So at the beginning of the week we had a BBQ at my dad's with some old family friends that we recently found via MySpace. Since it was a holiday I will admit right off the bat that I got a little tipsy so not all my memories are exactly clear. What I do remember however is at the end of the night my husband was sitting down and I told Trio to get to Daddy to get something to eat. He stabbed his steak and sighed and was like "I'm tired of doing everything"
Excuse the fuck out of me? Don't get me wrong my husband is not usually that big of an asshole but I wanted to fucking rip his head off at that point. I took my son and drove home all the while fuming because I really wanted to know exactly what he thought he did that day. From all I can remember he did the meat on the grill and that was about it. I took care of our son all day even though he was off that day. I fielded all the dirty diapers, all the feeding, putting him down for a nap, making sure he had sunscreen on. I couldn't get in on the first round of dominoes because I was feeding oh as a bonus to this I had to clean up after my sister's dog peeing. Don't get me wrong I like dogs but I hate cleaning up after an animal that's not mine when the master is right freaking there. My sister who was also slightly inebriated didn't even notice her dog had peed. Oh but he did everything and I did nothing.
So this week I did everything. He really only had to do stuff with Trio once and that was when I went to my Mom's Book Club. Hell even last night while I was resting for a late night Casino party he dropped him off at my dad's so he could go play poker for our brother in law's birthday. And I'm willing to beat his ass hasn't even noticed that I pretty much asked him to do nothing involving the boy safe for the Book Club night. I took care of the evenings when he was home putting him down all that good stuff. As a result I have been very tired this week especially considering that I worked last night as well. And believe me I have had a lot to deal with one day even involving an unwated brown visitor during bath time and ending with a finished bath in the kitchen sink, emergency clean up of tub and toys and all that fun jazz.
I am getting really tired of people thinking I do nothing all day and here I am going to say something that has been on my mind since Trio was completely hospital free and I was able to start establishing a routine; my husband couldn't do it. He seriously could not do what I do all day everyday the way I do it. He couldn't even do it in a way that could be classified as decent. I watch the boy, take care of him and all that entails including emergency clean ups because of blow out diapers and poop in the tub. I keep on top of all the bills, when they need to be paid, how much and make sure they get paid on time. He is responsible for one bill and that is his credit card and 9 times out of 10 he can't remember to pay it on time I have to remind him. I keep up on what's for dinner, what groceries and other incidentials we need and I keep the house decent while doing it. Could he do that? A big fat fucking no sorry I really don't care how un PC that sounds it's true. Just now I found his ice cream pint top in the dish drainer on top of clean dishes. It's been there for at least one day because he that on Thursday night. So now because he forgot to throw something away I have to re-clean dishes.
It's a pain and this last week has not been fun at all since it's been really tense. I hate when things are like that but I also hate when people on the outside looking in (our friends) tell me that I'm so lucky to have him he's such a great guy. Don't get me wrong; he usually is and I am usually very happy. However I get tired of no one telling him how lucky he is to have me, how wonderful I am because I think I think I'm pretty damn awesome. I know I have my days where I can be an unbearable bitch but I do my best to make sure they are few and far between unless he does something to make me feel unappreciated like his little comment earlier this week. I'm still not over it probably because we didn't talk about it and never will since he's not really a talk-it-out kinda guy but I will be over it soon. Like I said I'm just tired of being unappreciated because I do a lot and most of my cleaning is picking up after a grown ass man especially one who was in the military. Shouldn't he be more anal than what he is? It just gets grueling and come the time when Trio is more hell on wheels he's going to start doing his own share because if I have to clean up after two men I'm going to go crazy.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
You're Never Alone Again
I think one of the things I have really discovered in the last year or so is that once you become a mother you are never alone again. Even if you "go out" there is the ghostly presence of your child next to you, causing you to call and check in while you're out and about or go to their room first thing once you walk back into the door. However you become adept to doing things with child even if it's easier without and it's because of this I somewhat sneer at my husband and my friends. They whine about how they have to go to the store with the child and moan can't you keep them since it is easier to go without them?
Why yes; yes it is. Believe me I know how much easier it is because while my son is not that bad (yet) he still whines and cries and reaches and it would be so much easier to go without. However I do not always have that luxury (as is the case today) and when I have days like today I so much more appreciate it when I can do little things without my son underfoot. Like say grocery shopping? And today it was so much more frustrating since he refused to take a nap before we went so I finally had to corral him in his playpen so I could take a shower and then get in the car to run errands. Which of course five minutes into the car ride he fell asleep and between paying the water bill and going to HEB he got a cat nap which we all know what that does to toddlers so now he's running around all juiced up and there looks to be no nappy break for me in the near future especially since I have to work a party tonight.
