Wanting More Joy at Christmas/Road Ahead

Christmas is just a couple of days away and I'm feeling kinda blase because I'm not excited like I use to be. Maybe it's just because as of right now money is really tight for us so Albert and I had to go easy on gifts for each other (I will admit I like giving gifts but I also like getting them). Maybe it's because we didn't put our tree up as early as I would have liked. Maybe it's just because I have a lot on my mind so I don't have time to get excited.

I remember when I was younger I loved Christmas. I loved the feeling in the air, the music, the decorations, getting things for my family and friends it was just awesome.

But last year that changed. I loved that it was Trio's first Christmas and I loved that he made it because everyone knows it was touch and go there for a minute. I loved getting him gifts and getting everyone else gifts like usual.

But I hated the obligation and pressure I felt from everywhere. I hated that I was made to feel like I had to go everywhere on that day just because. It drove me crazy the pressures that people are under and since it was my first one as a parent it was a huge adjustment for me since everyone wanted to see Trio. And honestly after what happened last year, I see why suicide rates are highest at the holidays. It's just so much it's like your entire body is in a compressor between obligations, family, presents, friends parties....ARGH!!

This year is a little different. We're going to spread Christmas around on a couple of days instead of having to do everything on one day which I think makes things a lot easier. Also I also know next year is going to be different since I am trying to get a nighttime job *more on that later*. So next year money won't be so tight and I'll be able to go all out for the holiday and maybe soon I'll get my love for it back like it was when I was younger.

As for the job; here's the thing. I never really wanted to get one but I knew in the back of my mind it would make things easier. I just wanted Albert to tell me this and if that sounds weird so be it. Sometimes I need to hear that doing things will be better in the long run before I do them because while Trio wouldn't suffer Albert will since I was be working on a late schedule. And I wanted him to know this before I did anything because I didn't want to have to deal with guilt later because my work schedule was so different from his. Plus if it wasn't really going to help in the long run why do it? However he finally said it would make things easier so I'm going forward. I never wanted to be one of those women who stayed at home even though it would have been obvious to Ray Charles that they needed to get a job. I never want my family to suffer because of my selfishness I think that's wrong. So I am trying to get a job somewhere and if I get it I will let you know.

If I don't update before then Merry Christmas!!

Nerdy Glee

I am a nerd. Not in that traditional sense such as I know Star Wars or Star Trek or any of that but there are some things that send me into bouts of nerd glee!!

Such as borrowing the second season of Big Bang Theory! I love this show! I don't get any of the physics jokes (liberal arts major) but I do love the intelligent humor behind it. I love that there is a show on TV with actual intelligent jokes behind it. I seriously think Albert is going to have to buy these for me or I will bug him until he does with references to the show and jokes from the show. Of course if he buys them for me they will no doubt get worse.

What else sends me into bouts of nerd glee? Glee! The show! I squealed like a schoolgirl when they sang "Defying Gravity" on an episode. (Poor Albert). I just love the show soooo much I'm sorry I missed so much in the middle when I was going out on Wednesdays to get a break but coming on the way is repeats for the holiday season!! Whee!!

I am such a nerd! I embrace my inner nerd. And like nerds obviously I love Albert (he's a huge Star Wars nerd. Don't ask. He is just trust me). I also love the nerd books by Vicki Lewis Thompson which if you haven't read you should really try.

Nothing really deep here. Just enjoying my nerd-ness!!

Respect the Turkey!!

So I realize this blog may be late but I've noticed something over the last few years and I just have to comment on it. It shouldn't be ranty but hopefully it will be funny so enjoy.

There is a definite lack of respect for the turkey in our country which I find somewhat ironic. Everyone knows about the Pilgrims and Indians and giving thanks for you know not all the Pilgrims dying their first year here when they settled. Every year growing up, I looked forward to seeing my family for Thanksgiving since the last family holiday beforehand is Labor Day if you even get together then you know? But the poor turkey is getting ousted slowly more and more each year. Last year Majic 95.5 started playing Christmas music the day after Halloween!! Thankfully they didn't do that this year. Don't get me wrong I like Christmas carols and the holiday as much as the next girl but please can we wait until Black Friday before we go Christmas crazy? I mean come on it is just silly how quickly people change from Halloween to Christmas, forgetting that little holiday in the middle called Thanksgiving.

All this month I've been saying "Respect the turkey!" and I mean it for many reasons. Thanksgiving is important to our history as America because you know what not every country celebrates it. It's important to also really take the time to think about what you're thankful for. When our country is bursting at the seams with kids (and adults) who have everything they want and they take it for granted you need to be humbled and realize that you are fortunate because not everyone even has warm food to eat every night. It's also because many people complain of Christmas burn-out which you would expect to happen when Christmas is stuck in your face everyday from the middle of October on. Who wouldn't get burned out a little even if it takes years for it to take place? Christmas is a time of joy and giving yet people hate the holidays because of the overkill it gets.

I challenge everyone next year to try respecting the turkey. No Christmas decorations or music until Black Friday and see if you look at Christmas with the shiny bright eyes that children do. It may surprise you the change you feel when you don't overdo it.

Whiny Blog

*Warning: This is going to be a whiny blog. Sorry if you don't like it but I don't do it very often, it's my blog, and I want to whine. Feel free to stop reading if you feel like it though I don't mind*

For the most part we've been fortunate enough to afford me staying at home but as of the last few months it seems like we will no longer be that fortunate. I mean a whole bunch of stuff has fallen upon us such as this crap with the car which we thought was a water pump but turns out to be a nasty crack in the radiator not to mention a sensor and thermostat needing to be replaced since it overheated already. So that is going to cost us a pretty penny which will go on the credit card and it just seems to be another drop in an overflowing bucket.

I mean we're still pretty far from our limits on the cards so I suppose I should be grateful since a couple of friends are already at their limit and have tons of credit card debt. If you look at it that way then we're pretty damn good because our debt is really not that much. However it still sucks that our money is so tight lately that we can't even go out on a date night somewhere cheap because we can't afford it. And it sucks because it seems like karma is just giving us the big old middle finger which is very frustrating you know because we've helped out people before and we've done good things for family when they needed help and you would think the universe would be nice to us or something and I realize that you don't do good things as a tally I know this but it still doesn't stop the suckiness.

And I know people are thinking "Paige don't you have a degree?" and yes, yes I do but do you know what it's in? Creative Writing; do you know why people become authors? Because they're creative yes and they like to write yes and let's be honest another quality is liking to drink I do have all these qualities but another reason is because they're okay with people but no one would ever call them social butterflies by any means and I'm that way. I have friends I go out it's not like I'm a hermit but sometimes I like being alone and sometimes I am socially awkward in new situations and it sucks but I can't help that. I'm a homebody and I like to be alone sometimes and writing is a good way to do that. So yes Virginia I have a degree but it's in a degree where most of the time I am at home, looking at a computer screen and getting my ideas down on paper. And until I feel proud enough of a manuscript to actually send it out to find an agent I'm boned because I'm stuck in an endless rut it feels like.

Don't get me wrong I like my degree and I am very proud of it but I'm also realistic enough to realize that with the degree I have I can't go into an office an expect to get a damn good paying job. I know that this too shall pass and Casino season is around the corner so I'll get a little bit more money and that I might get an agent and all this will be something to laugh about.

But I can't pretend it doesn't suck a lot and I can't pretend that I'm overjoyed at looking for a job where I'm stuck in an office away from my child and my husband at night. Whine whine whine piss piss piss moan moan moan.

And I'm done. Thanks.

To Daycare or To Not Daycare.

Okay I have touched this briefly in blogs before but in light of so many people bugging me about I have to get on a soapbox and rant for awhile. If you've read any of my rants before you know what you're in for if not well here we go.

I HATE HATE HATE how everyone seems to think that they should constantly share their opinion when it comes to how to raise a child and whether you should go back to work or not. While I know I may have to get a job I am looking for one that is as much opposite Albert's schedule as humanly possible without actually being a graveyard shift so we don't have to put Trio in daycare. Why you ask? Why not, people say. Your child really should be in daycare, they say.

