaking five minute transaction at a convenience store only to repeat it to bring you cigarettes. You can see why that's not a good enough reason for me."

Sometimes I like to be alone; completely alone and it doesn't happen very often anymore for a couple of reasons. First off I don't really want it and second because there's just no way. Albert is once again the only worker who has the pager so he gets paged a lot so if he's not late coming home he's gotta go out because some dumbass locked themselves out of their house. And it sucks because we don't get time together alone but thems the breaks of life I realize that; it's just an ironic thing because while I bemoan never being alone I never really want to be.

The Play's the Thing/Greener Grass

2009-05-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

So I went to see Rent on Sunday with a couple of my friends. I love Rent. It is by far my favorite musical of all time, followed closely by West Side Story. Now as a result of going to Rent I want to see more plays. I have plans on my birthday to go see Mamma Mia! and then Wicked on it's opening night of August 12th. All in all I am very excited.

I use to act. In high school I was a complete liberal arts nerd and let's face it I still am kinda now. I acted in high school, was President of my Theatre Troupe called the Golden Myth Players (or GMPs for short) but I was also in my orchestra where I was first chair violist from my sophmore year. I miss the art in my life. I miss playing so desperately and I miss acting. In fact I'm trying to get involved in both again on some level; my friend is apart of the Vortex theatre company and I asked him to let me know when they have open auditions because I would like to try out. It's one of those things where I think I need something for myself that is apart from my husband and my son to make my life a little less crazy.

Because while I do love being a mother and wife I can't help but feel that with the lack of artistic catharsis. Sure I write; point of fact I have a written manuscript that I would love to be able to clean up and send out in hopes that it will get published. I have an idea for a memoir based on the first year of my son's life because I went through so much in that year, the first four months alone. I have ideas bouncing around in my head all the time for what would make good stories, screenplays, TV shows everything; my problem is I never get a real moment to write them because when I have a moment to myself I am either writing an article for Associated Content which the pay scale sucks but I do get paid. And it's a vicious cycle because AC also gets me in the habit of writing on a regular basis but I end up writing articles for them and nothing for me personally. Sad but true.

Typical response from most people is go get a job. Well once was kinda offered to me recently; thing is I don't want it. It would be another daycare but a daycare starting out from the ground going from theat rough transition from home to daycare daycare and the lady doesn't really seem to know what she wants to do. She wants someone there to work 8-6:30. Well no; I still want time to spend with my son where I not tired because I've been dealing with other people's spawn all day. Plus she is not sure how she is going to do the pay thing and my issue I DO NOT want a job where the taxes aren't already taken out; I saw how it screwed my in-laws two years ago with the paper route and no thank you because if I am still the somewhat SAHM mom I am now (I do have a job but it's a seasonal thing) we will need that big tax refund next year to pay off the other credit card we have.

Another thing is this: I read this on author Stephanie Klein's blog awhile back; it's one thing to be the type of mother you are whether it is working or staying at home and envying the other side.
Envy is something we will do no matter what position we're in. However actually going out there and changing what you are? That's a whole different ball game. I would not want to be a working full time mom; I would not want to fight with employers to go home because my child is sick and I have to go get him. I would not want to miss first everythings and I would not want someone else raising my child with their ideals because in all honesty (and I don't mean to be judgemental here) unless it is a nanny situation where you can tell her what you want her to do, someone else is giving your child their morals. It sucks but it's kinda true. I love having the luxury of staying home with my son I like being there for him every day. Do I wish I could somehow make money? Hell yes; I think if any President nominee came out and said that they would make sure SAHMs got some kind of pay out for doing what they do that person would have a damn good chance of being the next President. However we're not hurting for it; we can't go out and do fun stuff all the time because of bills but we make it. And there are some friends of mine who they both have jobs and they're struggling so really what's the point in that case? Either way you struggle so why not just stay at home?

So I stay at home because ultimately I wouldn't want it any other way. I think I toy with the idea of jobs because I feel people's judgement on me that I have a degree I should be working I shouldn't be staying at home. But my degree is in Creative Writing which is what I am trying to do so in a way I am using it. I know I probably imagine the judgement because I'm paranoid like that. Don't get me wrong; if I ever needed to get a job because we weren't making it anymore I might be upset and jealous of the other women in my life who had the luxury of staying at home for 5-10 years but I would suck it up and do what I have to do to make sure my family doesn't want for anything because that's the type of person I am. I wouldn't like it but I would do it and that also gives me an extra boost. Plus there's always part time night jobs I could take when his dad was home and that way one of us is always with him.

So I think of that and I stay where I am because it's where I want to be.

The "Drags" of Motherhood

2009-05-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

So my husband and I were laying in bed last night, having a bit of pillow talk; the kind you have right before you go to sleep the kind that is so open and honest that sometimes you wonder why you even bother to have that type of talk at night, why you are so stupid to risk it as 90% of the time something is said that will hurt one party's feelings.
Well such a thing happened last night. While this is in no way verbatim as, like I said earlier it was late at night, I mentioned that it was weird that he didn't go out with his co-workers last night (one of whom happens to be my sister) and he said he turned them down. Then I made a comment half jokingly "Well they could have invited me...I wonder why they don't." And my husband told me "Well sometimes you're a drag".

Excuse me?

I was like "What the hell does that mean?" and he explained "Well you say it's too late, you're ready to go home already, or you're always calling to check in on the boy; sometimes you're a drag."

That really hurt my feelings. It really did. I realize that as a SAHM perhaps I am not up to par on what's going on in the world, and that occasionally my life completely revolves around my son. And given the way my son's life started I do realize I tend to over worry more than the average mother. But as a SAHM I also feel I can't help it. I don't mean to be a drag but I can't stand mothers who go out and party all night with no concern for their children at home. My sister does that and it bothers me because even though her daughter is seven years old you should still call like once in the night to check in on your child. That's being a good mother, in my mind. However I also realize that you can't call every fifteen minutes to check on the baby because than what's the point in going out? And I honestly thought I was getting better at not over checking but I guess I was wrong.

And it also hurt because it just brought me back to a time in my life where I was always the one left out. While I hate to sound like a whiny Judy Blume heroine that's what has happened before; somehow at some point in someone's experience with me I cease to be cool for awhile and therefore am deemed unworthy to hang out with. And that hurts a lot especially coming from your husband. To be told that I'm no fun to hang out with; well what the hell dude? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm not fun for hanging out with because I never get to freaking go out? I just recently started to get out on a more regular basis, thanks largely in part to the Mother's Group I joined recently. Plus I'm getting to the point where I tell him "Hey I'm going out this night so either find a babysitter if you have plans or stay at home with our son." So I'm getting a life outside my home which is healthy. But still, that comment has been ringing in my head and hurting my heart all day that for all my work I'm still a drag. I'm still the uncool-ish kid who the cool kids get tired of hanging out with at some point and just blow off until they decide that hey I'm cool again.

It seems the best thing to do is continue what I'm doing and continue to have more of a life outside my house, outside my son, and outside my husband. I just have to learn how to walk that fine line and still be a good mother to my son and a good wife to my husband without "dragging" all those around me down.