Now this is not a mad at husband blog because it's not like he is sitting on his ass doing nothing; he's out in Sweetwater helping friends move back here. But still it's kinda hard when you are by yourself all week with the child and Saturdays/Sundays are the two days you get help during the daylight hours and look oh no you have to tackle one of those by yourself. It's like being told last minute at a desk job you have to come in on Saturday too bad so sad. And it's not like I hate being a SAHM (previous blog ascertained that) it's just on some days when there are things I discovered this morning I needed to do today and I was like "Fuck" when I realized that Albert would be out of town. So I'm having to do all this on a day when normally I could leave the boy at home and get all my errands done in less than two hours.
And that gets back to the meat of the blog which is that all moms are never home again. There's something about being a female that makes society think that suddenly we're expected to do it all on our own even if we're married or working. How many of my friends are working moms who work and in some cases go to school and come home and are expected to do a majority of kid duty just because? Or in the case of SAHMs who of course do nothing but sit around all day on our fat asses eating bon-bons, watching daytime TV and drinking wine (it's sarcasm people look it up)? Because we are at home people seem to think that we do nothing so it should no big deal to run around and pay bills and grocery shop with our little on in tow because our husbands work and need to rest?
I get the need to rest part; my husband works hard. So I do give him downtime and now he comes in of his own choice and plays with the boy as soon as he walks in. However women do not pregnant by ourselves; therefore on matter whether we work or not is irrelevant we should not be expected to do it all almost on our own. We need time to ourselves and even if we're doing something for the house like bills or groceries we should be able to go and do it by ourselves without having to take the kids. One of the most frustrating things when my son was in the first year is how my sister and husband would call me to go get something for them since I was at home? I finally snapped at my husband "Yes I'm at home but do you know what going out to run some asinine errand for you entails? It entails making sure the boy is clean, making sure he has formula, water, diapers, wipes and other incidentals in his diaper bag. Then I haul it all plus baby to the car and drive to the destination only to haul it all out again for a freaking five minute transaction at a convenience store only to repeat it to bring you cigarettes. You can see why that's not a good enough reason for me."
Sometimes I like to be alone; completely alone and it doesn't happen very often anymore for a couple of reasons. First off I don't really want it and second because there's just no way. Albert is once again the only worker who has the pager so he gets paged a lot so if he's not late coming home he's gotta go out because some dumbass locked themselves out of their house. And it sucks because we don't get time together alone but thems the breaks of life I realize that; it's just an ironic thing because while I bemoan never being alone I never really want to be.
Why yes; yes it is. Believe me I know how much easier it is because while my son is not that bad (yet) he still whines and cries and reaches and it would be so much easier to go without. However I do not always have that luxury (as is the case today) and when I have days like today I so much more appreciate it when I can do little things without my son underfoot. Like say grocery shopping? And today it was so much more frustrating since he refused to take a nap before we went so I finally had to corral him in his playpen so I could take a shower and then get in the car to run errands. Which of course five minutes into the car ride he fell asleep and between paying the water bill and going to HEB he got a cat nap which we all know what that does to toddlers so now he's running around all juiced up and there looks to be no nappy break for me in the near future especially since I have to work a party tonight.
Now this is not a mad at husband blog because it's not like he is sitting on his ass doing nothing; he's out in Sweetwater helping friends move back here. But still it's kinda hard when you are by yourself all week with the child and Saturdays/Sundays are the two days you get help during the daylight hours and look oh no you have to tackle one of those by yourself. It's like being told last minute at a desk job you have to come in on Saturday too bad so sad. And it's not like I hate being a SAHM (previous blog ascertained that) it's just on some days when there are things I discovered this morning I needed to do today and I was like "Fuck" when I realized that Albert would be out of town. So I'm having to do all this on a day when normally I could leave the boy at home and get all my errands done in less than two hours.
And that gets back to the meat of the blog which is that all moms are never home again. There's something about being a female that makes society think that suddenly we're expected to do it all on our own even if we're married or working. How many of my friends are working moms who work and in some cases go to school and come home and are expected to do a majority of kid duty just because? Or in the case of SAHMs who of course do nothing but sit around all day on our fat asses eating bon-bons, watching daytime TV and drinking wine (it's sarcasm people look it up)? Because we are at home people seem to think that we do nothing so it should no big deal to run around and pay bills and grocery shop with our little on in tow because our husbands work and need to rest?