Lemme tell you something. Telling a SAHM that her child needs to be in daycare for social/developmental/whatever reason you can possibly think of is on par with telling a working mom she should keep her butt at home and take care of her child. See? How's that sound? Not so nice when the shoe is on the other foot is it? It sounds harsh and judgemental doesn't it? Well that street runs both ways and don't you for a second doubt it. It's different strokes for different folks and having worked in daycare I have no earthly desire to put my child into any daycare I don't care how good it is. It's not even necessarily because of the germs or kids getting left behind in a classroom because honestly mistakes like that happen. The main reason is it's too damn expensive. It is too expensive for what you get and you don't get a lot because whenever there is something new and fun coming along like guests to entertain the kids or going on field trips guess what? You have an increase in tuition or have to pay a "special" price just for Spring Break, Winter Vacation, Summer Holiday, blah blah blah. That's more money that you have to pay in addition to the arm and leg that daycare is already costing you.

Plus the turnover is atrocious mainly because they sometimes hire little teenagers who think "Oh daycare" and think it is just playing with cute babies and freak out the first time they have to change a dirty diaper of (gasp) clean up puke!! I am so not a girly girl therefore I don't need nor want a girly girl taking care of my son because he's all boy meaning there will be puke, pee, poop, blood and yes sometimes various combinations of all of the above. You have people who have been there so long they just don't care to tell the teacher you relieves them anything so you go pick your kid up and the teacher honestly can't tell you why there is a bite mark on your child because she wasn't informed of it. Or you have lazy teachers who don't do anything to help or clean so it all falls on one person and as luck would have it that's the teacher who actually wants to make it fun but now they have no time.

I like staying at home with my son. Yes sometimes he drives me up the wall especially with my car being out of commission but you know what? I wouldn't trade it. Why would I at this age? If he was in school it would be one thing but he's not. Why work at a job that I have lukewarm feelings towards at best only to have a large percentage of my check go to daycare? Yes if you're like a lawyer then daycare is not that big of a dent but for us other people it is.

Bottom line is this; some people like be working moms some don't. Some people are content to stay at home and others are bored out of their minds. The thing we choose. The women's movement back in the sixties wasn't necessarily for the right to work although that was a big hunk. It was for the right to choose what we, as women, as mothers, as wives wanted to do. We didn't want the options to disappear once we got married and suddenly we were house women doing nothing but cooking, cleaning, and popping out babies. If we wanted to work we wanted to choose to work. If we were fine staying at home well that's all well too. But no you have Femi-nazis making you feel horrible when you want to stay home giving you diatribe like "You need to work and your child should be in daycare"

Bump. That.

I choose to stay at home. I have many friends who choose to work. Neither option makes us better mothers than the other one because we're still mothers. We still worry about our child when they're coughing a lung up in their sleep, we still cuddle and comfort them when they fall or when they're sick or when they have hurt feelings from a friend. We still love our children more than anything in the world no matter if we punch in a time clock or our child's babbles are our alarm clock. And people need to realize that and stop perpetuating this fight between working moms and moms who stay at home because all it is the end is a decision that you made because you felt it was right for you and your family in the long run. I've given you the reason why I don't like daycare but not everybody has that experience. Some people love the daycare their kids go to and that's great because you have to feel completely comfortable in that situation. However it's not for me.

And I feel I should add if you are one of those constantly trying to get friends to defer to your side whichever it may be you need to stop and think if you're really happy in the position you choose and stop picking on the other side. Because if you're so certain that your choice was the best that you make others feel bad when they don't make the same one then maybe you're not as certain you made the right decision as you want others to believe.

*steps off box*

I'm done.

Pitfalls of Parenting and Gift Giving

As Christmas and his birthday approach, I realize Trio is about to be bombarded with lots of presents which should inspire me to go through toys (and clothes) and get rid of a lot of stuff. Which I will...soon...eventually...maybe...

But it also made me realize part of the annoying parts of being a parent is dealing with gifts from well meaning people. I mean how many parents of daughters out there really like the Bratz dolls? Come on be honest....tell you what, I'll start. I think they're whores. Little bitty whores with big creepy eyes and if I had a daughter there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I would let my daughter have one. Barbie I can deal with only because at least she aspires to be something like a doctor or an astronaut. Bratz? No they're just horrible.

And therein lies a problem if people don't listen to you when you say "Hey don't buy that I don't like that toy for my child" and when they ignore you and get it guess what either you have to compromise your beliefs and let the child have it or be the bad guy. Karma doesn't play which is why I always ask parents when buying gifts "Is there anything you don't want them to have?" because I want it to be paid forward for me.

My thing? I hate Spongebob Squarepants. There I said it. Whether it is because for one month at CCY the kids on the Big Floor watched that video...every...single...day or because I honestly believe it makes kids stupid I hate Spongebob. I don't even let Trio get a glimpse of it and I had to have an awkward moment with my dad the other day (awkward for me anyways to tell him hey don't do this) when I said "We don't let him watch Spongebob" after walking in one day and it being on the TV. Seriously when I saw it on the TV and knew my son was in the vicinity I shuddered. I hate it that much.

So now with Christmas and the birthday rolling around I am going to have to tell people "Nothing Spongebob". See I don't mind returning a gift or exchanging it if it doesn't fit or if he already has it or if it is, say, the product of someone I think makes kids stupid. Anything else I'm fine with. Do I relish the idea of him getting a football and being brought up like most Texans boys that football is a religion and your priorities should be "God, football, everything else?" No...but I will take it over Spongebob any day of the week.

The pitfalls of being a parent is when no one listens to you and then by the time they do you've already snapped at them because they keep on ignoring you when you say something thinking you're not serious. Well for all those out there, friends and family believe me when I say that if you buy him Spongebob it's going back so why waste your money? I mean I listen to others; my sister actually told me no Bratz for my niece and I said "Well I wouldn't anyways sooooo" because yeah no. So please remember that in this gift giving season when someone tells you they don't want their child to have something there is a reason for it.

And be warned that what goes around comes around; buy my kid Spongebob and when it's your turn I will get the most annoying toy I can find with NO switch to turn it off.

All Over Rambling

I've forgotten how annoying it is to wait to hear from a place where you put in an application. I didn't have to do that with CCY; I came down for a weekend, interviewed, and pretty much had the job when I was on the road back to Houston to finish getting ready to move back to Austin. I mean, my friend Marie told me that I shouldn't worry; I have a degree so I am a good addition. This is true but now businesses won't hire you if they feel you're overqualified for something. I applied to Hastings bookstore, and to be a Sales Executive for Parent Wise: Austin and I'm thinking of applying to Twin Liquors. At this point I am somewhat desperate because we're going to need more money soon and casino season is looking like it is not going to be nearly as good as last year.

I also put on my Facebook that if you need help writing papers I'll help. True I might get twelve year olds who have to write book reports but hey if they want to pay the $15-$30 depending on how hard it is and how much time it takes why not? I helped Marie write her resignation letter the other day so I feel confident it is something I can do especially considering English was my major and even though the emphasis was on creative writing I spent a lot of time having to write papers on non-creative stuff. Plus I do want to be a writer; I am even participating in NaNoWriMo this year for the first time (I attempted last year but with Trio still under a year and the eventful year we had I just didn't have the energy) so maybe that will help too. I do like staying at home with Trio and if I have a job I can do from home where I make decent money I'm all about that. Even when/if we have another one and they're both in school I wouldn't mind staying at home and writing or doing something else.

Here's the thing; you may be thinking I'm one of those "typical" SAHMs who want to do nothing but stay at home all day even when they kids are in high school. Not true although if I can work and I do emphasis WORK from home why not? Why not be there to help with homework or hear if they had a problem in school that day? However if it is not possible I will get a job even if I can't be home when they get off work. Do I want my kids to be latchkey? No I don't however if it is necessary I will teach the ways of being a latchkey which is just logic and only necessary if I don't know my neighbors at all so there's no one else who can help keep an eye on them. That's the joy of living in a close neighborhood; you get help when you need it.

So basically I'm trying to find a job, one of which involves staying at home and will (maybe hopefully) lead into a job writing columns or articles for one of the best known parenting magazine in Austin which would be more awesome than Hastings because of base pay and commission and no tempting employee discount when it comes to buying books although I will take Hastings. I'm writing a book for NaNoWriMo and I'm thinking about if I need to really get a job in four years when Trio is in school.

Morning thoughts are always all over the place.

Returning to Work (?)

I turned in an application to Hastings yesterday and I am very excited about it. I did originally want to go to Blizzard but upon reflection it seems that Hastings is more me. I told them I would be available to start work December 1st so hopefully everything will work out for me.

The hardest part of this so far was telling the mother of the little girl I babysit that I had to turn in an application.

