Insecurities

When I was younger I wasn't really popular. You may not know it from the stunning social life I have now (hardy har har) but my middle school years are pretty much a black hole in my memory as I've blocked them out they were so miserable for me. I mean I was the girl everyone made fun of in school and if I were in middle school now I would have probably been on some sort of watch list to make sure that I didn't go crazy and try to take out all the populars.

High school was a little better because by that time I didn't give a shit. If you didn't like me boo fucking hoo what do I care I had people who wanted to be around me. But the double edged sword to this was when my friends acted like they didn't want to hang out with me I got sensitive and defensive and usually had a big blowout with them accusing them of not wanting to be my friend anymore and telling them if that was the case then they could go ahead and take themselves out of my life.

In hindsight I realize that it was just life. That's what happens it starts in high school to prepare you for when it happens in the real world and life just takes you in opposites directions and paths. Does that make it a bad thing? No because one of the friends that the aforementioned scenario happened to is now one of my dear friends again. However I think because of my extraordinary experience in middle school (and I say that because I really don't know many other people that this happened to save for the few friends I had those years) I am always self conscious and think everyone hates me.

Yes it's sad but it's true. I can't let that part of my personality go. I think people really don't want to hang out with me, whether they're the friends from my Mom's Group or the ones I've had for years. I think they talk about me once I leave the room. I think they think I'm the worst mother in the world (although I do KNOW some disapprove of my mommy-ing methods but that's a blog for another time). And I can't stop myself no matter how foolish it seems. It is always something that's going to be part of me and the way I am.

I believe that no matter how old you get your insecurities stay with you. You can be pencil thin now but if you were the fat kid in school it sticks with you. One of my things was my hair. It grew out in an Afro when I was younger and I had to put so many chemicals in it to get it to grow down including a whole semester in braids to get it to grow. Because my hair got so much grief I didn't cut it pretty much at all from my 8th grade year until my sophomore year of college. Yeah it's pretty now and people are envious of the curls; but when I was ten it was the bane of my existence and even to this day sometimes I yearn for straight hair.

It sucks sometimes ti know that no matter how old you get your past insecurities are always apart of me, like some gruesome growth on your personality that pops up at the most unwanted times. However I know that if my life wasn't the way it was I may not be where I am now. I might not be the person I am and although I have my flaws like everyone else I think I'm mostly good. And that's what I can be grateful for whenever my insecurities rear their ugly heads and try to make me second guess myself. Because I do know I'm a likeable person for the most part. I know that at this point in my life if people really didn't like they wouldn't be around either at their discretion or mine because I'm not really that dumb and I can tell (usually) when people don't like me. I know that I don't get to hang out with my friends as often as two years ago BT (Before Trio) and that's just life and the demands of motherhood. I don't like getting a babysitter every weekend to go out and act like some 21 year old who has no responsibilities because I know I do. I also know they have kids and are in the same position and are just sometimes just plan tired from life and work. I have to remind myself of this whenever those ugly insecurities come to call.

Because I'm a woman; I'm a wife, mother, trying to be a writer to make things a little easier for my family. Because I'm good at what I do and I do those things damn well. Because I'm older and (somewhat) wiser about how people are and know that 9 times out of 10 they hate you because they ain't you and you have something they want. And because I'll be damned if I let my insecurities run my life now like they did when I was younger.