I get the need to rest part; my husband works hard. So I do give him downtime and now he comes in of his own choice and plays with the boy as soon as he walks in. However women do not pregnant by ourselves; therefore on matter whether we work or not is irrelevant we should not be expected to do it all almost on our own. We need time to ourselves and even if we're doing something for the house like bills or groceries we should be able to go and do it by ourselves without having to take the kids. One of the most frustrating things when my son was in the first year is how my sister and husband would call me to go get something for them since I was at home? I finally snapped at my husband "Yes I'm at home but do you know what going out to run some asinine errand for you entails? It entails making sure the boy is clean, making sure he has formula, water, diapers, wipes and other incidentals in his diaper bag. Then I haul it all plus baby to the car and drive to the destination only to haul it all out again for a freaking five minute transaction at a convenience store only to repeat it to bring you cigarettes. You can see why that's not a good enough reason for me."
Sometimes I like to be alone; completely alone and it doesn't happen very often anymore for a couple of reasons. First off I don't really want it and second because there's just no way. Albert is once again the only worker who has the pager so he gets paged a lot so if he's not late coming home he's gotta go out because some dumbass locked themselves out of their house. And it sucks because we don't get time together alone but thems the breaks of life I realize that; it's just an ironic thing because while I bemoan never being alone I never really want to be.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Play's the Thing/Greener Grass
So I went to see Rent on Sunday with a couple of my friends. I love Rent. It is by far my favorite musical of all time, followed closely by West Side Story. Now as a result of going to Rent I want to see more plays. I have plans on my birthday to go see Mamma Mia! and then Wicked on it's opening night of August 12th. All in all I am very excited.
I use to act. In high school I was a complete liberal arts nerd and let's face it I still am kinda now. I acted in high school, was President of my Theatre Troupe called the Golden Myth Players (or GMPs for short) but I was also in my orchestra where I was first chair violist from my sophmore year. I miss the art in my life. I miss playing so desperately and I miss acting. In fact I'm trying to get involved in both again on some level; my friend is apart of the Vortex theatre company and I asked him to let me know when they have open auditions because I would like to try out. It's one of those things where I think I need something for myself that is apart from my husband and my son to make my life a little less crazy.
Because while I do love being a mother and wife I can't help but feel that with the lack of artistic catharsis. Sure I write; point of fact I have a written manuscript that I would love to be able to clean up and send out in hopes that it will get published. I have an idea for a memoir based on the first year of my son's life because I went through so much in that year, the first four months alone. I have ideas bouncing around in my head all the time for what would make good stories, screenplays, TV shows everything; my problem is I never get a real moment to write them because when I have a moment to myself I am either writing an article for Associated Content which the pay scale sucks but I do get paid. And it's a vicious cycle because AC also gets me in the habit of writing on a regular basis but I end up writing articles for them and nothing for me personally. Sad but true.
Typical response from most people is go get a job. Well once was kinda offered to me recently; thing is I don't want it. It would be another daycare but a daycare starting out from the ground going from theat rough transition from home to daycare daycare and the lady doesn't really seem to know what she wants to do. She wants someone there to work 8-6:30. Well no; I still want time to spend with my son where I not tired because I've been dealing with other people's spawn all day. Plus she is not sure how she is going to do the pay thing and my issue I DO NOT want a job where the taxes aren't already taken out; I saw how it screwed my in-laws two years ago with the paper route and no thank you because if I am still the somewhat SAHM mom I am now (I do have a job but it's a seasonal thing) we will need that big tax refund next year to pay off the other credit card we have.
Another thing is this: I read this on author Stephanie Klein's blog awhile back; it's one thing to be the type of mother you are whether it is working or staying at home and envying the other side.
Envy is something we will do no matter what position we're in. However actually going out there and changing what you are? That's a whole different ball game. I would not want to be a working full time mom; I would not want to fight with employers to go home because my child is sick and I have to go get him. I would not want to miss first everythings and I would not want someone else raising my child with their ideals because in all honesty (and I don't mean to be judgemental here) unless it is a nanny situation where you can tell her what you want her to do, someone else is giving your child their morals. It sucks but it's kinda true. I love having the luxury of staying home with my son I like being there for him every day. Do I wish I could somehow make money? Hell yes; I think if any President nominee came out and said that they would make sure SAHMs got some kind of pay out for doing what they do that person would have a damn good chance of being the next President. However we're not hurting for it; we can't go out and do fun stuff all the time because of bills but we make it. And there are some friends of mine who they both have jobs and they're struggling so really what's the point in that case? Either way you struggle so why not just stay at home?