I'm not very a confrontational person. Stop laughing, I hear you, I'm serious. When I actually do confront somebody about something then it has been boiling awhile and when it gets too much is when I blow up and really tear someone a new one. So telling the woman this was hard for me. I anticipated yelling, insults, etc but she took it well. I am one of those people that I tend to think the worst will come out of a situation which is probably one of the reasons I hate confrontation so much. But it also that I forgot that this woman, for all her flaws and shortcomings (which everyone has don't get me wrong) understands doing what is best for you and yours and that sometimes you have to make small sacrifices to help out in the long run.

And that's what I'm doing. While part of me understands the huge benefits of working (we can pay off bills quicker, maybe can think about getting a house, etc) I do hate that I'm going back to work not even two years after Trio was born. What's a little more of a bitter pill is that, while part of me wants to stay at home, part of me wants to work. Whether it's because my husband is inadvertently (or on purpose) making me feel like a bum or I just need something really productive to do with part of my time so I don't feel so effing crazy. Plus the whole money thing is really big; I know it seems like I'm obsessed with money but I don't like living just barely making it I like to have my bills paid and then some for emergencies or even just fun like going out on date nights to eat or to the movies.

So keep your fingers crossed for me on this job; hopefully I will get it.

Possible Job Hunting

It's looking like I might have to consider getting a job soon. It's something I've thought about for awhile but it is starting to look like it might be better for everything in my life if I have something else outside of the house to occupy my time. I am feeling a little stifled on some levels.

Part of me feels bad because I flat out don't want to put Trio in daycare. I've been on that side and even though I'm not thinking all daycares I realize the position those teachers are in sometimes and I don't want to put anyone through that. For example when my kid is running a 103 degree fever and my boss won't let me out I don't want my child to be miserable without me and to expose kids to him and his germs. However I know how daycares turnover rates are as in my first year as lead in the toddler room before I left for maternity I went through about five afternoon teachers and that constant stream in and out is just not gonna work for me. So I have to get a night job or a work at home because while I'm sure I need the time out of the house and the stimulation I refuse to budge on putting him in daycare.

Starwood Hotels has a work at home option for reservations people but they need you to be free between 10 am and 12 midnight which is so not gonna happen with a toddler running around. Right now the best option is a night job which I don't mind but it's just figuring out what night job will work for me. Blizzard (the game company) is an option because they have round the clock shifts but the drawback of that is no time with hubby. However that is one that is the forerunner as of right now since it would still give me time with Trio.

But today I got an email with another option via Casino Knights; two actually one for a dining staff a la banquet and that one is part time and regular. The other one which may not work out well unless I can do it mainly on weekends is a rental car driver and cleaner. So I sent off my info on that one and am just waiting to see what happens. Here's hoping though because it is looking like a job will help all around. I'll keep you posted.

When It Rains, It's a Monsoon

There is that saying, "When it rains, it pours" meaning when you have one trouble a whole heap of it comes your way. Well in my case it doesn't stop at pouring it's like a tropical storm. Case in point this last week:

My car shits on me on Tuesday while I'm picking up the little girl I babysit from her school. Long story short it's overheating and we need to replace the water pump. We waited until today to call around because we so did not have the money to pay for it. As a result of the car not running I can't go out of town to see my brother like I wanted to. However it gets better; from what I can ascertain unless we get a deal from someone it's going to cost almost $300 for the labor alone not to mention the part that needs to be replaced. So on top on all the other bills we have due at this time of the month we have to worry about repairing our car. Happy happy joy joy.

On top of everything else this week, the little girl I babysit has been kind of a pill all week (hopefully it will pass tomorrow) Albert and I had a fight last night about something stupid (more on that in a later blog because it is an even bigger issue) and then this morning you know what happened on Trio's end if you read his blog. It has been a hard day I will give it that. And that's what got me to thinking about me and the person I am.

People have always commented to me on how strong I am; I was able to deal with my mother dying at a young age, being almost a complete outsider during my entire teenage years, and then having my husband go over to Iraq twice the second time being really in the thick of it. (I should note that I know a lot of people are going through this but it's for my whole point so bear with me). But I realized it's because when things happen in my life, whether they're changes big or small it's never really just one thing it's a whole bunch. When my mother passed I had to deal with that, plus moving to Houston to live with my aunt for a year so my dad could learn how to get it together on his own. So in addition to learning how to live without my mother, I was in a new place with new people with an aunt who hadn't dealt with pre-teen girls since her own daughter was one and that had been awhile back. Even when I came back it was hard because I went to two different schools in two years where the kids had been together since kindergarten and I was an outsider and thus had no friends.

That's just one thing. Like I knew this week was gonna be stressful on Tuesday but when you factor in how much has happened since then it makes me wonder if I'm strong because it's my genetics or I'm strong because I've been trained to be that way. And I bet other people are like this; when bad shit happens it's not a little turd here and there it's like a huge dump after eating bad Mexican food. So why the small saying? Shouldn't it be something like "When it rains it's a monsoon" or "When it rains run before it floods!". Problems never like hanging out alone they always bring friends. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way because if I am then maybe I just do attract problems like a bug zapper.

Birth Order Drawbacks

It has been a recognized fact that your birth order has some affect on your personality. For example first borns tend to leaders, and a little aggressive while remaining people pleasers. Middle children often feel overlooked and tend to be the complete opposite of their older sibling while babies tend to be be spoiled, financially irresponsible, and somewhat helpless.

Well I am the "baby" and I have to say that while I will own being spoiled and bratty sometimes, I am not a typical "baby" in most ways. However, there is one aspect of being a last born that I can't seem to shake. It feels like no one listens to what I have to say and my opinion is deemed unimportant and treated like it doesn't matter because oh I'm the "baby" and these types of decisions have to be made for me rather than with me. And I must say it gets increasingly frustrating because I'm tired of it. I'm 26 freaking years old you can talk to me about things that are going to affect me if I need an opinion I'll ask for it but otherwise please believe I'm a big girl and can handle it.
And when I give my opinon it's like talking to brick wall because people ignore it and ask me the same damn thing they asked me five months earlier forgetting or ignoring the fact that I've already given my two cents on the topic. I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time because decisions I thought had already been made will come up again later on.

It's getting really annoying to feel like all people hear when I talk is the Charlie Brown trumpet. It's getting to the point where I'm like "Screw it do what the hell ever" because it's not like my opinion means anything; obviously if it did the same damn topics wouldn't be coming up over and over again. It seems like I will never escape the baby aspect of my life where no one listens to me because they think I don't know anything. I really don't know what to do about it but it's getting really old.

Personality DNA

If you could find personality traits on DNA here are a couple that would be on mine:
1) Nosiness--yeah I'm nosey I make no bones about it. If you say something interesting in earshot of me, my ears will perk up and I'll be all up in your business. You have to admire the fact that at least I'm honest about it. I'm nosey as hell I want to know what's going on around me and that is something that won't stop until I'm dead and buried.
2) Sarcasm--I'm not as bad as I was when I was surly teenager but I still have my moments. It's a a trait that my dad, sister, and me all share so it's especially acidic to be around us if we're all feeling sarcastic on the same day. It's every person for themselves when those days come in the Crockett household.
3) Stubbornness--I like things my way. I realize that sounds bratty but I'm okay with it. I'm a lot better than I was ten years ago and I'm sure as hell a lot better than some people my age or older but yeah if I really want something I will dig in my heels and not move until I get it the way I want it. Annoying at times yes but also effective in getting stuff the way I want it and as I said I don't do it that much now only in special circumstances.
4) Procrastination--?

Now I'm not as bad as my family members on some levels. When it comes to housework, or getting other stuff done like bills, car stuff etc I am Johnny-on-the-spot. I can get it down and get it down quickly if nothing else to get it out of the way. I don't like putting a whole lot of stuff of. Perfect example; today Albert had the "brilliant" idea of giving Trio a mini bag of Doritos which he promptly overturned on the couch. I gave him the stink eye but he was like "I'll get it" So I waited. And waited...and eventually I took out the dust buster and picked it up myself after Trio was done "eating" it because I didn't want chip crumbs everywhere. Stuff like that I don't wait for and I hate when I ask someone to do it that they sit around twiddling their thumbs. Albert tells me I'm too impatient which I get but when I ask you to do something I want it done then not two days later; if I wanted it done two days later, well then I would ask you to do it two days later. Cleaning I don't procrastinate on I just hate doing it but I'd rather get it done and over with. If I don't clean it's because (like this last week) I have felt like utter shit and barely have enough energy to dress myself let alone clean a living room that's been struck by Tornado Trio.

Stuff like that I do not procrastinate on I get it from my mother. When I ask you do to something I pretty much want you to jump and do it then and I ask I don't order but it would be nice if you showed me that consideration. On other stuff though I procrastinate a lot...

Like my writing. I have a book written. It's not perfect I think the ending comes too quickly but I like where it ends so I have to think of a way to make the ending not so sudden. I have another idea floating around in my head I'm sure I could be good at. But something is stopping me. Sure I could come up with a laundry list of reasons; I am in the middle of a good book, Trio is too demanding of my time, I have to clean, I'm tired, blah blah blah.

The truth is I am afraid rejection. And I know you're thinking "Duh, everyone is" but no I seriously am. I have no desire to go get my MFA in Creative Writing because I have heard horror stories about how "critiques" are done then and it sends me into a cold sweat and the fear that I would have to be punch drunk every time I was on the chopping block. But I am terrified of it because it just seems another way that I'm not good enough. You may remember from an earlier blog about how I was in middle school. Well part of me can't let that go. Back then and even in high school it felt like I wasn't good enough in any way including looks, talent (which I know is silly since I was a great violist and thespian). But putting a book out there to try to get published is scary shit. What if people don't like it?

And I realize that is so silly because not everyone is going to like your books. Hell I have favorite authors and they have books by them that I don't like simply because it isn't my cup of tea such as Eric Jerome Dickey's Thieves Paradise or Johanna Lindsey's Joining or even the Karma Marx series by Katie MacAlister. But the fear almost paralyzes me when it comes to finding an agent and trying to get out there because I am worried no one will like my work.

But I'm gong to try to stop that crap now. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have worked up the courage to have sent the manuscript off to an agent and find one who will represent me to get the ball rolling on my writing career. I love blogging and writing for Associated Content is fine but I want my words to reach a broader audience. All I have to do is get over this procrastination strand of my DNA and be brave and send it out. All I can do now is hope I don't somehow talk my way out of it again.

Recycling Reads

I am a book lover as you may or may not know, so much so that I am considering starting yet another blog devoted to books and reviewing them. I have tons of books in my house that I've read, numerous ones on my TBR ("To Be Read") pile and whenever I go to the library I always get a least one book to read. I've always been this way probably as a byproduct of my parents (you should really see my dad and sister's collection of books. If you think mine is big....) because they raised us with a love of reading and books that I hopefully will pass onto my son although if what he does now is any indication I won't have to worry about it.

Knowing this about me however you may not know how hard it is for me to let go of books; and I many any books I have books I read when I was in elementary school still floating around. And my husband, bless his soul, doesn't say anything (much) even when we move and the books are a majority of our boxes (not to mention the heaviest ones). I kept these books because I like reading and remembering how carefree I was when I read them. Not that I have much to worry about now what with Trio's health problems seeming a thing of the past and bills will always be a necessary evil (obviously they didn't have these things back yonder otherwise old Ben Franklin's quote would have been nothing is sure in life except death, taxes and BILLS!!) but I still liked to think of the simpler times that I have.

However now in my new role in life as a mother and a wife and an aspiring writer (I still aspire dammit I just have a really bad fear of rejection) I realize that my tastes have changed and I can't really the simplicity of those books. I'll read them but then get halfway through and get bored and that only if I'm lucky. But I still kept them telling myself "Oh I'll give them to my daughter if I have one" But, honestly, I don't know if we're going to try for another baby and even then my instincts have pretty told me all my life I'm going to have all boys maybe as a counterbalance to my mom and dad having two girls. So today I made a big decision (for me) and decided to give those books away.

Now as you may or may not know there is a new bookstore in Pflugerville called The Book Box and it is an independent bookstore which I love. The trade in value there is pretty decent too better than you will get at Half Price which, while I do love them, they really bend you over the table when it comes to getting a fair price on trade ins where as The Book Box has a flat rate which may sound sucky but hey at least you know what you're going to get. And honestly? .50 store credit for a trade in for any book is really not that bad and hey it comes back to you. So tonight when I go up to the Book Box (which has obviously become my new favorite place) I am taking in a lot of books some YA and some Adult fiction that while I like I can't really see myself reading again and if I want to hey that's what libraries are for.

And by giving away my YA novels I believe I am helping the younger generation to read by passing on the books I enjoyed when I was younger. I would like my hypothetical daughter to love reading the books I do but honestly if and when that day comes I can always buy her her own copy and help her start her own personal collection. So if you are like me and you keep books for the sake of keeping them maybe this will inspire you to not only check out a new bookstore but to pass along your favorites in the hopes they become someone else's.

Happy reading!

The "Joy" of Cooking (?)

The other night my husband and I got into a discussion that didn't end with me feeling happy. It was about food and the cooking of it. I admit that I don't do a whole lot of stuff from scratch. I tend to buy prepackaged and boxed meals for the quickness and convenience. So for whatever reason that I can't even remember how it got to that it felt like he criticized my cooking skills because I use that convenience citing you couldn't really call it cooking it was basically just warming up.

And that of course upset me.

I can cook. I can cook and bake very well thankyouverymuch. I just don't do it all the time. And while I would like to say it's because I have no time I know that is not true. Usually I'm just lazy and don't want to go to the trouble of cooking something so complex unless there's a reason for it. Sometimes I feel guilty but a lot of times I don't simply because there is a reason there are convenient boxes like that. I may be a SAHM but that doesn't mean I want to half of my day cooking something for dinner.

However it upset me so much that I told him "Fine. I'll start making things from scratch all we have to buy is meat and spices and some sides and we'll see how well this works out in the long run". And while I do realize it is a good thing in the long run it is pride that caused me to say that. I felt like he was attacking my domestic skills and that is very annoying because I feel I do a lot better than most women in my position. So what if I don't always cook from scratch? So what if sometimes I make Hamburger Helper and some frozen veggies for dinner? What's the big deal?

Plus cooking from scratch is a little frustrating in this house because of what I "can't" cook; all the good recipes are cut in half b/c he doesn't eat seafood. He doesn't eat tomatoes, or onions either so I can't make stuff like that unless the taste is really hidden or I can substitute something. I realized this when I checked cookbooks out of the library the other day. While I am going to continue on in my new way of thinking, I do anticipate a lot of frustration and bickering b/c of what I can't make with his preference. Because eventually what will happen is I will make something with onions or tomatoes and just tell him to spit it out because it makes the food as a whole taste better.


If nothing else this should be interesting.

Home Again Jiggety Jig

So I'm back in Pflugerville from my trip to Houston. I had an awesome time there and I learned a few things along the way such as the Houston Children's Museum is a TWO adult job because of the age gap between my niece and son. I enjoyed driving through the old Alma Mater (although next time I go to H-town I am so getting down and walking around) and enjoyed getting my son some UH gear so come football time he can support my team!

However as stated before being back there was somewhat bittersweet. I remembered my time there and all the years and memories I made. I had my own special places I liked to go there and it was weird being back knowing that it wasn't my life or home anymore.

Now I know most people think Houston is a cesspool but I loved it there. While I'm not sure I would want to move back anymore because of all the violence I heard about going on there in my one week I wouldn't mind going and visiting more often.

But now I'm back home and I need to get ready for the school year and baby sitting again. Not to mention it is going to be Casino season again and I will really be enjoying that money especially since we're trying to pay off all our credit card debt which is not as bad as some others. It will just be a way to start off fwhat my normal routine is during the school year. That and more meetups which will be awesome for Trio.

I guess this whole trip showed me that home is where you make it. I enjoyed my time away but I was happy to get back even if both the coming and going were bittersweet.

Houston!!

So I am currently in Houston for a couple of days to visit some old college friends and take a break from Austin. I have Trio as well as my niece and father with me (Albert opted not to come as he hates Houston with the passion of a thousand fiery suns). I wondered how it would be coming back here after being away for so long.

For those who do not know I went to school here at the University of Houston. So this is the first place I lived apart from my immediate family and the first place I had a life of my own. Many people don't get that is part of my love for Houston. I must admit I got a little nostalgic when I saw the 610/59 split I use to take to head to UH coming from Austin. I got to meet with a friend (SO AWESOME TO SEE HER) and go to H.O.P or House of Pies.