So I stay at home because ultimately I wouldn't want it any other way. I think I toy with the idea of jobs because I feel people's judgement on me that I have a degree I should be working I shouldn't be staying at home. But my degree is in Creative Writing which is what I am trying to do so in a way I am using it. I know I probably imagine the judgement because I'm paranoid like that. Don't get me wrong; if I ever needed to get a job because we weren't making it anymore I might be upset and jealous of the other women in my life who had the luxury of staying at home for 5-10 years but I would suck it up and do what I have to do to make sure my family doesn't want for anything because that's the type of person I am. I wouldn't like it but I would do it and that also gives me an extra boost. Plus there's always part time night jobs I could take when his dad was home and that way one of us is always with him.
So I think of that and I stay where I am because it's where I want to be.
I use to act. In high school I was a complete liberal arts nerd and let's face it I still am kinda now. I acted in high school, was President of my Theatre Troupe called the Golden Myth Players (or GMPs for short) but I was also in my orchestra where I was first chair violist from my sophmore year. I miss the art in my life. I miss playing so desperately and I miss acting. In fact I'm trying to get involved in both again on some level; my friend is apart of the Vortex theatre company and I asked him to let me know when they have open auditions because I would like to try out. It's one of those things where I think I need something for myself that is apart from my husband and my son to make my life a little less crazy.
Because while I do love being a mother and wife I can't help but feel that with the lack of artistic catharsis. Sure I write; point of fact I have a written manuscript that I would love to be able to clean up and send out in hopes that it will get published. I have an idea for a memoir based on the first year of my son's life because I went through so much in that year, the first four months alone. I have ideas bouncing around in my head all the time for what would make good stories, screenplays, TV shows everything; my problem is I never get a real moment to write them because when I have a moment to myself I am either writing an article for Associated Content which the pay scale sucks but I do get paid. And it's a vicious cycle because AC also gets me in the habit of writing on a regular basis but I end up writing articles for them and nothing for me personally. Sad but true.
Typical response from most people is go get a job. Well once was kinda offered to me recently; thing is I don't want it. It would be another daycare but a daycare starting out from the ground going from theat rough transition from home to daycare daycare and the lady doesn't really seem to know what she wants to do. She wants someone there to work 8-6:30. Well no; I still want time to spend with my son where I not tired because I've been dealing with other people's spawn all day. Plus she is not sure how she is going to do the pay thing and my issue I DO NOT want a job where the taxes aren't already taken out; I saw how it screwed my in-laws two years ago with the paper route and no thank you because if I am still the somewhat SAHM mom I am now (I do have a job but it's a seasonal thing) we will need that big tax refund next year to pay off the other credit card we have.
Another thing is this: I read this on author Stephanie Klein's blog awhile back; it's one thing to be the type of mother you are whether it is working or staying at home and envying the other side.
Envy is something we will do no matter what position we're in. However actually going out there and changing what you are? That's a whole different ball game. I would not want to be a working full time mom; I would not want to fight with employers to go home because my child is sick and I have to go get him. I would not want to miss first everythings and I would not want someone else raising my child with their ideals because in all honesty (and I don't mean to be judgemental here) unless it is a nanny situation where you can tell her what you want her to do, someone else is giving your child their morals. It sucks but it's kinda true. I love having the luxury of staying home with my son I like being there for him every day. Do I wish I could somehow make money? Hell yes; I think if any President nominee came out and said that they would make sure SAHMs got some kind of pay out for doing what they do that person would have a damn good chance of being the next President. However we're not hurting for it; we can't go out and do fun stuff all the time because of bills but we make it. And there are some friends of mine who they both have jobs and they're struggling so really what's the point in that case? Either way you struggle so why not just stay at home?
So I stay at home because ultimately I wouldn't want it any other way. I think I toy with the idea of jobs because I feel people's judgement on me that I have a degree I should be working I shouldn't be staying at home. But my degree is in Creative Writing which is what I am trying to do so in a way I am using it. I know I probably imagine the judgement because I'm paranoid like that. Don't get me wrong; if I ever needed to get a job because we weren't making it anymore I might be upset and jealous of the other women in my life who had the luxury of staying at home for 5-10 years but I would suck it up and do what I have to do to make sure my family doesn't want for anything because that's the type of person I am. I wouldn't like it but I would do it and that also gives me an extra boost. Plus there's always part time night jobs I could take when his dad was home and that way one of us is always with him.
So I think of that and I stay where I am because it's where I want to be.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The "Drags" of Motherhood
So my husband and I were laying in bed last night, having a bit of pillow talk; the kind you have right before you go to sleep the kind that is so open and honest that sometimes you wonder why you even bother to have that type of talk at night, why you are so stupid to risk it as 90% of the time something is said that will hurt one party's feelings.