And I do miss it here. Most people think of Houston as a festering hole of smog and crime but....this is the first place I had a life of my own. Houston will always have a place in my heart and as such it will always be special to me. I miss it here I miss it a lot to the point where part of me would love to move back although it would never happen (see note on Albert above).

So all I can do is enjoy the time I have here before next week creeps up on me and school begins and as such my babysitting job which I am grateful for as I do need more of an income flow on my part. I am loving the time with Trio here even more even though the heat is sapping him. Tomorrow we should be going to the Aquarium Downtown (I will post on his blog if that happens) and I want to go to the Children's Museum I may just suck it up and pay the $7.00 per person.

Like I said it's just a little hard being here because it does hurt a little to fully know that the Houston part of my life is over. I love being a mommy don't get me wrong but I would like being a mommy here too. It's just one of those things I guess that will always be a little bittersweet.

Repetition of Housewivery

It is an endless vicious cycle that keeps going and going and there never seems to be an end in sight.

It's the cleaning of a house.

I realize I may sound overdramatic but it's true; it seems like no matter how much I clean the next day everything looks horrible again like I didn't do anything at all the day before (more especially in the living room where all of Trio's toys are); and this is only with one kid! My goodness I can't imagine how chaotic life would/will be if/when I have more!! Or even animals!! Although honestly at this point it is looking like no pets for us at least not for a long while; I have no desire to have a yet another living thing to clean up after on a daily basis.

But it just seems to never end. And I hate some house chores like nothing else, cleaning bathrooms being one. I HATE cleaning bathrooms and it's not sociological thing having to do with my race or gender; it is just when I shared a bathroom with my sister she had a very specific way she liked it cleaned and as she was the older one and usually the one in charge it had to be her way or it was wrong. And it's because of this I hate cleaning the bathrooms; toilets are acceptable only because they're easy now but of course once Trio gets potty trained and misses then it also may be a big pain in the ass. Although I do admit I'm gonna be a mean mom; at 12 if you're still "missing" and pissing on the toilet rim, body, or floor you're cleaning your own damn bathroom.

Then there's laundry which is not bad I don't mind folding so much usually because I wash often enough where I don't have to spend an hour folding. Cooking I like I don't mind the dishes so much I do wash them by hand b/c our dishwasher sucks and since I wash them by hand I wash them everyday (with the exception of the weekends when we eat out at a family or friend's house). But it's the repetition of cleaning that's annoying.

Day in day our same thing and while I realize this is part and parcel of being a SAHM sometimes it sucks. You get tired from cleaning you really do. People who don't clean as often or those who have maids don't get it but it wears you out. Bending to sweep and pick up the stuff in a dustpan, mopping, loading up laundry and taking them out of the dryer. Then there's the drawbacks like getting bleach on your clothes when cleaning, trying to make sure your child doesn't get underfoot (I usually implement the playpen and some educational TV and got at it), and sometimes not having it appreciated. That's what really sucks is when people think that just because you're a SAHM you sit on your ass all day eating bon-bons, watching soaps and doing nothing. I don't need recognition but sometimes it's nice especially when I do something like clean both bathrooms on the same day which I never really do only because I'm good enough to get one day before Trio is saying (in baby language) "Pay attention to me!"

I also do a lot with Trio. We go out swimming or on playdates I think we may go to a children's museum soon so he can have some hands-on activity. I wear him out and myself out in the process and sometimes I take a nap when he does but sometimes I clean and do house stuff. Thus begins the repetition. And the cycle. And it will all begin again tomorrow.

Insecurities

When I was younger I wasn't really popular. You may not know it from the stunning social life I have now (hardy har har) but my middle school years are pretty much a black hole in my memory as I've blocked them out they were so miserable for me. I mean I was the girl everyone made fun of in school and if I were in middle school now I would have probably been on some sort of watch list to make sure that I didn't go crazy and try to take out all the populars.

High school was a little better because by that time I didn't give a shit. If you didn't like me boo fucking hoo what do I care I had people who wanted to be around me. But the double edged sword to this was when my friends acted like they didn't want to hang out with me I got sensitive and defensive and usually had a big blowout with them accusing them of not wanting to be my friend anymore and telling them if that was the case then they could go ahead and take themselves out of my life.

In hindsight I realize that it was just life. That's what happens it starts in high school to prepare you for when it happens in the real world and life just takes you in opposites directions and paths. Does that make it a bad thing? No because one of the friends that the aforementioned scenario happened to is now one of my dear friends again. However I think because of my extraordinary experience in middle school (and I say that because I really don't know many other people that this happened to save for the few friends I had those years) I am always self conscious and think everyone hates me.

Yes it's sad but it's true. I can't let that part of my personality go. I think people really don't want to hang out with me, whether they're the friends from my Mom's Group or the ones I've had for years. I think they talk about me once I leave the room. I think they think I'm the worst mother in the world (although I do KNOW some disapprove of my mommy-ing methods but that's a blog for another time). And I can't stop myself no matter how foolish it seems. It is always something that's going to be part of me and the way I am.

I believe that no matter how old you get your insecurities stay with you. You can be pencil thin now but if you were the fat kid in school it sticks with you. One of my things was my hair. It grew out in an Afro when I was younger and I had to put so many chemicals in it to get it to grow down including a whole semester in braids to get it to grow. Because my hair got so much grief I didn't cut it pretty much at all from my 8th grade year until my sophomore year of college. Yeah it's pretty now and people are envious of the curls; but when I was ten it was the bane of my existence and even to this day sometimes I yearn for straight hair.

It sucks sometimes ti know that no matter how old you get your past insecurities are always apart of me, like some gruesome growth on your personality that pops up at the most unwanted times. However I know that if my life wasn't the way it was I may not be where I am now. I might not be the person I am and although I have my flaws like everyone else I think I'm mostly good. And that's what I can be grateful for whenever my insecurities rear their ugly heads and try to make me second guess myself. Because I do know I'm a likeable person for the most part. I know that at this point in my life if people really didn't like they wouldn't be around either at their discretion or mine because I'm not really that dumb and I can tell (usually) when people don't like me. I know that I don't get to hang out with my friends as often as two years ago BT (Before Trio) and that's just life and the demands of motherhood. I don't like getting a babysitter every weekend to go out and act like some 21 year old who has no responsibilities because I know I do. I also know they have kids and are in the same position and are just sometimes just plan tired from life and work. I have to remind myself of this whenever those ugly insecurities come to call.

Because I'm a woman; I'm a wife, mother, trying to be a writer to make things a little easier for my family. Because I'm good at what I do and I do those things damn well. Because I'm older and (somewhat) wiser about how people are and know that 9 times out of 10 they hate you because they ain't you and you have something they want. And because I'll be damned if I let my insecurities run my life now like they did when I was younger.

My Birthday

Last week was my birthday. On the actual day I went to see Mamma Mia! at Bass with two friends. Friday Albert took off and we went to the Metzner pool in Pflugerville with our son and niece and went to see Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, and this weekend I celebrated by going to Pluckers and bowling with more friends and family (BTW if you have large parties at Pluckers I recommend outside seating. It's not too hot b/c it's covered plus they have misters that mist water all over you so it's not too bad). I had a FANTASTIC time. Mamma Mia! was awesome and just so much fun with the poppy Abba tunes and the brightly colored spandex outfits and I had a great time singing along in my head and laughing with my friends. It was great spending time alone with my husband and son and watching them interact at the park and it was great having one on one time with him at the movies. I had a great time at Plucker's and bowling was awesome and I had a blast.

And at the risk of sounding selfish I was so glad that I was able to actually do something on my birthday this year. Two years ago I was pregnant so I couldn't get drunk but I did bowl (albeit not really well since I wasn't suppose to lift heavy stuff). Last year Trio was recovering from heart surgery and we almost were discharged on my birthday but actually ended up getting out on the day after. So my birthday I was in the hospital room and went out just to dinner with my sister. I have to admit that I was grateful to have something to do on my birthday that was for me. I was so paranoid to call attention to it b/c then I knew something would happen and I would have to not do anything. I got into that habit last year in the hospital; it felt like every time I would celebrate b/c we might be getting out we'd have to stay an extra few days. So this year I didn't call attention to it.

But I am so grateful that I was able to do something. And that's not all. I'm grateful that here it is, a year after open heart surgery and my son is fine. Here it is a year after where I didn't know if he would make it or not and I am going through all the stages I wasn't sure I would to experience with my wonderful son. While my life is crazy sometimes and frustrating I do know how lucky I am in some respects if not in all but this weekend helped me to realize it. I have a good marriage and while everyone may not understand why I do the things I do or he does if we're okay with it that's all that matters. We're able to make it by on one income and that's great b/c if I get a part-time job we should be doing really fantastic.

But most of all I have my boys the two men in the world who mean so much to me with the exception of my father. And this weekend with them made everything I go through that's hard worth it.

Father's Day

Since yesterday was Father's Day I decided to write about the idea of Fatherhood today. There are some facts that boggle me about father's and I wanted to get them out and say my opinion about the whole thing.

I remember reading a couple of years ago on a Trivial Pursuit card (yes I am such a nerd) that Father's Day is the one day of the year where the most collect calls are put through. I was somewhat unnerved by that. I mean how are you going to call your dad collect on his day? It just seems wrong. Then there was an article in the Statesmen a couple of years ago that said that when children are left in the car and end up dying that fathers get more leniency then the mother; meaning that dads tend to get off with lighter sentences and/or probation while mothers get long years. And it went on to say that most people have the mentality that mother's are doing nature's work and dad's are just basically facilitators whenever they watch the kids.

Which I think is crap; quite honestly there's no other way to put it. Fathers are parents too it doesn't matter that they weren't the one to carry the child around during the gestation period they are parents. I tell my hubby many a times I didn't conceive Trio on my own it was a two person effort and parenting is a two person job. I find it annoying when people say dad's are "babysitting" when they watch the kids; one of my friends teased Albert about that awhile back when I was going out with some friends that he was on babysitting duty and I said flat out "That's bullshit he's not on babysitting duty he's on daddy duty it's his son too". It's like no matter what that society is still in the fifites where the mom does everything with the child and the father earns the money. It's even worse if you happen to be in the position like mine where the mom stays at home people just assume you should do everything. And I do a lot but I draw the line at doing everythign because what I do is work I just don't get paid for it. You know it's work when you can be gone for like an hour and when you get back there is chaos strewn everywhere in the form of toys because they didn't notice.

Last December I went to The Nutcracker with a friend and left the kids with the husbands. When we got back to my place it was trashed and I was pissed; because the older boy had taken out all the toys from the toybox and dumped them on the floor and because he had gotten a stamp and stamped all over the hallway wall and door. And I asked Albert later "What the hell were you two doing that not only did he make a mess but he was able to mark up the door? Seriously did you not look up at all in the two and half hours I was gone?" And that really upset me because I should not get to go away to work or have fun and come back to drama and chaos in the form of a messy house because whoever was in charge wasn't observant to notice and make the children clean up after themselves. That's just how I look at it while staying at home is hard a lot of it is common sense. Should a toddler have an open marker or stamp and be left unobserved where they can write anywhere? How 'bout no?

I don't agree with deadbeat dads not paying child support (or parents in general b/c let's be honest there are some shitty mothers out there) but on that other side it seems society treats fathers like they're walking sperm donors and not actual parents. Everything in society seems to say the only thing a dad is good for is giving money and that's just not true. While there is nothing you can do about parents that are just messed up and aren't right there is something we can do to make good dads feel as important as they are. Don't be cheap and call you dad collect any day unless you're in jail. If a dad leaves a child in the car all day b/c he "forgot" he should just as much jail time as a mother would. Dads watching kids while the moms goes out is not babysitting it's being a parent. We need to recognize that in the parental process dads are just as important as mothers are and it's time for this double standard to stop where dads are made to feel like they're more inferior to mothers.

You're probably wondering if I feel this way while I admonished my husband in December. It's because I expect from him what I expect from me in terms of parenting and I was disappointed that happened because I feel he should have been more observant then what he was. We're in this together and I have to be able to trust that if I go out of town that everything will be somewhat smooth when I get back. I try to make him accountable for what happens on his watch because I'm accountable for what happens on my watch. I don't let him feel like a babysitter I make him feel like a father and that works for us. I admit I was different at first; I called and worried that he was doing things wrong and all that jazz. He told me it made him feel bad because it made him feel like I was second guessing him and his parenting skills and I had to work on that. I encourage everyone else to as well. Let's recognize fathers for the wonderful parents they are.

I hope everyone had a happy Father's Day!!

Summer Reading

I am a bibliomaniac. There I said it; I love to read. Besides drinking glasses, whenever we move books take up the most space. My poor husband (who is not afflicted like me) sometimes just walks around the house going "There are books everywhere!!" I come from a books of readers; my mom and dad did and since they read so much my sister and I did to entertain ourselves. In fact my son is a little one too it seems as he will sit and read to himself (but that's another entry to be put on his on blog).

It seems books are like movies in that the big ones come out in the summer. All the series I read always come out in the summer or late fall (as Julie Kenner's newest Kate Connor book will be). One of the books that I was excited about this summer? Kyra Davis' Lust, Loathing, a Little Lip Gloss which is the next installment in the humorous Sophie Katz series.
Sophie is an author and 'accidental' would-be sleuth as she just happens to keep on discovering dead bodies. This book is no exception as Sophie happens to discover two within a short amount of time from each other. And I was really excited about this book being released as it has been two years since the last one was published (I remember reading it while pregnant with my son) and I have loved this series since the moment I started it.

I'll give a brief overview of the novel (with no spoilers): Sophie is wanting to buy a house and meets her ex-husband (now a realtor) at an open house; he tells her about another house that is not even open to the market yet and she agrees to meet him there. It ends up being a beautiful Victorian at an unheard of low price but unfortunately this is where Sophie finds her first dead body. The deceased's son still agrees to sell the house to Sophie for the same price if she meets the terms of his bizarre agreement which include a year's membership in the Spector Society and to report any 'ghostly' sightings to him. Should she in any way disrespect the house she is out with $20,000 but still out. The novel really picks up speed when she discovers her second body and finds out the pasts of all the society members while trying to figure out who killed the society member, including her own past in connection to one of the members.

I won't say anymore because it will spoil the book but I would definitely say pick it up as well as the rest of the series. While you don't necessarily have to read all the books in order like any other series it might behoove you if you want to read it in order. BTW if you buy it from Borders be advised that they (hopefully erroneously) call this the final Sophie book even though the author has said on her various social profiles that she is busy working on the next one, so you don't have to worry about getting into the series starting with the last book.

Happy reading!!

Wanting

I've never been one to want to keep up with the Joneses...if someone has something nice I may want it but I don't whine or pine for it and beg my husband for a canary diamond/new car/granite counters/whatever the case may be. But I will think about it and move in because I don't feel the need nor see the sense in wanting pretty things I can't have right now.

Case in point? I want a house; a house that is ours a house we're not renting a house where I can paint or put in a nice ass kitchen as I am becoming quite the culinary master with my mini-cheesecakes and the such. However since I don't work we don't have much income coming in so there's no way we can afford a site built house any time soon. If we buy a house it will be a manufactured home because that's what we can afford and the hubster likes them as he can work on them. Okay that's do-able I can deal with one of those homes b/c once we pay it off we can move it somewhere else from this property. Am I happy? I wouldn't say overjoyed but I'm not unhappy about it if it is what I can get that's okay especially since the hubster knows what I want in a house and is steadily looking for a manufactured home with all those perks. He already knows I want a nice kitchen and built in bookshelves would be nice. So anyways getting back to my original point I want a house but I don't; I look at websites but not for long b/c as Anya said on Buffy I have no interest in taking the tour of pretty things I can't have.

Another thing; my SIL just had a baby and I guess I'm getting the look in my eyes when I look at her b/c my MIL commented on "Don't want any right now Paige, your husband said no" which is no biggie to me b/c it's true. And while I do want more kids, despite everything I may say in jest, the sane part of me knows I don't want more now; Trio is still young and while he is out of the woods health wise I want to be sure. We can't afford it unless something awesome happens (COME ON BOOK DEAL) plus I feel part of it is just "Oh look at the pretty baby I want another baby". So while I want a baby I don't; I think it wastes too much energy wanting something that you have no chance in hell of getting for a very long time if ever. It wastes energy and then you have negative energy hanging around you because the person you're with knows you want something either they can't or won't give you.