Well such a thing happened last night. While this is in no way verbatim as, like I said earlier it was late at night, I mentioned that it was weird that he didn't go out with his co-workers last night (one of whom happens to be my sister) and he said he turned them down. Then I made a comment half jokingly "Well they could have invited me...I wonder why they don't." And my husband told me "Well sometimes you're a drag".
Excuse me?
I was like "What the hell does that mean?" and he explained "Well you say it's too late, you're ready to go home already, or you're always calling to check in on the boy; sometimes you're a drag."
That really hurt my feelings. It really did. I realize that as a SAHM perhaps I am not up to par on what's going on in the world, and that occasionally my life completely revolves around my son. And given the way my son's life started I do realize I tend to over worry more than the average mother. But as a SAHM I also feel I can't help it. I don't mean to be a drag but I can't stand mothers who go out and party all night with no concern for their children at home. My sister does that and it bothers me because even though her daughter is seven years old you should still call like once in the night to check in on your child. That's being a good mother, in my mind. However I also realize that you can't call every fifteen minutes to check on the baby because than what's the point in going out? And I honestly thought I was getting better at not over checking but I guess I was wrong.
And it also hurt because it just brought me back to a time in my life where I was always the one left out. While I hate to sound like a whiny Judy Blume heroine that's what has happened before; somehow at some point in someone's experience with me I cease to be cool for awhile and therefore am deemed unworthy to hang out with. And that hurts a lot especially coming from your husband. To be told that I'm no fun to hang out with; well what the hell dude? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm not fun for hanging out with because I never get to freaking go out? I just recently started to get out on a more regular basis, thanks largely in part to the Mother's Group I joined recently. Plus I'm getting to the point where I tell him "Hey I'm going out this night so either find a babysitter if you have plans or stay at home with our son." So I'm getting a life outside my home which is healthy. But still, that comment has been ringing in my head and hurting my heart all day that for all my work I'm still a drag. I'm still the uncool-ish kid who the cool kids get tired of hanging out with at some point and just blow off until they decide that hey I'm cool again.
It seems the best thing to do is continue what I'm doing and continue to have more of a life outside my house, outside my son, and outside my husband. I just have to learn how to walk that fine line and still be a good mother to my son and a good wife to my husband without "dragging" all those around me down.
Well such a thing happened last night. While this is in no way verbatim as, like I said earlier it was late at night, I mentioned that it was weird that he didn't go out with his co-workers last night (one of whom happens to be my sister) and he said he turned them down. Then I made a comment half jokingly "Well they could have invited me...I wonder why they don't." And my husband told me "Well sometimes you're a drag".
Excuse me?
I was like "What the hell does that mean?" and he explained "Well you say it's too late, you're ready to go home already, or you're always calling to check in on the boy; sometimes you're a drag."
That really hurt my feelings. It really did. I realize that as a SAHM perhaps I am not up to par on what's going on in the world, and that occasionally my life completely revolves around my son. And given the way my son's life started I do realize I tend to over worry more than the average mother. But as a SAHM I also feel I can't help it. I don't mean to be a drag but I can't stand mothers who go out and party all night with no concern for their children at home. My sister does that and it bothers me because even though her daughter is seven years old you should still call like once in the night to check in on your child. That's being a good mother, in my mind. However I also realize that you can't call every fifteen minutes to check on the baby because than what's the point in going out? And I honestly thought I was getting better at not over checking but I guess I was wrong.
And it also hurt because it just brought me back to a time in my life where I was always the one left out. While I hate to sound like a whiny Judy Blume heroine that's what has happened before; somehow at some point in someone's experience with me I cease to be cool for awhile and therefore am deemed unworthy to hang out with. And that hurts a lot especially coming from your husband. To be told that I'm no fun to hang out with; well what the hell dude? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm not fun for hanging out with because I never get to freaking go out? I just recently started to get out on a more regular basis, thanks largely in part to the Mother's Group I joined recently. Plus I'm getting to the point where I tell him "Hey I'm going out this night so either find a babysitter if you have plans or stay at home with our son." So I'm getting a life outside my home which is healthy. But still, that comment has been ringing in my head and hurting my heart all day that for all my work I'm still a drag. I'm still the uncool-ish kid who the cool kids get tired of hanging out with at some point and just blow off until they decide that hey I'm cool again.
It seems the best thing to do is continue what I'm doing and continue to have more of a life outside my house, outside my son, and outside my husband. I just have to learn how to walk that fine line and still be a good mother to my son and a good wife to my husband without "dragging" all those around me down.
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