I think that's one of the problems with the world; people spend so much time wanting what they can't have either because of circumstances or because they sit around whining about how much they want it and do virtually nothing to go out there and get it. We have this whole "gimme gimme gimme" complex where we want things NOW and don't want to do any thing to get it because they expect it to come to them (usually b/c their parents gave them everything but that's another blog). No one is satisfied with what they have they insist on wanting more and more and more and that's just stupid. I think people need to learn to be happy if they have a comfortable existence. Is my life perfect? No in no way shape or form. But I'm content where I am b/c I think everyday how lucky I am that I can do what I do. B/C we live where my husband works and he is a damn good worker we will have this place to live until we buy outside or inside the community and then on if he wants. B/C of that I can stay at home for a little while longer and not have to get a job and I can be there for my son through everything until he goes to school. I have the luxury to write and who knows maybe I'll get picked up and get a contract and then we'll have money from that. I am lucky that I do not live in constant fear of my husband getting laid off, that our old 1999 little Nissan Sentra is paid off so we only have to worry about insurance and that (God be blessed) we had state insurance to help us with our son's surgeries. I am lucky that I can be a SAHM and not worry about making it.

And knowing that helps the wanting back down. B/C I am damn lucky in all those respects that I don't HAVE to get a job like other mothers in my life (whether they know it or not) and the job I do have is flexible enough that I don't have to work every party but b/c I am flexible myself they remember this and give me the great 8 hour driving out of town jobs (for which I get paid to sit in a van and ride). I am writing which I want and I have good friends. So while I may want a new house, car or baby I don't need them.

At least not yet.

Speechless

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/crime/Mom_feeds_child_feces

This makes me sick and it pisses me off. How could someone do this to their own child? And what annoys me is that she whined in her blog about how hard it is to have your child in the hosptial. Yeah. It sucks; it sucks a lot but a sane person would do things to make their child better not worse. Feces in a feeding tube = worse. And now mysteriously her blog and YouTube video diary are private. Huh...not a concidence there.

I've been there it sucks to be in a hosptial with your child sick and it sucks and it stressful and you do a little crazy. However that's what the nurses and volunteers and doctors and chaplains are for. I had many of Trio's nurses look at me and bluntly tell me "You need to go for a walk and get out we'll keep a special eye/ear out for him". So I do not believe that this didn't happen to this Emily woman. And it scares me that she has two more children (who are with their father and not with her as she is in jail) and I hope that they don't have to stay with her. I hope there is some grandparent on either side that takes over because obviously this woman is not capable of taking care of her children if she was trying to kill her own child.

And that's also a point. She knew what it would do and still did it and her reasoning behind her insane logic is that it's hard to go back to that life after 2.5 years. Would it suck for something to happen to my son to cause us to be in the hosptial for long periods of time again? It would suck beyond the telling of it you have no idea how much I would hate that. What I would hate worse? Losing him so I would suck it up and deal with it, knowing that life in the hosptial is far worse for him than me because he has no understanding of what's going on and he's getting poked and prodded and given glycerin tablets to make him poop. Me I would deal and that's what this woman should have done and if she didn't want to be there all the time which is perfectly understandable she should have called in reinforcements instead of posioning her child!

I just can't imagine someone doing that to a child that is already sick. It makes me so sad. I can't even be as articulate as I want to be right now I am just so......

Unappreciated and Not Paid

So at the beginning of the week we had a BBQ at my dad's with some old family friends that we recently found via MySpace. Since it was a holiday I will admit right off the bat that I got a little tipsy so not all my memories are exactly clear. What I do remember however is at the end of the night my husband was sitting down and I told Trio to get to Daddy to get something to eat. He stabbed his steak and sighed and was like "I'm tired of doing everything"

Excuse the fuck out of me? Don't get me wrong my husband is not usually that big of an asshole but I wanted to fucking rip his head off at that point. I took my son and drove home all the while fuming because I really wanted to know exactly what he thought he did that day. From all I can remember he did the meat on the grill and that was about it. I took care of our son all day even though he was off that day. I fielded all the dirty diapers, all the feeding, putting him down for a nap, making sure he had sunscreen on. I couldn't get in on the first round of dominoes because I was feeding oh as a bonus to this I had to clean up after my sister's dog peeing. Don't get me wrong I like dogs but I hate cleaning up after an animal that's not mine when the master is right freaking there. My sister who was also slightly inebriated didn't even notice her dog had peed. Oh but he did everything and I did nothing.

So this week I did everything. He really only had to do stuff with Trio once and that was when I went to my Mom's Book Club. Hell even last night while I was resting for a late night Casino party he dropped him off at my dad's so he could go play poker for our brother in law's birthday. And I'm willing to beat his ass hasn't even noticed that I pretty much asked him to do nothing involving the boy safe for the Book Club night. I took care of the evenings when he was home putting him down all that good stuff. As a result I have been very tired this week especially considering that I worked last night as well. And believe me I have had a lot to deal with one day even involving an unwated brown visitor during bath time and ending with a finished bath in the kitchen sink, emergency clean up of tub and toys and all that fun jazz.

I am getting really tired of people thinking I do nothing all day and here I am going to say something that has been on my mind since Trio was completely hospital free and I was able to start establishing a routine; my husband couldn't do it. He seriously could not do what I do all day everyday the way I do it. He couldn't even do it in a way that could be classified as decent. I watch the boy, take care of him and all that entails including emergency clean ups because of blow out diapers and poop in the tub. I keep on top of all the bills, when they need to be paid, how much and make sure they get paid on time. He is responsible for one bill and that is his credit card and 9 times out of 10 he can't remember to pay it on time I have to remind him. I keep up on what's for dinner, what groceries and other incidentials we need and I keep the house decent while doing it. Could he do that? A big fat fucking no sorry I really don't care how un PC that sounds it's true. Just now I found his ice cream pint top in the dish drainer on top of clean dishes. It's been there for at least one day because he that on Thursday night. So now because he forgot to throw something away I have to re-clean dishes.

It's a pain and this last week has not been fun at all since it's been really tense. I hate when things are like that but I also hate when people on the outside looking in (our friends) tell me that I'm so lucky to have him he's such a great guy. Don't get me wrong; he usually is and I am usually very happy. However I get tired of no one telling him how lucky he is to have me, how wonderful I am because I think I think I'm pretty damn awesome. I know I have my days where I can be an unbearable bitch but I do my best to make sure they are few and far between unless he does something to make me feel unappreciated like his little comment earlier this week. I'm still not over it probably because we didn't talk about it and never will since he's not really a talk-it-out kinda guy but I will be over it soon. Like I said I'm just tired of being unappreciated because I do a lot and most of my cleaning is picking up after a grown ass man especially one who was in the military. Shouldn't he be more anal than what he is? It just gets grueling and come the time when Trio is more hell on wheels he's going to start doing his own share because if I have to clean up after two men I'm going to go crazy.

You're Never Alone Again

I think one of the things I have really discovered in the last year or so is that once you become a mother you are never alone again. Even if you "go out" there is the ghostly presence of your child next to you, causing you to call and check in while you're out and about or go to their room first thing once you walk back into the door. However you become adept to doing things with child even if it's easier without and it's because of this I somewhat sneer at my husband and my friends. They whine about how they have to go to the store with the child and moan can't you keep them since it is easier to go without them?

Why yes; yes it is. Believe me I know how much easier it is because while my son is not that bad (yet) he still whines and cries and reaches and it would be so much easier to go without. However I do not always have that luxury (as is the case today) and when I have days like today I so much more appreciate it when I can do little things without my son underfoot. Like say grocery shopping? And today it was so much more frustrating since he refused to take a nap before we went so I finally had to corral him in his playpen so I could take a shower and then get in the car to run errands. Which of course five minutes into the car ride he fell asleep and between paying the water bill and going to HEB he got a cat nap which we all know what that does to toddlers so now he's running around all juiced up and there looks to be no nappy break for me in the near future especially since I have to work a party tonight.

Now this is not a mad at husband blog because it's not like he is sitting on his ass doing nothing; he's out in Sweetwater helping friends move back here. But still it's kinda hard when you are by yourself all week with the child and Saturdays/Sundays are the two days you get help during the daylight hours and look oh no you have to tackle one of those by yourself. It's like being told last minute at a desk job you have to come in on Saturday too bad so sad. And it's not like I hate being a SAHM (previous blog ascertained that) it's just on some days when there are things I discovered this morning I needed to do today and I was like "Fuck" when I realized that Albert would be out of town. So I'm having to do all this on a day when normally I could leave the boy at home and get all my errands done in less than two hours.

And that gets back to the meat of the blog which is that all moms are never home again. There's something about being a female that makes society think that suddenly we're expected to do it all on our own even if we're married or working. How many of my friends are working moms who work and in some cases go to school and come home and are expected to do a majority of kid duty just because? Or in the case of SAHMs who of course do nothing but sit around all day on our fat asses eating bon-bons, watching daytime TV and drinking wine (it's sarcasm people look it up)? Because we are at home people seem to think that we do nothing so it should no big deal to run around and pay bills and grocery shop with our little on in tow because our husbands work and need to rest?

I get the need to rest part; my husband works hard. So I do give him downtime and now he comes in of his own choice and plays with the boy as soon as he walks in. However women do not pregnant by ourselves; therefore on matter whether we work or not is irrelevant we should not be expected to do it all almost on our own. We need time to ourselves and even if we're doing something for the house like bills or groceries we should be able to go and do it by ourselves without having to take the kids. One of the most frustrating things when my son was in the first year is how my sister and husband would call me to go get something for them since I was at home? I finally snapped at my husband "Yes I'm at home but do you know what going out to run some asinine errand for you entails? It entails making sure the boy is clean, making sure he has formula, water, diapers, wipes and other incidentals in his diaper bag. Then I haul it all plus baby to the car and drive to the destination only to haul it all out again for a freaking five minute transaction at a convenience store only to repeat it to bring you cigarettes. You can see why that's not a good enough reason for me."

Sometimes I like to be alone; completely alone and it doesn't happen very often anymore for a couple of reasons. First off I don't really want it and second because there's just no way. Albert is once again the only worker who has the pager so he gets paged a lot so if he's not late coming home he's gotta go out because some dumbass locked themselves out of their house. And it sucks because we don't get time together alone but thems the breaks of life I realize that; it's just an ironic thing because while I bemoan never being alone I never really want to be.

The Play's the Thing/Greener Grass

So I went to see Rent on Sunday with a couple of my friends. I love Rent. It is by far my favorite musical of all time, followed closely by West Side Story. Now as a result of going to Rent I want to see more plays. I have plans on my birthday to go see Mamma Mia! and then Wicked on it's opening night of August 12th. All in all I am very excited.

I use to act. In high school I was a complete liberal arts nerd and let's face it I still am kinda now. I acted in high school, was President of my Theatre Troupe called the Golden Myth Players (or GMPs for short) but I was also in my orchestra where I was first chair violist from my sophmore year. I miss the art in my life. I miss playing so desperately and I miss acting. In fact I'm trying to get involved in both again on some level; my friend is apart of the Vortex theatre company and I asked him to let me know when they have open auditions because I would like to try out. It's one of those things where I think I need something for myself that is apart from my husband and my son to make my life a little less crazy.

Because while I do love being a mother and wife I can't help but feel that with the lack of artistic catharsis. Sure I write; point of fact I have a written manuscript that I would love to be able to clean up and send out in hopes that it will get published. I have an idea for a memoir based on the first year of my son's life because I went through so much in that year, the first four months alone. I have ideas bouncing around in my head all the time for what would make good stories, screenplays, TV shows everything; my problem is I never get a real moment to write them because when I have a moment to myself I am either writing an article for Associated Content which the pay scale sucks but I do get paid. And it's a vicious cycle because AC also gets me in the habit of writing on a regular basis but I end up writing articles for them and nothing for me personally. Sad but true.

Typical response from most people is go get a job. Well once was kinda offered to me recently; thing is I don't want it. It would be another daycare but a daycare starting out from the ground going from theat rough transition from home to daycare daycare and the lady doesn't really seem to know what she wants to do. She wants someone there to work 8-6:30. Well no; I still want time to spend with my son where I not tired because I've been dealing with other people's spawn all day. Plus she is not sure how she is going to do the pay thing and my issue I DO NOT want a job where the taxes aren't already taken out; I saw how it screwed my in-laws two years ago with the paper route and no thank you because if I am still the somewhat SAHM mom I am now (I do have a job but it's a seasonal thing) we will need that big tax refund next year to pay off the other credit card we have.

Another thing is this: I read this on author Stephanie Klein's blog awhile back; it's one thing to be the type of mother you are whether it is working or staying at home and envying the other side.
Envy is something we will do no matter what position we're in. However actually going out there and changing what you are? That's a whole different ball game. I would not want to be a working full time mom; I would not want to fight with employers to go home because my child is sick and I have to go get him. I would not want to miss first everythings and I would not want someone else raising my child with their ideals because in all honesty (and I don't mean to be judgemental here) unless it is a nanny situation where you can tell her what you want her to do, someone else is giving your child their morals. It sucks but it's kinda true. I love having the luxury of staying home with my son I like being there for him every day. Do I wish I could somehow make money? Hell yes; I think if any President nominee came out and said that they would make sure SAHMs got some kind of pay out for doing what they do that person would have a damn good chance of being the next President. However we're not hurting for it; we can't go out and do fun stuff all the time because of bills but we make it. And there are some friends of mine who they both have jobs and they're struggling so really what's the point in that case? Either way you struggle so why not just stay at home?

So I stay at home because ultimately I wouldn't want it any other way. I think I toy with the idea of jobs because I feel people's judgement on me that I have a degree I should be working I shouldn't be staying at home. But my degree is in Creative Writing which is what I am trying to do so in a way I am using it. I know I probably imagine the judgement because I'm paranoid like that. Don't get me wrong; if I ever needed to get a job because we weren't making it anymore I might be upset and jealous of the other women in my life who had the luxury of staying at home for 5-10 years but I would suck it up and do what I have to do to make sure my family doesn't want for anything because that's the type of person I am. I wouldn't like it but I would do it and that also gives me an extra boost. Plus there's always part time night jobs I could take when his dad was home and that way one of us is always with him.

So I think of that and I stay where I am because it's where I want to be.

The "Drags" of Motherhood

So my husband and I were laying in bed last night, having a bit of pillow talk; the kind you have right before you go to sleep the kind that is so open and honest that sometimes you wonder why you even bother to have that type of talk at night, why you are so stupid to risk it as 90% of the time something is said that will hurt one party's feelings.
Well such a thing happened last night. While this is in no way verbatim as, like I said earlier it was late at night, I mentioned that it was weird that he didn't go out with his co-workers last night (one of whom happens to be my sister) and he said he turned them down. Then I made a comment half jokingly "Well they could have invited me...I wonder why they don't." And my husband told me "Well sometimes you're a drag".

Excuse me?

I was like "What the hell does that mean?" and he explained "Well you say it's too late, you're ready to go home already, or you're always calling to check in on the boy; sometimes you're a drag."

That really hurt my feelings. It really did. I realize that as a SAHM perhaps I am not up to par on what's going on in the world, and that occasionally my life completely revolves around my son. And given the way my son's life started I do realize I tend to over worry more than the average mother. But as a SAHM I also feel I can't help it. I don't mean to be a drag but I can't stand mothers who go out and party all night with no concern for their children at home. My sister does that and it bothers me because even though her daughter is seven years old you should still call like once in the night to check in on your child. That's being a good mother, in my mind. However I also realize that you can't call every fifteen minutes to check on the baby because than what's the point in going out? And I honestly thought I was getting better at not over checking but I guess I was wrong.

And it also hurt because it just brought me back to a time in my life where I was always the one left out. While I hate to sound like a whiny Judy Blume heroine that's what has happened before; somehow at some point in someone's experience with me I cease to be cool for awhile and therefore am deemed unworthy to hang out with. And that hurts a lot especially coming from your husband. To be told that I'm no fun to hang out with; well what the hell dude? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm not fun for hanging out with because I never get to freaking go out? I just recently started to get out on a more regular basis, thanks largely in part to the Mother's Group I joined recently. Plus I'm getting to the point where I tell him "Hey I'm going out this night so either find a babysitter if you have plans or stay at home with our son." So I'm getting a life outside my home which is healthy. But still, that comment has been ringing in my head and hurting my heart all day that for all my work I'm still a drag. I'm still the uncool-ish kid who the cool kids get tired of hanging out with at some point and just blow off until they decide that hey I'm cool again.

It seems the best thing to do is continue what I'm doing and continue to have more of a life outside my house, outside my son, and outside my husband. I just have to learn how to walk that fine line and still be a good mother to my son and a good wife to my husband without "dragging" all those around me down.